Step parenting becoming hard

[relly1]

Bit of a back story. I've step parent from age of 4 now nearly 12. Dsc has always been a very good kid but with some troubles as he got older like anxiety ( which we got him help for) , since starting high school he's become what people would normally expect from a boy starting highschool.. attitude and behaviour (big shock to us as he's normally a brilliant behaved child ) he's become very very sly , extremely ignorant especially towards me! And just a little horrible towards his siblings ( my children with his dad) I treat them all the same and I make sure to never make him feel left out or anything and we used to have a brilliant relationship in that sense. But as he's started highschool if I say "no" or tell him not to do something he instantly looks at me like he hates me which makes me not want to tell him anything , but his dad works so I'm the sole person taking care of them so treating them the same comes with no bother because I'm my eyes he's mine he's been with me since he was 4! , I'm really struggling to even want to be around him at the moment I'm 35 weeks pregnant at the moment I've had a lot of stress with him and school and behaviour at home this whole time my waters have actually just gone 4 days ago I've been in hospital since, he's come in smelling of smoke ( cigarettes) acting really dodgey and his dad I can tell doesn't know what to do so all he got was " I'll be very disappointed if I find out your lying" as normally he speaks to us about anything I've always made that very clear he can and not to be scared if it's anything bad. Despite him stinking of it and asking to play out alone at 9pm at night his dad just let him get back to going on the Xbox and left it a that.. me personally you wouldn't be having no Xbox or phone till you can tell us the truth because as much as I've known him he's always lied even over the tiniest things that you wouldn't normally lie about, he's just become more compulsive as he's got older and he will lie with the straightest face it took us a week to get a lie out of him before which got his sister in trouble and it wasn't even her, me and partner are on the brink of a breakup after I'm in hospital ready to give birth because my waters have gone early because I'm not there DSC is acting up bending my youngest fingers back, completely ignoring everything we say. I got home yesterday from hospital I asked him to put the tv on now it's tea time, he looked at me and looked back at the tv to play his game.. his dad said turn it off because you definitely heard her and he turned around said he didn't then continued to play the game till his dad turned it off, I cannot tell you this enough but he's NEVER acted like that but since I haven't been there he's really tried it I was so shocked! , I've spoken to my partner about this and we've spoken to him a million times nothing changes with him, I don't want to break up our family but I'm getting to the point of frustration and not wanting to be around him and I don't want to feel like that towards him:/ sorry for it so long!!

how often is he with you?

DH needs to change his working pattern

and extremely ignorant especially towards me!. what do you mean by this?

Can't read it all on a phone

where is his mother in all this?

So why comment?

It sounds like he is going through a phase, sulky, nonchalant, monosyllabic. It sometimes happens as puberty is near. It does pass, honestly.

@loverofalmonds unfortunately not in the picture, we got custody of him at 4 and I've brought him up with his dad x

his dad hasn’t brought him up by the sounds of it

You have

@loverofalmonds he's with me everyday he goes to school his dads at work I take the two youngest to school then by the time EVERYONES home from school so is my partner , but what I mean by ignorent to me is because I treat all the kids the same, if my youngest are doing something to him they get told , if I tell them again they get something taken e.g there tablet. But my partner is seeing the changes in eldest behaviour and in my opinion it seems like he pulling back from refraining the same treatment he will just say " you need to pack that in don't make me tell you again please " where as if my youngest get told again they lose out on something. The eldest has clearly picked up on all he has to do is lie and say he didn't do something and his father will dismiss it. Where as me I see everything and I see the sly things he does so he gets the same punishment so the ignorance is towards me because I catch the things he does and he doesn't like it

the problem is your husband OP

@loverofalmonds most feels like that your right, but I feel like he's not my birth child so I do have boundaries and I don't over step them I just try make sure he never feels like he's treated different which makes me not want to tell him off or correct him as he's starting to make me feel bad for doing it. Partner tells me I'm in every right to tell him but doesn't understand why he doesn't listen, of course he isn't going to listen if he has dad giving him lee way and 7 different chances to keep doing this but on my side I still have to stick with my roots so my youngest don't think it's ok to do this ya know?

@LBFseBrom yes I thought this also because he is super moody ! But it also really grinds on me because the moods and other things are always aimed towards me and I try my very best as he hasn't got a mother in his life , I feel awful for getting do frustrated and for even feeling like leaving the family but I don't know how to really cope with him atm

I get the sense the problem is your husband. When your birth child does this or acts in any similar way, you won't want them to leave or move yourself out. He's part of the family.
I really feel the kids take so much flak when the dads should be stepping up.
I would put this back on your husband. Explain how you feel and that you expect more help dealing with this properly, not just lip service

@Pantaloons99 I agree, I've spoken to much about it but it seem to me that he thinks I'm just picking or nagging so nothign really changes. I've been there when he's spoke to him but it seems like nothing registers , even school have said this that when you speak to him it's like he just stares at you and goes and does whatever he shouldn't again..

That's so unfair on you. Stepmums are in such a difficult position and the men so often don't realise that they are 90% responsible for this.
I worry that men who are a bit rubbish at this will take it out on the child if you say how you feel. But sadly that isn't your fault if he does.
In this position, I would tell him the truth. I would say I feel like I'm not supported enough in actions and words and I'm having really negative feelings about how I will manage staying in this long term. I need more from you as I can't sustain this. And sadly you may have to be prepared to actually take action. His son has no one else. He has got to sort this out. Maybe you'd feel less stressed and resentful toward the boy if your partner steps up here.
You may not feel able to right now but I wonder what would happen if you told the lad how sad you feel about the distance between you both. Ask him what changed.

I'm a biomum btw. I always try and see how it is for Stepmums as I know it can be a difficult situation.
I hope things work out for you all and you get to stay together as a family with less stress and resentment.

Bending your kids fingers back? What was the punishment for this as I assume dad was the only one home when this happened ?

I would hazard a guess he is processing his mother's absence. Absence of parents strikes at most milestones. As we get older loss begins to mean more as we realise what we have lost.

Add in secondary school, your pregnancy and you have basically a perfect storm. He needs strong boundaries from his father. Does his dad talk to him about his mother ? Does he get any external psychological support?

I see it a lot in children, trauma (big or small) boomerangs and catches families off guard. Because when the big things hit everyone is on watch and support mode and then life gets into routine.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and I am sure with some help he will get there. By all means call him out for hurting his siblings. Wether we like to accept it people who lash out and hurt generally are those in pain.

@Marblessolveeverything I agree with you massively I've always thought this. I also have him in therapy for this for maybe 2 years now and have just had him get some support regarding this in school too with his consent , I'm 28 and I've been through this with the parent situation myself which is why this upsets me as I know what he feels and goes through I know when he's trying to hide his feelings which I always make sure he knew he could talk to me and he really trusted me to do this but now it's like he totally resents me and I really don't do nothing for him to which I thought maybe he's missing his mum!

@Marblessolveeverything p.s , his dad has fought in court for 6 years for his son to be having contact with his mother but the mother just doesn't bother turning up , dsc didn't know this until partner had to tell him he has tried his hardest for years but the court have left it now nothing else they can do when she worn cooperate , other than that DSC doesn't like to talk about his mum , but I always text him saying " I'm here to listen even if it's just a text" as he feels awkward sometimes to talk face to face and I get that