DSS coming to live with us

[saz8885]

Looking for any advice and recommendations to make the transition easier. DSS nearly 6 is usually only with us roughly 2-3 times a week however his behaviour at his mums is getting too much for her. We have 8 month DS too and could do with any tips to help the situation. As much as DSS plays up at his mums he is as good as gold for us and I don't think he will want to be away from his mum so it may just be temporary as full time. Any advice or similar experience?

What do you think causes the bad behaviour at his mum's house?

@determinedtomakethiswork I don't know, from what I can gather it is newish behaviour: hitting out, not doing what he's told etc.Since I've been involved with DP he's always been 'a mummy's boy' my DP is the stricter parent but then he doesn't play up for us and follows any requests we ask etc

If your dh is the more boundaried parent that will be why dss is better behaved. Mum needs to nip in the bud now and start sharing the boundaries between her and your dh. It’s confusing to have two sets of rules.

His mum is offloading her 6 year old son because of that?

I think the way forward is to have clear expectations and boundaries, the same way you would for any 6yo. His behaviour doesn't sound far out of normal range for the age group?

It would be great if you can work with mum on rebuilding their relationship for everyone's sake, if this is possible.

Make sure along with the boundaries there is lots of love and understanding for what is normal for 6yo, may be worth meeting with school to see if there are any concerns and let them know about the change in custody so they can support too.

So a 6yo will be made to move homes away from his mum, possibly on a temporary basis, because he doesn’t behave well at her home? Rather than fix the issue he learns that if he is naughty he is moved? And if he is not naughty he can go back and live with her - and then what? If he’s ever naughty again he is moved out? This is not the way to build trust between him and his Mum.

If he’s good for his dad and not his mum it may be because he trusts his mum more and can release his feelings with her. Moving between 2 houses and separated parents - no matter how nice the step mum etc - must be unsettling for any child. Wouldn’t it be better to try and find out why he behaves badly at his mums, try and get consistent rules between both houses and don’t make him think that coming to your house is a punishment for not behaving at his mum’s house (which is also his home don’t forget).

His mum is sending him a terrible message. Christ on a bike, that is shit parenting by her. I can’t cope with you so I won’t discipline you, I’ll banish you instead.

I think this is a terrible idea, as pp have said, it really gives the wrong message.

Like you say, he's probably behaving better for you guys because you have boundaries. It's the same with my DSD6. She's an angel when with us but apparently can be a nightmare at her mum's. We have strict routines and boundaries whereas things are more relaxed at her mum's.

I don't really think you need to do to much as it sounds like you're already doing a good job. Its the mum who needs to tighten her boundaries.

I would sit down with DSS and discuss some rules. Let him come up with some so he feels involved and like your not just telling him what to do. With my DSD we asked her "now that you're 5 what chores do you think you'd be able to do?". My DSD had a reward chart when she was younger and now has a GoHenry card. She gets her pocket money on a Friday if she's done all her chores that week and she can make extra money by doing extra chores. Her daily tasks are making her bed, opening her curtains, getting herself ready for school, putting her washing in the basket and taking everyone's plates though to the kitchen after dinner. I think when you give them a bit of responsibility they behave more responsibly.

Before he begins going back to his mum's, I'd suggest sitting down together with mum if you have that sort of relationship and discussing the routines and boundaries at your house so you're all on the same page. So "DSS has been getting up for school on time, he goes to bed without arguing, he tidies up his toys etc.

I get his mum is at the end of her tether but honestly, I don't think sending him away is the answer. The issue is clearly with her parenting rather than the child. He's eventually going to have to return to her and unless she makes some changes his behaviour will remain the same.

Without knowing why Mum presumably has asked for this, perhaps she is struggling and needs some support.
Kids do tend to feel more secure and better regulated when they have clear boundaries and competent parenting. Hence different behaviours but I would be a little wary around a culture by which this child isn't allowed to express negative emotions.
Poor behaviour is sometimes exhibited towards the parent that the child feels more strongly attached to. They're safe to let all those feelings out with.
Be prepared for his behaviour to be less golden. He may be be very upset by this (or he may not)
I'd be careful what you say so he doesn't feel blamed or rejected and reassure him that Mum still loves him just as much, but he's going to stay at yours for longer than usual for a while.

It seems he's struggling with something. It could be the separation, step parent, new sibling or something else.

I would guess he masks at yours but lets his behaviour out at his mums because she's his safe person. I'd prepare to see his behaviour/ mh get worse when he's taken away from her

I absolutely agree with this.

Moving him to live with you is not the answer OP.

Thanks all, each response has been so helpful. He has an older sister at his mums and then new DS at ours, maybe the fact this dynamic has changed could be something, I really don't know, all I know is he's besotted with DS so I didn't think there was an issue there.

I think mum is struggling. Don't get me wrong she has him the majority of the time and he is a lovely little boy, just the tantrums and hitting out seem v regular now when he's there from what she's said. I can't speak for her house but we try to have a routine especially in the evenings with dinner, chill time, bath, book and bed. She did used to "warn" DP that he won't settle to sleep easily and is scared of the dark but again we've never, ever had a problem.

I will get DP to speak to her tactfully, I agree DSS living with us full time won't be the best for him and don't want him to see it as a punishment or abandonment.

Yeah sorry OP I respect your intent here but it really feels like he is being sent to you as punishment and that is never ever going to end well. This needs a better discussion.

I agree with everyone else. You’re doing the right thing by chatting about it with your DP

What is his behaviour like at school?

@crumblingschools from what me and DP are aware of there have been no issues at school. However mum didn't tell DP correct day for parents evening so they missed the most recent one, DP has now requested to be included in all communication from the school

When my SS was around the same age he came to live with us temporarily because his mum had had enough and said he could come and live with us because that is what he wanted and his behaviour with her was very poor. It was very temporary because she regretted it and started buying him gifts and taking him on days out so he wanted to go back. This happened on a small number of occasions. We didn't believe it to be right but we needed to make sure we continued to give him consistency and boundaries through it all. My husband supported my SS's mum as much as possible and tried to get her to have consistent routines across both houses but she was often reluctant to cooperate. We are now many years down the line and we are in a more permanent situation of my SS living with us pretty much full-time. We are still trying to work hard on their relationship but it has been damaged over the years from repeated poor choices by mum.

I guess my advice is to remain consistent for him, allow him the opportunity to talk and express feelings at home with him. Encourage your OH to try to work with your SS's mum to have consistency across houses...not necessarily that she does everything you do but that you all work together so you take a little from each house to make things more consistent for him.

We can never truly know what is going on in someone else's head or their house so unfortunately there is no simple solution. I just hope that your SS's parents are able to work together for his benefit before he ends up with damaged relations with either one.

So this little boy is a mummy's boy and so she's going to send him to live away from her? You might as well book him in for therapy now.

Children tend to act out the most with the caregiver they trust the most. If this behavior is relatively new or has ramped up and he only acts this way for his mother, it is unlikely because she is soft. More likely he can actually relax around her and let out his emotions.

dad should definitely be stepping up and helping mom with the parenting, but they really need to figure out the reason behind this behavior or this move is just going to make things worse.

Also, full-time seems like a really bad idea. More time with dad could help and would give mom a respite, but why the radical
shift?