Making it easier for step-parent

[SpringleDingle]

My DP moved in a couple of weeks ago. He was living alone for 8 years, has no kids of his own. I have a DD13 and a mad dog. He moved in with us as DD didn't want to move. She likes him, was a bit concerned that his moving in would upset the home vibe but so far she says it is going well. He also says he is happy and loves being here. He is bestest buddies with the dog and him and DD seem to get on well. She is very introverted but chats a bit to him, laughs at him and seems as relaxed with him as she ever is with people who aren't me (including other loved family members). The only person she ever seems to be 100% comfortable with is me.

However I am aware that often step-parents feel put upon due to step kids. I'd like to try and avoid him becoming unhappy whilst respecting her wishes/needs as a young teen. She is with us all but every Friday evening and EOW when she sees her Dad. He is a bit flaky so sometimes cancels and I have to accomodate DD at short notice. DP says he is fine with having to change plans to account for DD and is making all the right noises but it irritates me and I'm her mother so it must rankle a bit!

So as step-parents yourself what do I need to do / ensure to make DP feel a comfortable and welcome as possible?

First of all, kudos to you for being so considerate of your partner. If only more partners were like this the step-parenting board would be AA lot quieter.

Most of the issues posted about on here are SMs being taken for granted. Being dumped with the childcare, the washing the cooking etc with no thanks. This seems to be primarily a SM problem though as many dad's see that as "women's work". Obviously your situation will be different and I don't reckon you plan to offload all the childcare and chores onto your DP.

Have you discussed what his role will be? Will be be involved in parenting decisions? Will be be allowed to discipline if you're not there? Are you open to listening to his ideas about parenting and potential criticism of your DD? Another common issue is parents not addressing bad behaviour and the step parent not being allowed to highlight any issues they see without being accused of hating the stepkid.

Another area of complaint is pandering to the ex. You say your ex is sometimes not reliable. Is there anything you can do to change that? For example if he can't do a certain weekend and you have plans make him responsible for arranging childcare instead of you having to cancel your plans. Or ask that he gives you notice if he needs to switch weekends. Like you say, even though he says he's fine with it after a while I'm sure it'll become irritating, especially if he's gone to some effort to plan a nice date etc.

I think the fact that you're already thinking about this is a good sign that you are willing to prioritise him as well as your child.

All of this!! If he drops a weekend start making him take two or if he drops Friday that’s fine Saturdays yours. I think your partner will have it easier because you are mum and I find most step parents that are fed up is SM’s. Most step dads fair better as child is with mum majority of the time and are kept in check xx

Yes, I wouldn’t have my life dictated to by the ex so you have to ensure he’s not always calling the shots, it won’t take long for that to become really irritating and inconvenient . Otherwise a guy with no kids who is happy to make an effort with your kid sounds like an absolute winner to me, best of luck

Thanks Illpickthatup!

We did discuss chores and childcare. Mostly she doesn't need much. I work full time from home and DP works in an office so I do school drop off and am here when DD get's home. I tend to cook dinner because I'm available to start it earlier than DP due to the commute. He has done some communal laundry since he's been here and has included whatever was in the basket without complaint but he just dropped DDs pile of clean clothes at her door for her to put away which went well. I wouldn't really expect anything else but I will watch for my coming to rely on him to make my life easy when I am busy plugging gaps in household chores which might include child taxiing. He did do a school run on his first week here as he was between the 2 jobs and I was busy and my normal school taxi let us down. However now he's back in work this is unlikely to happen again.

We discussed discipline and DD is generally pretty easy going and biddable. We agreed DP would raise any issues with me first before wading in with DD. So far he's been able to ask her to do things like bring her plate down or pick up her shoes as those are things I ask all the time. She's not had any issue with it. I guess if she get's harder to deal with this may become an issue. I'd propose to talk them both together if it does and make sure DD knows that she needs to do reasonable things she is asked to but to make sure DP isn't being unreasonable with his requests. I think I'd be open to criticism of DD, my parents and sister (we are all very close) raise things now and then and it does sting a little for a second but they normally have a point and I will address them. I'll make a point to try and be open minded on this one!

My ex - that's the tough one. I am conflict averse and he is unhelpful but not evil so we rub along without really fixing his flakiness. I guess I probably do need to point out to him that he's an arse now and then but I sometimes also change the plans to suit me so what is sauce for the goose and all that.... I think I'll bring it up with DP next time we are having a deep and meaningful and see if he can suggest ways I can address this to get what we all need.

Anecdotally I think the issue step dads have more than step mums is the children being around all the time. Which is one thing when it's your own children but different if they aren't.

So I would say make sure you get in some couple time - fortunately easier with a teen as I guess you no longer need babysitters for an evening out etc

I think you'll be absolutely fine.

And it's fine for DP to muck in with the household chores and pick up some childcare. It only becomes a problem when it's taken for granted and not appreciated. I've been living with my DH for 3 years now so we're pretty much settled on our routine now. We have my DSD6 50% and DSS17 100%. I'm very involved with them but it was never just expected. I do most of the school runs because I work from home but this was something that was discussed beforehand and that I was happy to do. DH tells me often that he appreciates me. When it comes to hobbies or plans we always check with each other first to make sure one of us has childcare covered. Even if I want to go out I will check with DH first. Most people would say it's not my responsibility but that not how we operate in my house. We are a family and both take equal responsibility for DSD.

I've never been made to feel like I wasn't a priority to DH. He always makes sure we have plenty of couple time. He'd never cancel plans because the ex asked him to have DSD on one of her days unless it was an emergency.

His ex can be flakey as well but what really helped was having a parenting plan in place where it was written in about giving notice for changes to the schedule. That applies to us too and sometimes we don't get what we want because the ex says no but that's just how it is. If your ex isn't high conflict and just a bit flakey then maybe you don't need to make it a big deal but if it starts becoming a regular issue I'd definitely look at coming to some sort of agreement with him.

Well according to MN being a step father is easy and men have it easy and it's only being a step mum that's hard. Never mind that women tend to be the RP so step fathers spend far more time with the child. I have never seen it said that step fathers have any difficulties apparently the challenges are only exclusive to step mums....

I echo the comments on differences between step mums and step dads.

One thing to consider if if you want your own child together in future. I found because I did everything for my kids when the new baby came along he just assumed I do all baby/little kids stuff and he would step up when kids an older child and doesn't need 'care'. Kinda took me by surprise as he had been great with my kids but looking back it was just the fun stuff Disney dad like he was with his own kids and the boring washing cooking cleaning had always been me. If done it for his kids as mine made more mess and I was cooking anyway but it evidently he feels men should not do those tasks as I later found out. Not a problem when it's my kids with those needs not his but that doesn't mean I'd do it all for a joint child happily now I'm past the baby/toddler phase with my older ones. Definitely have that conversation if you have more kids. It's wrong to expect him to parent your current child but that's because he's not a parent if he is a parent it's different

Yeah honestly I think most step dads have it harder because they are often living near full time with their step children - I would find that much harder than every other weekend..

Same here I would find it much harder living with a child full time than every other weekend, definitely harder being a step dad but you can't say that on here as step mum's always have it harder apparently

Thanks all!! No more kids for us, we are too old 😂. I appreciate all the input and encouragement. Thank you.

Bingo!

Post with no advice for op, just a weird pop at step mums.

And what's your advice? Oh... you haven't given any either

OP the fact that you are thinking of this means you are ahead of most.

I echo posters in standing up to your ex. It's not reasonable to expect your partner to be OK with cancelling plans so that your ex can go out!

I would also be careful about allowing your partner to raise issues he may have with your daughter without immediately becoming defensive. I don't mean allowing him to lambaste her but he should be able to raise things like being spoken to rudely etc. Little things like that chip away and build into bigger resentments.

I was writing it as you typed that. Still waiting for yours though ...

Oh right so it took you almost 10 mins to write that... 😂

As a stepdad honestly just that you're conscious of it is great. Yeah, the dads cancel their weekend sometimes and it sucks but it is what it is and if we haven't thought of that prior to commiting then... well, we should have. You'll still get more alone time than regular parents will! Your partner sounds like he knew what the deal was - knowing that you appreciate his attitude and don't take it for granted is really the important thing, And yeah, my wife probably gets more wound up at cancelled dad-weekends than I do, but I think that comes from many years of learning to be frustrated with him while they were together!

Oh, and not to let that debate explode on this thread but.. I moved in when the kids were 2 & 6, they're now 9 & 13. The eldest has fairly severe diagnosed ADHD and the second is on her way to diagnosis when she starts the new school year. It's been a huge challenge. Their dad was flakey as hell for the first couple of years (absolutely solid now though.) We might have our own challenges but I still think I have it so, so much easier than most step-mums. Every thing I do simply because I should be doing it is seen as super-man level stuff. Step-mums are often only noticed when they get it wrong.

Having them all the time was an opportunity to bond properly with them, not a burden, however exhausting it is. It's more full-on but it makes it much easier to have a proper relationship with them.

You've made some really great points here.

I think those who think stepdads who live with the kids the majority of the time have it harder than EOWE stepmums are being quite naive. Many EOWE SMs would prefer to have the kids more as one of the things they struggle with is the lack of routine and boundaries which is hard to implement when you only have the kids 4 days a month. In this situation there is usually also a lot of dad guilt which leads to Disney dadding and the kids are basically allowed to run riot and are never pulled up for bad behaviour because guilty dad doesn't want to be the bad guy. He'll also cancel plans with SM of the ex asks for extra nights because he feels guilty that he doesn't see them much so is grateful for any scraps the ex throws at him.

A lot of dad's have their kids 50:50 so I think it's unfair to assume that SMs are only living with stepkids a few days a month. And from reading the posts on here, a lot of the time when it's 50:50 or more the childcare and chores fall to the SM. More seems to be expected from SMs than stepdads. God, there was a post on here a few weeks ago where the stepdad wanted to be more involved and people were saying that was a red flag and questioning his motives.

Yes, I was thinking about to write.

It's taking you much longer to get come up with anything useful but I look forward to reading it.