Survival tips for the (at least) next 6 years....

[hereagain]

This will probably be quite long and so I apologise...I will try to keep it as 'to the point' as I can.

I have been a SM for 7 years to 2 SD's. DH & I have a DS together. 7 months ago, my eldest DSD wanted to live with us. Her relationships with all at home had broken down, behaviour had been getting progressivly worse for couple of years until everything was at breaking point.

(We realised over the past 7 months that) DSD manipulated me and the situation to have DH & I believing something awful had happened which is why she wanted to live with us to be 'safe'. In order to accomodate this, it meant a lot of upheaval, changes & sacrifices (& flipping hard work!) for DH, DS but mostly for me but I did it as I wanted to 'be there' for her and give her the chances in life I felt she deserved.

Anyway, it's been a tough time, lots of problems & strains etc. We've got through it so far and DH & I are still together & strong (somehow!) and life is now slowly beginning to fall into something resembling a normality.

The problem is that I hate it. This arrangement seems ok for everyone, except me. DH & I have changed as much as we can to try and make it feel like it works for me too & I'm trying, I really am, but it's just not working for me. I spend the whole time secretly hoping/wishing that, now she's re-built the relationships at home, she'll realise she misses her mum too much and will want to go home.

I'll continue with the arrangement for the sake of my son and my relationship with my DH as I feel I have no choice. I do love my DSD and I tried my best to help her.

She has no idea I feel this way, would NEVER do that to her, but inside I do feel that what she wants from me just doesn't work for me.

I can honestly say that I only have one regret in my entire life, and that is falling for the manipulation, making the decision I made when telling DH that we would have her live with us. Wish, oh wish, I had handled it differently before I lept into 'saviour' mode.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with this...the situation is as it is and I have at least the next 6 years to get through (the teenage years of a SD! Oh joy!) until she is legally an adult and I have any glimour of getting my home, life & privacy back.

Any tips from anyone experienced on how I survive this...it's only 6 years which is nothing really... and I'm sure my efforts and hard work will pay off...but that doesn't help right now when it feels like I'm waving my lovely life, which I work so hard for, goodbye FOREVER...

Hi!

I think you really need to articulate (i) what makes you unhappy about the current situation and (ii) what it is you need / want to be happy.........

I think without those two things, you will struggle to change anything........

What parts of your 'lovely life' are (or have) disappeared?

I think what you have to hold on to here, is that you did what you did with the very best of intentions for your DSD and your DH. Please don't forget that. And don't regret it.

I'm in a (reasonably) similar situation - have two DSDs and a DS (due May ) and I do wonder how we all will cope with impending teenager-dom with babyhood!!

Also, one thing that really works for me is to remember that my DSDs have had certain things pretty tough and they are young - many times when they are driving me up the wall, they are only acting their age.

Like youcannotbeserious I'm unsure of the detials of your situation but I have some advice I think...
I have 2 DSD's (10 & 11) & a DD (24 months). The eldest DSD has always been hot & cold. She is a lovely kid, but sometimes very hard to love.
As a 'SM' of 8 years I know it is unrealsitic to expect to feel unconditional love for children not your own, despite what you think you should feel. Accept that although you do not have that natural connection you do have the will to do the best by them, and that is just as important.

It sounds like your trust has been abused and you feel betrayed - this can happen with all children! Keep in mind you are the adult and that together with your DH you do hold responsibility for that child whilst they are living with you.

No matter how manipulative or cocky your DSD appears, remember she is still a child & she needs reassurance & guidance. But there also needs to be boundaries & respect.

When my DSD tests my limits I sometimes leave the house & do something else. I will be seething but take a little comfort in thinking I'm investing my years into helping a young person grow up with the support of her family. Whats the alternative?

Sometimes I take relief in thinking she'll eventually grow out of wanting to come round & hog our sofa, spend our money & eat all our food but then I am only human!