Am I unreasonable?

[Kimothy1989]

I have been with my partner 10 years. When we got together he had a 3 year old son. All was well. He was involved in our life and everything was happy until our daughter was born 10 months into our relationship. He started showing signs of jealousy as the baby was getting more attention, which we thought would subside in time but it didn't there was always a slice of underlying jealousy and his Nanna would spoil him rotten giving him all the attention he craved and buying him anything he kicked up a fuss about, taking him on holidays ect. Then when our daughter was 3 our son arrived into the world and things got even worse because they had a stronger bond than him and the jealousy peaked again.
When we were expecting our daughter we had always said that we wouldn't treat his son any differently to our children they were all the same and would be treat as such. I stuck to that and would discipline him as I would my children at first all was OK and his mam said she liked the fact I was disciplining him but I had noticed my partner wasn't disciplining him but was our children. He then started saying he didn't want to come here anymore and the blame was put onto me. I was then told to stop the discipline because he didn't like it I mean what kids does. I didn't agree with this because I didn't want my kids to think he was getting special treatment as he is no different to them but my partner had said our kids have stronger personalities and therefore more able to cope with the discipline. What absolute rubbish that was.
So I became very uncomfortable when he was around as I felt I couldn't speak my own mind in my own house and was always on eggshells with his behaviour towards my 2 kids being very resentful. Basically he still is at 13 years old and doesn't like the fact he has to share his dad. Now I try to make myself busy in other rooms of the house and keeping out of the way but then that is causing friction and he is saying I am not very welcoming and very antisocial.
I do understand he is his son and see things from his point of view, which is why I still allow him to come into our home, but is you asked him he would say I'm not very understanding of the situation he is put in as he gets greef off his mam. But he doesn't seem to understand the situation I'm put in and the being told I know what I was getting into when I got with him but really how did I know he was going to go back on his promises to me. He now tells me that I am unreasonable.
I am so stressed and anxious about the whole situation. We often come to logger heads over it. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I do think the fact you fell pregnant one month into your relationship is the reason your SS has struggled.. when did you meet him? How long were your DP and his Ex apart before you met him?

Whilst DC are resilient and you've clearly gone on to build a family together and remained in his life, I think the fact his life changed hugely, so quickly at such a young age is going to leave a (psychological) mark.

The fact a stranger came into his life and birthed a sibling and them started to discipline him says it all really. I can see why the nana wanted to ensure he wasn't forgotten about and spoilt him. I think this lad has really been let down by both parties and is nothing more than an after thought and a guest who visits now and again.

Quite often just normal things like sit up properly at the table, no you can't leave the table until we have all finished, tidy up your shoes and general things you tell your own kids to do but for some reason aren't allowed to tell stepkids to do .

Yes but 10 years on he should now be used to the fact that he has younger half siblings and that he hasn't lived with dad for over 11 years.

It’s been 10 bloody years, he needs to get over it. Perhaps he’d benefit from some therapy to work it all through, seems to me like he’s been OVERLY spoilt and overindulged as is often the case. He isn’t MORE important than the other children and shouldn’t have come to expect to be special. Everyone needs to have a big think about the monster they have created here. But it’s ridiculous he’s allowed to behave like this, it wasn’t yesterday and it sounds like you really have tried.

I couldn't have a single ounce of respect for a man like your partner.

Spoilt? Special Have you read OPs posts?

His father hasn’t bothered to buy him Xmas gifts, clothes or even feed him. The boy clearly has a father who isn’t interested in him and hasn’t parented him. That’s after he had a child with OP 10 months after getting together with her, as a pp said, the boy should have just been getting introduced to his dads new gf and instead was getting a new half sibling. He’s treated as a guest in his own fathers home. only sees him 1 weekend in 3, and OP says he’s a good father to his kids with her but not to this child! Hardly spoilt and special. Poor boy. The only monster here is this boys father.

His mam and dad split up when he was 1 so won't even remember them being together.

Well after reading though all the posts. A few points I'd like to make.

His parents haven't been together since he was around 1 year old. He hasn't lived with his father since then. I met him after he had split with his ex wife and got to know each other over 2 years of friendship before deciding to give it a go. He was introduced to me and was involved in our lives and all the build up to his sister being born.

Yes maybe it was a mistake getting pregnant so soon into a relationship but that can't be changed now can it and the point is he has had 10 years to get used to the fact. I understand the lack of time he has spent with us will have a factor to play.
The original point I was making was more about my partner. I had tried to take a step back from all the things I had been doing for his son but he told me I am being petty. I am made to feel a guest in my own home so make myself busy with other things as to distance myself from the situation but I am told I am anti social and being unreasonable.
This year I will not be putting myself out getting his presents with no gratitude shown for what I do but I know it will just cause more friction coz then I will be told I don't care about his son. I have never said I don't care I don't like the way he has been treat and his upbringing but I am just his step mother I have no say in that. But then he tells me he has no say in it either coz his ex tells him what he can and can't do with him.
The discipline he gets here is just like someone said daily things like making his bed, tidying up after himself etc. My 2 are much better at that at 6 and 9 than he is at 13. He has no independence that I would expect a 13 year have he has been spoilt because everything is always done for him.

No, but at some point he will have realised he doesn’t have a together family and has to deal with missing parents/different rules/not having 2 parents working together like his siblings have.

That can be hard to deal with throughout a child’s life.

My 2 are much better at that at 6 and 9 than he is at 13. He has no independence that I would expect a 13 year have he has been spoilt because everything is always done for him

I posted on a thread the other day about stepchildren not being as independent, my theory is it is over compensating. I have noticed it in real life too. There's a definite failure to launch theme that goes on.
Your partner can't have it both ways. You were asked to step back and not treat him like one of your own so you did. I would continue as you are, let dad sort his child out with presents etc.
You just continue to raise your children to be happy, healthy, functioning individuals. If they ever do comment on how differently he is treated by their dad, just say you chose to parent them differently because you want the best for them.

Basically when he is there YOU are not welcome in your home. You need to put your foot down and get rid of DH and his kid, or force DH to grow a pair and enforce the same rules your kids have to live with. If your SS is to be part of your family he is to have the same rules, otherwise he is ruling the roost. You have unfortunately had kids with a spineless man, @Kimothy1989

Absolutely! You need to give your partner a wake up call and tell him to grow some balls. I feel quite sorry for the SC

The idea that a 13 year old should be 'used to' sharing their dad is just ridiculous - think how many adults carry around huge unresolved trauma from incidents in their childhood.]

How would this child have come to terms with it - if nobody has guided him through it, if dad has not stepped up and made sure he has made the boy feel loved and part of the new family?

It's not the responsibility of the CHILD to 'get used to' losing his dad and seeing him move on with two new children in a new home with new partner - siblings who live every day with dad and each other - its up to the ADULTS to ensure the childs emotional needs are met

Op I can see you are putting in effort where dad is failing - but - you talk about doing arts/ craft/ keyboard etc then it not being so easy - do you know how much of that is linked to a child becoming a teen?

I used to do crafts with my 12 year old son - he thinks im dull as ditchwater now! not in a million years would he do stuff like that iwth me - thats called growing older - kids get harder and tougher to look after as that stuff grows away.

too often on here I read about adults expecting young children to just 'come to terms with' very difficult family situations. Instead of all the adults working as hard as they can to fix and repair the trauma caused by family breakdown.

Poor kid ,I feel really sorry for him

Primalowl - summed it up completely - 2 days per month is not a lot.

Yes he ahs to share his Dad but for 2 days per month he deserves a little bit more thn they get for the other 28/9 days of the month.

Yes he does need to grow up and that is what he is doing - he is jealous, isolated and stop blaming everyone else but your DP and the blended or not family that the two of you have failed to create.

The 2 days per month you see your step child you now gaslight him.

Sort your issues out with your DP but you own attitude needs a reality check- i still let him come to our house - shake yourself, this is your childrens sibling - he has as much right to be in the house as his siblings. If you are jealous of the 2 days per month this child gets from his father, then you ahve even bigger problems.
His mother has not caused trouble- she brings up this child on her own for most of the year bar 34 days. SEriously crap arrangement for this child and thank god his Nanna does spoil him, takes him on holiday etc -sounds like you do not include him in your family holidays - or are we about to get the inevitable dripfeed.

The more I read your post, the more annoyed I am getting at both of you.

Actually the arts and crafts etc. was years ago. But he is still a very artsy boy so no he doesn't find it dull, all children are different. Whenever my children do stuff like that he joins in.