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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

44 replies

Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 18:36

I have been with my partner 10 years. When we got together he had a 3 year old son. All was well. He was involved in our life and everything was happy until our daughter was born 10 months into our relationship. He started showing signs of jealousy as the baby was getting more attention, which we thought would subside in time but it didn't there was always a slice of underlying jealousy and his Nanna would spoil him rotten giving him all the attention he craved and buying him anything he kicked up a fuss about, taking him on holidays ect. Then when our daughter was 3 our son arrived into the world and things got even worse because they had a stronger bond than him and the jealousy peaked again.
When we were expecting our daughter we had always said that we wouldn't treat his son any differently to our children they were all the same and would be treat as such. I stuck to that and would discipline him as I would my children at first all was OK and his mam said she liked the fact I was disciplining him but I had noticed my partner wasn't disciplining him but was our children. He then started saying he didn't want to come here anymore and the blame was put onto me. I was then told to stop the discipline because he didn't like it I mean what kids does. I didn't agree with this because I didn't want my kids to think he was getting special treatment as he is no different to them but my partner had said our kids have stronger personalities and therefore more able to cope with the discipline. What absolute rubbish that was.
So I became very uncomfortable when he was around as I felt I couldn't speak my own mind in my own house and was always on eggshells with his behaviour towards my 2 kids being very resentful. Basically he still is at 13 years old and doesn't like the fact he has to share his dad. Now I try to make myself busy in other rooms of the house and keeping out of the way but then that is causing friction and he is saying I am not very welcoming and very antisocial.
I do understand he is his son and see things from his point of view, which is why I still allow him to come into our home, but is you asked him he would say I'm not very understanding of the situation he is put in as he gets greef off his mam. But he doesn't seem to understand the situation I'm put in and the being told I know what I was getting into when I got with him but really how did I know he was going to go back on his promises to me. He now tells me that I am unreasonable.
I am so stressed and anxious about the whole situation. We often come to logger heads over it. And I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 13/04/2024 18:53

You still allow him to come in your home? Hes a child.You shouldn't have be soley disciplining but his father should be. Jealously is normal at 3 years old what do your dp and yourself do to combate that?

EG94 · 13/04/2024 19:02

this will turn into a bun fight. Love antiSM net on a Saturday evening!!

well all the way no and simple to fix

step child needs to grow up frankly he has had enough time to adjust as his dad needs to be taking the lead in sorting it

it wouldn’t be ok for you to openly resent SS so why is it ok for him?

discipline him in your house as you agreed with husband. This is your home and your children’s home too. Do not be the one to feel like a visitor

husband needs to grow some balls and tell the ex to fuck off and keep her nose out when she pipes up

lastly if you can’t or won’t do the above, he should facilitate contact time with his son away from your marital home. One person doesn’t get the right to spoilt the enjoyment of everyone else.

Original poster
Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:04

Yes he's a child but he's the guest in the house not me why should I be made to feel the guest in my own home? Also when he was younger I had always included him in everything we did. We used to do arts and crafts and I would teach him to play the keyboard, I loved having him over when he was younger. But then slowly my efforts weren't good enough anymore.
I was made to feel his jealousy was none of my business so I left it to him but then OH left it to his Mam. So Nanna would give him all the attention so then he became clingy to his Nanna so not fixing the issue of being jealous about sharing his Dad.
I am not allowed an opinion on his parenting and he doesn't seem to understand that's where the problems started. If I comment he says I'm just digging and blaming so he becomes defensive then there is literally no point to the conversation after that.

OP posts:
PeaceOnThePorch · 13/04/2024 19:10

He’s not a guest, he is your husbands child so it’s his home too.

I often very much feel for step mums on here but I’m getting ‘my little family’ vibes from you.

PurpleSparkles82 · 13/04/2024 19:13

YANBU

I have a 21 yr old SD who still resents the fact that she has to share her Dad (known her since she was 6)
……. Frankly I see that as her problem.
Over the years I too have walked on eggshells. I don’t do that anymore. This is my home and my children’s home.

You have a SC and a partner problem. Your partner should be backing you up but as we so often see on the Step-parents board, he sounds like a Disney Dad.

Does your partner solely look after him
when he visits or do you have to help out with looking after him, school runs, etc?

Springtime43 · 13/04/2024 19:19

PeaceOnThePorch · 13/04/2024 19:10

He’s not a guest, he is your husbands child so it’s his home too.

I often very much feel for step mums on here but I’m getting ‘my little family’ vibes from you.

If he spends more time at his mother’s house than the OP’s house, then I would agree he’s a guest in the OP’s home. People seem to be obsessed about referring to both parent’s houses as the child’s home, but in most cases there’s one ‘base’ and they visit the other house

Original poster
Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:20

PeaceOnThePorch · 13/04/2024 19:10

He’s not a guest, he is your husbands child so it’s his home too.

I often very much feel for step mums on here but I’m getting ‘my little family’ vibes from you.

Absolutely not my little family. I try so hard to involve him in our family life. But then get told not to discipline him. I sometimes feel like if I didn't do things for him then they wouldn't get done. For example if I didn't buy him birthday and Christmas presents he would nothing from his dad if I didn't sort through his clothes he'd never get any new 1s if I didn't sort food and water for him he would starve. And I get no thanks for it. He is not my child I am not duty bond to take care of him but his dad is surely the fact that I do I should get some appreciation for it.

OP posts:
PurpleSparkles82 · 13/04/2024 19:22

@Kimothy1989 you need a frank conversation with your partner. You either do this as a team or else you disengage and leave him to do all the care for his son. Say it and mean it (I’ve been there).
Why would he be bothered about doing any parenting when it sounds like you’re doing all the running around, feeding, etc and he gets to sit there being “fab dad”.

Original poster
Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:23

Springtime43 · 13/04/2024 19:19

If he spends more time at his mother’s house than the OP’s house, then I would agree he’s a guest in the OP’s home. People seem to be obsessed about referring to both parent’s houses as the child’s home, but in most cases there’s one ‘base’ and they visit the other house

Show quote history

Thank you exactly.
As we don't live in the same place he is only able to get over to our house 1 weekend in 3 due to cost of travel.
Sometimes changes to every other to involve him in events we go to.

OP posts:
CurlsAndTwirls · 13/04/2024 19:26

PeaceOnThePorch · 13/04/2024 19:10

He’s not a guest, he is your husbands child so it’s his home too.

I often very much feel for step mums on here but I’m getting ‘my little family’ vibes from you.

I thought exactly the same.

For example if I didn't buy him birthday and Christmas presents he would nothing from his dad if I didn't sort through his clothes he'd never get any new 1s if I didn't sort food and water for him he would starve.

How can you be with a man who is such a terrible father/person? I feel for all the children with such a useless father and I feel for you left to do everything. What’s the point of him?

Workawayxx · 13/04/2024 19:32

He only comes one weekend in 3? I think that’s really key, he just needs to keep a relationship with his dad and siblings. I’d not discipline him, leave that to his dad or is it even necessary for that short amount of time? try and ensure they have as much one on one time as possible. Encourage the littler 2 to see it as a special “time with DB” and do fun things. 2 days out of 21 is such a small amount of time, I think you need to just keep the peace and make it fun for everyone (when I say “you” I mean your partner mainly).

EG94 · 13/04/2024 19:32

Stop buying the gifts too and arranging all the things you do for sc. as you said you are not duty bound. Take those jobs off your list. You have shared responsibility with the children you share. Sc no responsibility to. If it’s ok for husband to treat the children differently - match it!

newnamechange98 · 13/04/2024 19:34

@Kimothy1989

How far away does SC live that cost of travel is prohibitive? His behaviour might not be great but it's less surprising given he's sometimes only coming to your house once a month

Original poster
Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:37

CurlsAndTwirls · 13/04/2024 19:26

I thought exactly the same.

For example if I didn't buy him birthday and Christmas presents he would nothing from his dad if I didn't sort through his clothes he'd never get any new 1s if I didn't sort food and water for him he would starve.

How can you be with a man who is such a terrible father/person? I feel for all the children with such a useless father and I feel for you left to do everything. What’s the point of him?

Show quote history

He is not useless he actually does quite a lot for our children but when his son comes over then he seems to forget how to be a good father/partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:47

Workawayxx · 13/04/2024 19:32

He only comes one weekend in 3? I think that’s really key, he just needs to keep a relationship with his dad and siblings. I’d not discipline him, leave that to his dad or is it even necessary for that short amount of time? try and ensure they have as much one on one time as possible. Encourage the littler 2 to see it as a special “time with DB” and do fun things. 2 days out of 21 is such a small amount of time, I think you need to just keep the peace and make it fun for everyone (when I say “you” I mean your partner mainly).

Yes I would say discipline is still important. He comes over and fights and argues with our 2 making the time with him not feel special to them. I stopped disciplining him a while ago to leave it to him but he regularly gets away with disrespecting us all. We always try to organise nice days out and activities while he is here.

OP posts:
DinnerIsNotServed · 13/04/2024 19:52

Kimothy1989 · 13/04/2024 19:37

He is not useless he actually does quite a lot for our children but when his son comes over then he seems to forget how to be a good father/partner.

Show quote history

That’s awful. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t parent and care for all of his children. What a shit. Poor child.

PrimalOwl10 · 13/04/2024 20:08

So he barely sees his dad, he's father had another two children in quick consession. He's sm disciplines him not his father, who didn't bother with clothing Christmas and birthday presents but is more attentive to his younger two and you wonder why he's jealous. His father is a waste of space. Why does he not take his son out. 1 weekend out of every 3 is appalling.

Worried8263839 · 13/04/2024 20:14

if I didn't buy him birthday and Christmas presents he would nothing from his dad if I didn't sort through his clothes he'd never get any new 1s if I didn't sort food and water for him he would starve. And I get no thanks for it.

This needs to stop. You can't just be expected to do the helpful convenient parts of the parenting but not the discipline. This is where SMs can never win. If you do not have a role in parenting anymore and your DH doesn't agree with your view on the parenting of DSS then you stop ALL aspects of parenting for him.

lunar1 · 13/04/2024 20:36

Nothing could be a bigger turn off in a man than one who couldn't feed or cloth their child, it's absolutely repulsive! I will never know how women can have such low standards in their choice of partner. Especially when you can already see what king of parent they are.

FollowTheMusic · 13/04/2024 20:43

PrimalOwl10 · 13/04/2024 20:08

So he barely sees his dad, he's father had another two children in quick consession. He's sm disciplines him not his father, who didn't bother with clothing Christmas and birthday presents but is more attentive to his younger two and you wonder why he's jealous. His father is a waste of space. Why does he not take his son out. 1 weekend out of every 3 is appalling.

All of this.

Your partner is a arsehole OP.

Pantaloons99 · 13/04/2024 20:46

I always try to support stepmums on here. The guest language, the fact his dad sees him so little and sounds inept to leave it all to you just makes me feel nothing but sad for the boy. I put most of this on your husband. He sounds useless

Purplevioletsherbert · 13/04/2024 20:48

Your partner needs to step up, but also this is the consequence of falling pregnant with a new partner very quickly who already had a very young child. At ten months into the relationship you should have just been meeting his son and getting to know him, instead you were giving birth to his sibling. You were a stranger to him who came into his life and changed everything. He doesn’t have to like you.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/04/2024 20:52

For example if I didn't buy him birthday and Christmas presents he would nothing from his dad if I didn't sort through his clothes he'd never get any new 1s if I didn't sort food and water for him he would starve.

You have a husband issue. There's nothing wrong with DSS that cant be fixed by a complete change in approach.

SilkFloss · 13/04/2024 20:53

Can you explain exactly what it is you mean by "disciplining?"

EG94 · 13/04/2024 21:12

Purplevioletsherbert · 13/04/2024 20:48

Your partner needs to step up, but also this is the consequence of falling pregnant with a new partner very quickly who already had a very young child. At ten months into the relationship you should have just been meeting his son and getting to know him, instead you were giving birth to his sibling. You were a stranger to him who came into his life and changed everything. He doesn’t have to like you.

no step kid has to like their step parent just as no step parent has to like their stepchild but being polite and respectful is not optional for either