3 steps forward 2 steps back......

[Nelli29]

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great christmas. I don't mean to start the new year with yet another moan but I'm just at a bit of a loss. I can't snap out of this, and I am worried. My dh and I had a lovely christmas day, we spent it with my mum and dad, sister, her husband and son. We had a great day and I feel selfish for saying it but I enjoyed the day because it was a rare occasion that it was about us , my dh and I , sharing the day with family where there is no pressure or tension, where I don't have to continuously be thinking about what to do or not do, I didn't have to think about dh ex at all. Is that wrong? For the first time in ages we had a fun day , the two of us. We picked sd up on the monday just for the night along with presents for my dh and I from sd (who is 6 so really from dh's ex). I just find it so hard! Its hard to explain. I find myself being so grumpy when we have sd, not to her but to dh. I have always wanted chldren and we are trying at the moment and obviously this has something to do with it. I find myself getting upset over the silliest thing. For instance, even a simple normal thing like dh telling sd how much he loves her and misses her , I have to go into another room as I just ache inside, and feel incredably sad. I wonder what the presents mean aswell?! Am I thinking too much? Last year we probably spent about £10.00/£15.00 on presents (from sd) for each other to be polite, but this year bm has spent at least £40.00 each on me and dh. I don't understand why! I built up the courage to ring her to discuss a few things about a month ago which went well, she has been very spitefull in the past which makes it difficult for me to trust what she said, but I thought if it made things easier then thats all that mattered, although she did say on the phone that if it wasn't for dh's mum (they didn't get on) then she would still be married to dh!! I find it all so mentally tiring, I feel as though I'm having to fight my own corner all the time. My dh is very understanding and suportive, but hes stuck in the middle. I'm just not sure if I can do this.

I have just read my message and it sounds really depressing!! Someone once said to me that it takes a special sort of person to be a step parent...I'm just concerned incase I'm not that special person.

I am sure that this is not true. I also have found it very hard for the same reasons as you. Bm can be nice but I do not trust her(for good reason) but then I feel bad. I have found that things do get better. Sounding off on this site has been a real help. Don't worry what you sound like, let it all out. That is what it is here for! Don't give up. Hold on to the good things and just know that you are not bad for the way you feel. The fact that you come on here to try to help yourself feel better is a show of a good person who is trying to do the best. Good luck and I will be thinking of you

Well said reflection, don't worry about the presents, more fool the ex if she's spending a lot of money on you! (or is it your money she's spending on you!) If I were you I'd have as little to do with the ex as you can, as her comments obviously aren't helping, he's married to you now and has been for quite some time, therefore is going nowhere unless its with you. Wishing you a great New Year, Hugs.

I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard, as I think I am a fairly decent person but I have lots of feelings around sd that I am very ashamed about. I have often felt the way you describe, having to leave a room or bite my lip (very hard). I used to love the times I had just with dp and not enjoy times with sd. Very simply, I have to share dp with someone. He doesn't. Also, the person I share him with comes first, which, logically, puts me second. Now I know that is not how it is. I am not in competition with sd, but my insecurity is often triggered when what I want or need has to take a back seat.

I have spent years now, beating myself up for feeling like this. I feel reluctant to type this stuff as I think that parents reading this will judge me. Our ds is now 2 months old, and my feelings have changed, but they haven't all gone away.
I think it is hard to be in a relationship with someone when they are still part of another family. I often have to make sure my actions are ok even if the thoughts and feelings I am having are not!!

I don't have any easy answers but I really, really know how you feel if it helps!

Nelli, my dp's ex bought celulite treatment for my christmas present from sd, cheeky cow!! I am two sizes smaller than her and have less celulite!!! Of course sd doesn't realise the insult so I had to open it and say "oh how lovely, just what I wanted, thank you!"

Now that has made me laugh!!! Squirrel you are dealing with a very sad woman and I think that she must have spent ages thinking that one up. What a sad life she has...

squirrel The cheek of it!!!! Good job we can laugh about these things!!

Stll haven't made an appointment, but still think I should. I will, I just need to build myself up to it, things are quite quiet at the moment as far as the ex is concerned, and things are nice , which means that next week or the week after its all going to blow up again...as normal!!!! Ho hum ...such as life!!

sorry everyone got my threads muddled up!! The appointment I am talking about is a counselling appt, hence my thread "has anyone out there had counselling" Sorry to confuse!!! xx

hi, i am still new to this site but i think you should go for it nellie29,im thinking about going to counselling to its so hard to pick up the phone and book your first appointment ,tho i can understand how you feel. how many children has your partner got from him previous relationship? x