Birthday gifts - difference between DD and DSS

[Tangoandcash]

Hi all

DDs 1st birthday is a few weeks after DSS’s 13th birthday and I’m starting to worry about the difference in gifts.

DSS is incredibly difficult to buy for, he has absolutely no outside interests other than his phone and PS5. He already has all associated tech for these (controllers, headset, headphones, storage unit for games/headset/controller etc), no new games he wants coming out etc. The last few years we’ve bought things for him to open at Christmas/birthdays that we thought he’d enjoy, but they’ve just stayed in the boxes unused. Just little things like a battery pack for his phone, but he rarely wants to go out so it’s not been used… He doesn’t read, not into sports, films, designer clothes etc so really really struggle for gifts other than cash, which is what he asks for. DH has suggested gift experiences (ninja warrior, indoor rock climbing, go karting, theme park days) but DSS isn’t interested.

As DD is so much younger she’ll obviously be getting more physical gifts/toys to open compared to DSS. We also have DSS for Christmas this year so will have the same situation again 7 months after their birthdays.

If they were “full” siblings I don’t think it would be as much of an issue but I know DH can be a guilt ridden Disney dad and will worry about the differences…

At thirteen ds will know that the cost of a ps5 game (£50) can buy lots of toys for a 1 year old. There are games being released all the time, does he have some that he can ask for especially from his df? What about a gaming headset? Tbh with teens cash is king so he's probably delighted to get cash to give him the freedom to buy what he wants.

One thing I make sure I do with my sons, I remind them a few days before Christmas about the cost of things, why piles of presents are different, they don't really need it now, but I've always made sure to talk to them in an age appropriate way.

I've seen friends setting their children up to fail by not making any effort to manage expectations, social skills and dealing with situations need to be taught.

At 13, he's going to be delighted with cash and not jealous because his one year old sister has got an activity table/Duplo/train track. It's fine. You're worrying about nothing.

As long as he knows the gifts are the same value, he’ll be ok. A lot of 13 year olds like cash because it gives them a bit of independence. If you really wanted to have some boxes to open, maybe tickets to a gaming event? I think there are some comic con type events for gamers. Is he too old for a t-shirt or hoodie type merch from one of the games he likes?

We have a big age gap and DSC know that the same amount of money is spent and they’re old enough to know that their gifts cost more than younger DC so naturally they have less in number

i spend the exact same amount of money on my own children as i do my step children.. we dont even use the word step.. they are my kids.. end of so are treated the same.

My SC are 9 and 12. 9 year old usually asks for things and we have change to spare for other bits and bobs. 12 year old makes expensive requests😂 we just explain that amount spent on each is the same but the price tags on the requests aren’t hence the difference in amount of gifts to open. We’ve never ever had an issue. Always been happy on birthdays and Xmas. I do always say to other half I hate how it looks like one has more and he says it cost the same don’t worry.

With that age gap I wouldn't worry at all. Give him the cash he wants and buy your DD whatever you want.

No 13yo boy is going to care that he only got cash in a card whilst his 1yo sister got a load of baby toys.

I actually think the first sentence here is a dreadful attitude to cultivate: the value (cost) of the presents really shouldn’t be something receivers are encouraged to think about as having to be equalised with others.

Knowing that the things he wants are expensive is different to having to ensure that gifts are of ‘the same value’.

Quite apart from anything else, you do end up spending more on a teen than a toddler in general. If they need a new T-shirt, you’re paying adult men’s prices (and dealing with teen specificity); for a toddler you can pick up a 3 pack of T-shirts with diggers on them in the supermarket and they’re delighted. One video game can be equivalent to more toy cars than you would want to buy anyway. So what you’re actually cultivating is an attitude of it’s OK ‘as long as SS gets more (money spent on him)’ - especially with a Disney-style dad.

I think it’s much better to encourage the SS to focus on how great his gifts are - even if it’s money. The ‘value’ should be in getting something that makes him happy, not the cost. And his dad needs to understand that most of all. Comparing the cost of presents in a way that just makes you feel weird about buying anything for your DD (which tends to be the end result of this thinking) isn’t helpful or healthy.

Thanks all, I’m just concerned that DD will have a lot of things to open whereas DSS won’t. Hopefully just worrying over nothing!

I really think kids understand this type of thing. Mine are all ‘full’ siblings, and don’t seem to be upset by presents being different. I would be really worried that a 13 year old has no interest in anything at all, and is just going forward down that pathway. It sounds extremely unhealthy for a kid that age to only be on screens and engage with nothing outside of that.

Is this more about him being difficult to buy presents for? I have the same issue with my kids... I ask them and they want 'a surprise' - helpful! The trick is after they've been unhelpful to just buy something - an experience is good as it means you have to use it. Have you looked at young driver experiences? I did them when younger and loved them. Sweets and treats are also good (they get eaten) and stuff for his room.

But he's perfectly capable of understanding why at 13 surely?

We have a similar age gap. At Christmas my SS got a phone and only a couple of other smaller things, his 2yo sibling got a lot more. SS still had more spent on him and he understood.

If he'd have made a fuss because a 2yo had more physical presents than he did I'd probably have taken said phone back!

I’ve got a teen and a preschooler. My teen knows fine well that his tiny pile of Christmas presents costs far more than the preschooler’s far larger/more numerous pile of presents. He knows the difference between a pair of expensive trainers and some hot wheels monster trucks and absolutely would not be kicking up a fuss because a three year old got a pile of cars.

I suspect this problem exists only in your imagination.

Also, it’s a first birthday.

I think most of us can advise that less is more for 1 year old presents. They get bored and overwhelmed - and mostly like the wrapping paper instead or similar.

i simply cannot imagine a 13 year old making any kind of comparisons to a one year olds birthday.

I suspect this problem exists only in your imagination

Agree. And if it isn't in your imagination, you have a bigger problem of your SS being pretty ungrateful and entitled.