EOW - how often do you see grandparents?

[haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain]

Set up and anything I can think is relevant! Me & DH, one shared DC (small), two DSC (teens). They spend every other weekend here and part of the holidays but due to eldest DSC working this can vary. Their mum moved and is about an hour and a half away. DH's parents live 3.5 hours away by car.

How often do you think is reasonable to visit the grandparents? They probably visit us twice a year and then seem to expect us to visit once a month. DH thinks this is excessive and thinks twice a year is more feasible. Especially given the teens aren't here very often.

What do you do in your set up? My background is that I only saw one set of grandparents 3 times a year due to distance - two visits to them and they'd visit us once.

Edit to add: they only want to visit or have us visit when ALL the kids are available making logistics tricky.

Twice a year at most. Teens don’t want to spend so much time grandparents that far away. If they want to see them more often then they should visit more.

I grew up visiting my grandparents maybe 3x a year - Christmas, summer and Easter. They were about a 2h drive away and rarely came to us as we didn’t have a spare room. And we didn’t have any blended family stuff to deal with. Once a month is far too often, esp as teens will have homework etc and it’s a long drive for a weekend!

We don't really know how to tell them their expectations are too much. It's creating so much stress. DH has tried and said we'll see you in summer etc but they keep saying "so when are you coming next month" and then DH has to say we're not. It's like they assume because they want us to visit we will.

I'm worried it's only going to get worse as they get older and can't come here.

Teens rarely want to spend time with parents much less grandparents.

As they get older and get part time jobs etc they have less time available. Then they go to uni and have basically no time available,

Sounds like the grandparents think they are entitled to family time whether their grandkids like it or not. (My parents are also a bit like that but do also recognise that teens have their own lives).

Your DH probably has the right idea.

‘We’d love to see you but logistics are difficult. It would be easier for you to come to us, maybe next sun for lunch?’

Maybe during the holidays? More practical. Definitely not monthly say 3 or 4 times a year depending on what you all do at Christmas. Also it surely depends on what the children want to do and strength of the relationship. Just say it's not practical during a short weekend as it really isn't. Nothing to stop them visiting if they're that keen. And a bit rude to say they only want them all together

I'd be tempted to to be telling them they'd see you more often if your little DC was good enough on their own but they have chosen to limit their relationship to what fits in a teenage schedule.
Or a more diplomatic version of that.
What will they be expecting in 5 years time when your step kids are adults and your child is still a young child?

My mum lives 3 hours away and we see her maybe 3 times a year.
I would say to them they're welcome to travel down to you.

Yeah that bit annoys me a little

Whatever fits in with your schedule is fine. I think it’s out of order to insist on seeing ALL the kids ALL the time. That’s not even how “first families” work when there’s an age gap between the kids. It’s a bit unreasonable for them to put those demands on you - pick a convenient time and see the kids that are available.

It’s not helpful but my in laws see my DSS atleast once a week but anything up to 3-4x and see my own “our” children maybe once every two months. Often longer, they haven’t had a meaningful meet with my youngest (nearly 3) for about 6 month. They live about 15 minutes away. They don’t value the relationship with “our children” so much so my 5 year old commented that he only has one set of grandparents (my parents). He thought his parental grandparents were DSS’ I have tried to facilitate a relationship but MIL is not interested in me or my DS’. She has other GC she makes an effort with. Just not mine.