Page 3 | AIBU - gifting

Thelifeofawife · 2024-03-29T10:22:31+00:00

I just want a bit of perspective to see if I’m being over sensitive or if I’m right to be upset before I raise this with DH. Mothers day usually consists of small/inexpensive gifts for both me and SC mum. This year I got an expensive candle which I had wanted for Christmas but DH let it pass him by (I made a few suggestions, non of which he bought). I thought this was his way of making it up to me. It’s come to light that he bought SC mum jewellery for Mother’s Day. It now feels as though the only reason he spent more on me was because he was getting jewellery for her. I have tried to reason with myself that perhaps his SC asked him to get it, but even so, when it’s usually something inexpensive that they get why not just say no?! Or if he felt he didn’t want to disappoint SC by saying no, why not ask my DC or even SC what special/sentimental gift he could get for me, so it would be more balanced? He knows that I wouldn’t get something like that off my ex

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Original poster

Thelifeofawife · 30/03/2024 12:06

@GKD I see what you mean. Yes, you’re right, I would feel the same regardless of her behaviour. I guess I said that because it’s even more surprising that he’s done it given her behaviour, but I have an issue with what he’s done, not her.

The thing is, even if it was his DC who asked to get it, he could have said no and suggested something else, it’s not like he was put on the spot because they would have gone to the supermarket for the usual type of gifts, whereas they would have gone shopping in town to get the jewellery.

I will speak to him about it. I just know he will act like he doesn’t see the problem and so I wanted to get a sense check first in case I was overreacting, or partly

OP posts:

newyearnewknees · 30/03/2024 12:27

I think it is completely bizarre that he's bought his ex expensive jewellry for Mother's Day, especially as it's not something he's done before. I would be really pissed off about this too.

TryingToBeLogical · 30/03/2024 13:25

So the Ex has a current partner, and she was given expensive jewelry by another man (“from the children”) who is happily remarried? TBH in that situation if I was the Ex I’d feel a bit uncomfortable wearing it!

I know this is not really on topic, but was the character of the jewelry in keeping with a children-to-mum gift? I agree it’s your DH’s thinking here that is the issue.

Maybe I’m just very old school, but I’d feel a bit uncomfortable if a man I wasn’t in a relationship with gave me very expensive jewelry. Especially if I had a current partner.

Original poster

Thelifeofawife · 30/03/2024 14:14

It was in keeping with a gift from child, it’s just the fact that it was jewellery and of significant value. I do feel that something like that is more the kind of gift you would get for your partner, not an ex, regardless of it being intended from a child.
I don’t imagine her partner would have been too happy about it either, given they have a child together.

I think my big issue is that we have had previous issues/discussions around fairness, money and openness, and what he’s done doesn’t support any of those things, I feel.

OP posts:

Mummame2222 · 30/03/2024 14:27

Thelifeofawife · 30/03/2024 14:14

It was in keeping with a gift from child, it’s just the fact that it was jewellery and of significant value. I do feel that something like that is more the kind of gift you would get for your partner, not an ex, regardless of it being intended from a child.
I don’t imagine her partner would have been too happy about it either, given they have a child together.

I think my big issue is that we have had previous issues/discussions around fairness, money and openness, and what he’s done doesn’t support any of those things, I feel.

The thing is you have had lots of opinions here that have given a different perspective and you still feel the way you feel and that’s ok.

Just because I think it’s ok doesn’t mean that you have to. You’ve come here to consider both sides and you’ve done that and it still doesn’t sit right with you.

i think you should sit down with DH and have a calm but frank chat about how this situation has made you feel. Different relationships have different boundaries and that’s ok, it’s not a one size fits all. As long as no one is being abusive (and you’re clearly not) it’s ok to be what others may perceive as a little irrational sometimes, we all have our preferences. Talk to him.

MeridianB · 30/03/2024 17:21

I think it’s odd. Buying expensive jewellery for your ex is weird for any reason but especially Mother’s Day. Some flowers would have done, surely?

Unless his children are teens who saved up, chose it and he just helped them buy it then it seems way OTT.

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 02/04/2024 07:40

Yes I'd be pissed if my husband spent £100+ on his ex for mothers day. Especially if we couldn't really afford it. I'd be pissed if he spent that on me from our DC too! It's an unnecessary waste of money.

Luckily they tend to just chuck the kids a fiver to get the other some chocolates and a card.

TheCheekyKoala · 06/04/2024 07:27

I wouldn’t stay with a man that buys expensive jewellery for his ex and then got me a poxy candle.

He’s showing you his priorities. Listen and leave.

MiddleParking · 06/04/2024 07:42

How did it come about that he ignored what you wanted for Christmas but bought something off that list for Mother’s Day? Did you raise it with him after Christmas and if so could he have bought her a more expensive present at the same time as giving you the candle out of churlishness? Or more charitably, could he have seen Mother’s Day as an opportunity to make up for your Christmas presents but felt weird about giving her as his kids’ mum a token gift for MD alongside an expensive gift for you, so bought her something nicer than usual to redress the imbalance? Still annoying, but has a logic to it.

Original poster

Thelifeofawife · 06/04/2024 23:55

Update - I discussed with DH and it‘s all cleared up as to why she got the gift - SC wanted to get it for her, apparently he said no but that they could use their own money to buy it.
Here’s my problem now though; I didn’t know they had their own money. Apparently he has been putting money away for them over recent months, which I would be absolutely fine with if we didn’t have money issues. Plus I’m miffed that he didn’t have the courtesy to discuss it with me.
It’s not a case that I don’t want SC to have “pocket money”, but he buys them things whenever they ask anyway, so they don’t need it, and what it amounts to is a couple of hundred pounds. All the while, I was working overtime for a few months to help pay for my DC birthday, whilst he maintained he had no money.
Am I completely deluded to think that as a married couple things like this should be discussed and it should not be a case of “my child/your child”.

OP posts:

Marchintospring · 07/04/2024 00:05

He gets her more because she gives him nothing.

Classic Men vs Women rules. It's the game invested men play..

The less you care, the more he will.

EG94 · 07/04/2024 09:19

Thelifeofawife · 06/04/2024 23:55

Update - I discussed with DH and it‘s all cleared up as to why she got the gift - SC wanted to get it for her, apparently he said no but that they could use their own money to buy it.
Here’s my problem now though; I didn’t know they had their own money. Apparently he has been putting money away for them over recent months, which I would be absolutely fine with if we didn’t have money issues. Plus I’m miffed that he didn’t have the courtesy to discuss it with me.
It’s not a case that I don’t want SC to have “pocket money”, but he buys them things whenever they ask anyway, so they don’t need it, and what it amounts to is a couple of hundred pounds. All the while, I was working overtime for a few months to help pay for my DC birthday, whilst he maintained he had no money.
Am I completely deluded to think that as a married couple things like this should be discussed and it should not be a case of “my child/your child”.

Edited

There is an element of your child my child but you have joint finances that’s why the discussion is needed.

do you each contribute towards costs of each others children? If so of course it should be a discussion. If no then you working overtime for your sons gifts which partner doesn’t contribute to then him having the money for his kids is fine still should of been a chat.

my SC used to have £40 a month each pocket money which was given to spend with mum 🤯 I suggested to my partner £40 a month is a bit excessive for them to be spunking on absolute shite. How about we give them £10 a month each to be spent with us on days out etc and we put the rest into savings for them. He agreed but it was a conversation. i didn’t find out.

Original poster

Thelifeofawife · 07/04/2024 11:38

@EG94 Thanks for your input. What you’ve described is exactly how I thought it should be. Your DP wanted to do something, discussed it with you, it wasn’t suitable so you compromised.

I’m not saying that my DH shouldn’t do things for his child but it’s the lack of discussion about it and willingness to compromise. When I questioned why he didn’t discuss it he said “you’d have said no and I was doing it anyway” then the old favourite “I’m just being a parent so deal with it”… it just feels massively disrespectful.
I tried explaining that I’m a parent too and he’s not supporting that or meeting me half way, but he won’t see it any way other than his.

We typically sort out our own children but I have bought things for his child on occasion and often when it’s Christmas/birthday.
For me, it’s the fact that I’m trying to focus on what we need as a family, which means that my child doesn’t get money thrown at them left right and centre, yet he’s not doing the same, despite saying that we share the same goals.

OP posts:

Mummame2222 · 08/04/2024 12:31

Thelifeofawife · 07/04/2024 11:38

@EG94 Thanks for your input. What you’ve described is exactly how I thought it should be. Your DP wanted to do something, discussed it with you, it wasn’t suitable so you compromised.

I’m not saying that my DH shouldn’t do things for his child but it’s the lack of discussion about it and willingness to compromise. When I questioned why he didn’t discuss it he said “you’d have said no and I was doing it anyway” then the old favourite “I’m just being a parent so deal with it”… it just feels massively disrespectful.
I tried explaining that I’m a parent too and he’s not supporting that or meeting me half way, but he won’t see it any way other than his.

We typically sort out our own children but I have bought things for his child on occasion and often when it’s Christmas/birthday.
For me, it’s the fact that I’m trying to focus on what we need as a family, which means that my child doesn’t get money thrown at them left right and centre, yet he’s not doing the same, despite saying that we share the same goals.

Is your child his child? If yes is he contributing fairly?

TheCheekyKoala · 08/04/2024 19:53

Thelifeofawife · 06/04/2024 23:55

Update - I discussed with DH and it‘s all cleared up as to why she got the gift - SC wanted to get it for her, apparently he said no but that they could use their own money to buy it.
Here’s my problem now though; I didn’t know they had their own money. Apparently he has been putting money away for them over recent months, which I would be absolutely fine with if we didn’t have money issues. Plus I’m miffed that he didn’t have the courtesy to discuss it with me.
It’s not a case that I don’t want SC to have “pocket money”, but he buys them things whenever they ask anyway, so they don’t need it, and what it amounts to is a couple of hundred pounds. All the while, I was working overtime for a few months to help pay for my DC birthday, whilst he maintained he had no money.
Am I completely deluded to think that as a married couple things like this should be discussed and it should not be a case of “my child/your child”.

Edited

Tbh it sounds like a bullshit made up excuse to get away with buying his ex expensive jewellery.

Oh but the DC bought it …. With money you had no idea they had.. that he has supposedly been ‘putting away’ for them over recent months.

What a coincidence…

He's speaking shit to get you to shut up.