AIBU - gifting

[Thelifeofawife]

I just want a bit of perspective to see if I’m being over sensitive or if I’m right to be upset before I raise this with DH.

Mothers day usually consists of small/inexpensive gifts for both me and SC mum.

This year I got an expensive candle which I had wanted for Christmas but DH let it pass him by (I made a few suggestions, non of which he bought). I thought this was his way of making it up to me.

It’s come to light that he bought SC mum jewellery for Mother’s Day.

It now feels as though the only reason he spent more on me was because he was getting jewellery for her.
I have tried to reason with myself that perhaps his SC asked him to get it, but even so, when it’s usually something inexpensive that they get why not just say no?! Or if he felt he didn’t want to disappoint SC by saying no, why not ask my DC or even SC what special/sentimental gift he could get for me, so it would be more balanced? He knows that I wouldn’t get something like that off my ex

I absolutely get that, it’s nice for the child to give something to a parent so I’ve always understood him getting his ex a token gift.

I recall SC telling me a few years ago that they had picked something for me for Christmas for like £2/£3 but their mum ended up “needing it for someone else”, so I didn’t receive it. I felt so sorry for them that they had thought of me but their mum was so spiteful that she wouldn’t let them give it to me (but bought it so that she didn’t have to say no in the shop).

I have done plenty of things with SC and sent things home for mum as well as them so SC doesn’t think mum is left out.

I’m sorry to hear of what you went through as a child, to want to miss a parents birthday because you didn’t have a gift is sad

I agree with this. You're mothers day gift comes from your children, not his. Or from him. You are not their mother, or his mother

That’s exactly my point, he never spends that kind of money (as far as I know), it’s always been a token gift in the past. And the same for me, I wouldn’t expect more. Certainly not for Mother’s Day, it’s not like a birthday or Christmas.
Perhaps it was SC who asked to get it, but that doesn’t mean he had to, what’s wrong with saying “it’s a bit expensive, let’s find something else really nice”. SC is old enough to understand

It does sound like you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet about the ex, and are taking a lot of things very personally. I really don't think that it is necessary to assume spite in this circumstance - why should she object to saying no in the shop if she didn't want to spend the money? And then maybe she did find she needed it for someone else. You are an adult. Christmas presents from your partners ex shouldn't really be even on your radar as a thing. Just something that might or might not happen if the circumstances and finances allow.

But a step mum should still get something as acknowledgement when they are also helping parent that child.
It’s not like we have been dating a few months, we are married and have been together for years.

Just to add, he didn’t get his own mother anything (which I was really annoyed about before I even knew what he had got his ex)

I know it was intentional because of her behaviour over the years. She bought it because she didn’t want to look bad to SC. It wasn’t gifted to someone else for Christmas, it was used before Christmas according to SC.

I absolutely wouldn’t expect her to spend money on me, nor has she ever. But as previously stated I have been decent and sent things for her as well as SC so it’s not like I’m being off or holding a grudge

I don't think a step mother "should" get anything, although it might be nice if they do. We don't bother with mother's day at all, it is just a hallmark day as far as I am concerned. I send a card to my step mum because she likes cards, but not to me real mum who shares my opinion that they are a waste of time and money and resources. I don't give anyone a present, and no one gives me one.

If your step children want to give something to their mother, it is right that your partner facilitates that. But it shouldn't mean anything to you. And you should not be expecting anything, or feeling entitled to anything

It’s okay to have that opinion, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily correct when as step mums we are expected to share parenting when the child/ren are in our house, love and care for the children and treat them as our own.
I don’t expect SC to think to get me something but I do expect my DH to show similar to me, as the woman who didn’t have to do that for his child, if he’s going to go all out for the woman who a has responsibility for them.
Obviously different if step mums have a relationship with their husbands/partners children from a distance

but you were given something lovely, you say, a candle you really wanted!? so I am just not getting the upset at all - you are not their mum, you are not entitled to expect anything, you did get something, and you thought it was lovely. Then you hear their real mum got something "better" ( as she should) and now you are unhappy with what you got.

Maybe just avoid the whole problem by asking they don't give you anything at all for motherday in the future.

It's Mother's Day, not Step Mother's day.

so what did your child get you ?
or did your husband chose the candle that you wanted on behalf of your child ?

I'm sorry but I think yabu. It shows he is a good father to acknowledge the mother of his children by buying her nice gifts from the children for mother's day. If the mother doesn't reciprocate then that's her downfall. As a stepmother it's nice that he also acknowledges you on mother's day, but you can't expect the children to give you something of equal value to that of their mother, that would be off.

Based on the more recent responses, I’m not sure my posts upthread have been read, as I feel I’ve already covered these points

But many of us totally disagree with you

If it was cheap jewellery from Claire's saying Mum, I really wouldn't care because I wouldn't want it or wear it myself, but if it was expensive nice gold jewellery I'd be a bit pissed off. Why can't her kids give her a homemade card and either flowers or chocolates? My son took me out for lunch. My DD and elder DS bought me flowers. I got 1 bouquet one week and another about 10 days later. My foster son bought me a travel mug for when I walk dogs and a box of Maltesers.

I'd be worried he still fancied her.

Hmmm, maybe this needs reframing?

Why did he spend £100 that your household cannot afford on a gift?
Was it the DC suggestion? A moment of madness? A panic purchase?

I’d forget about what she does/nt do for DH & DC you cannot control her behaviour, she has no obligations to you and presumably didn’t ask for your DH to do this.

I’d want to understand his actions.

I find that the SM’s here often compare themselves to the ex - I kind of get it BUT I feel the focus should be on the DH/P actions rather than comparing to ex (eg, why is he not minding his DC rather than ex is dumping on me).

I don’t have an issue with people disagreeing, I came here asking for views. But many points being asked have already been covered.

As someone who does disagree, may I ask how it’s done in your family unit - does your DH/DP spend differently on ex (childs mum) and if so is that just the way it’s always been?

@caringcarer It’s not a worry that he still fancies her, otherwise he would have been doing similar throughout the years and it would have shown in other ways too.

I do think it was too much though, regardless of whether mum should get more than step mum, I believe Mother’s Day is about token gifts and so does he, usually

I get where you are coming from. He’s investing more emotional time and money getting something for his ex, and not reciprocating with yourself, who looks after dc as well. It seems unequal.

Don’t know why, but the Emma Thompson scene comes to mind, where lover gets jewellery, and she gets a cd.

@GKD I agree. It’s not that I think he shouldn’t do something for her just because of how she behaves, I just meant that it makes no sense to go “all out” for someone who behaves like that.
It is absolutely my DH actions that I’m focusing on, I’m not happy about the whole situation. I just wanted to gauge what the “norm” is for people when it comes to Mother’s Day, and everyone has come back basically saying the same, that it’s small gifts.
I think there’s been confusion with some people that I’m bothered that he spent more on her than me, which isn’t the issue, it’s the specific gift and price tag.

I do believe that it will have been SC that came up with the idea, either that or his ex did ask for it (she can be cheeky at times), rather than him going and choosing it, but I still don’t understand why he’s gone along with it when it’s not the normal gifting and he’s not tried to make my gift along the same lines if he’s suddenly pushing the boat out. All I can think is he’s agreed due to some sort of one upmanship against her partner who she also has a child with, which if that is the case I’m appalled.

Have you asked him why he spent so much money on his ex op? Though its the thought behind it too I suppose. I wouldn't be happy. Does he put his ex first often?

Has he said WHY he suddenly spent money you can't afford on her?

I think YABU - arguably the step mum should NOT get the same 'level' of present as their mum. You aren't your SC's mother, you are their step mum.

What did your child get you?

If your family can't afford the gift then it is a different thing but I don't think you need the same type or present as their mum. She raises them, you don't. They already have 2 parents

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet, I wanted to gauge what the norm was in terms of costs and type of gifts for exes from children, because like I said this isn’t the sort of gift/value he has done before or what I would receive for Mother’s Day from my ex.
Also I wondered how your husbands/partners approached things for you, for those who don’t have joint children but are a step mum.

I mean this with good intentions, but I think you have some focus on the ex as per this statement:

I just meant that it makes no sense to go “all out” for someone who behaves like that.

Her behaviour is irrelevant, wouldn’t you feel the same if this situation had happened with a mother of the year type?

The point is you are uncomfortable with your DH spending what your household cannot afford on a gift (and more than he spent on you) that isn’t for his direct concern.

What was his thought process?

Was it purely for the benefit of his DC?

I think gaining the answer will give you clarity on how to feel.