Step dads and involvement with the kids

[wtfisthisplease]

Long story short, my wonderful partner and I have been together 18 months now and I have 2 young boys (3 & 5) from a previous relationship. DP has communicated that he feels somewhat left out of the family unit I have with my kids, I tend to take over (obviously) with all the usual 'parent' jobs (school runs, bath time, dinner, bed time etc) and I'm struggling to let go of control and let him help, as the kids can be difficult plus I just know the routine better as their Mum. What level of involvement do other step parents have with the kids and how can I make him feel more involved? I very much think of the 4 of us as a family, and feel really sad that he feels left out! He is a huge part of their life and they adore him, but he wants to play a more practical part and share some of the load.

My DH and I were living together by 18 months (which I know is terribly frowned upon by mumsnetters generally, as mothers are supposed to stay single for a very long time & then even if they meet someone they are not allowed to introduce them to DC for over a year, and then God forbid that their partner moves in as the man is probably a sex offender..)

But, anyway… to answer your question, my DH was getting quite involved by that stage, he enjoys doing things with the children and we were starting to operate as a family unit. He also saw me juggling with everything and wanted to help out.

He has brilliant relationships with the DC’s now, many years later, and that has developed as he has been so present and so he knows them really well.

He does school runs/pick ups and drop offs to friends and clubs etc. He sat by the side at their swimming lessons or stood by the side of football pitches, when they still did those things. He helps with homework when he can (but only really the craft stuff as he enjoys it!)

When they were still at primary he attended nativity plays & sports day etc.

He will take them out for days, with or without me, and he takes time off in the school holidays and emergencies, so we are sharing that load. He is currently teaching my eldest DS to drive.

We share daily washing/cooking chores although I am the one who gets them to tidy their rooms. I still did bathtimes when younger and I do the medical apts - although he has taken one to a GP at some point, when I had to work.

We share everything really. He does everything I would hope a good biological father would do.

My DC do also see their dad, every other weekend, but he isn’t interested in giving up his “free time” outside of that, and never really wanted to be a hands on parent to start with, so there certainly hasn’t been a conflict with DH overstepping with anything their dad would want to do.

There is no right or wrong. It's what you and your son's feel comfortable with, and based on that what he is thwn willing to take on, that's important.

My daughter has two excellent parents, so both her dad and I have been clear from the start that our new partners have no role "parenting" her (and if they don't like that they were free to leave), though they both have positive relationships for her for which we are all grateful.

What would you be comfortable with OP? And the boys? That's important - he doesn't get to muscle in and take on a role that makes you all uncomfortable/unhappy.

I don’t think it necessarily parenting Think he just feels a bit you 3 and him rather than a unit of 4
There’s no need to hand the reins over but you could take a step back in some situations
a few school runs would be a good place to start

think what you like you are very judgemental. I am not trying to save anyone or be a hero. I’m doing my best and yet judgey strangers like your good self attack for anything and everything. I’m trying, you make bitchy comments. If I say I hate the kids you’d all make bitchy comments. Literally cannot win 😂😂 women do not raise each other up they tear each other down. Stay out of my lane 👍🏼

That might be your experience but it’s not mine! DH has played a huge role in DS’ life since he was 3 (he’s now 18) and they love each other very much. DH has two older kids, very much a family unit, DSD has just had a baby who we all love. Ex H is a recovering alcoholic and while DS was small he really needed support, a male role model and a listening ear that his dad couldn’t provide . Ex H hasn’t drunk for 8 years now and is good friends with DH. No one is shut out. No one sees a reason to be possessive. DS naturally wanted love from DH and it grew over time. No one pushed it or withheld it either. I understand it can’t always be like this but I think the relationship should be led by what the kids want … we’ve worked hard at it.

I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman

🤮

And this is why we end up with step mum's being lambasted on here for not being overjoyed at being expected to do the school run every day for years for their DSC or not wanting to be the one to collect and look after a sick child that isnt even theirs etc etc.

Do you live together? If so it’s understandable that he feels like a spare part if you’re running around being super mum while he sits back and watches. I don’t know why some women here seem to have an issue with him wanting to be more involved. Why couldn’t he read a bedtime story or take control of breakfast or dinner? Assuming the relationship is very secure and he’s wanting to feel more like part of a unit than a spare part, what is even the issue with this? Part of allowing him into your life is letting go of control. Just make sure that you’re child-led in terms of specific routines that involve 1-2-1 time with the children.

Nah he doesn't get to come into their lives and play dad. Let him cook a meal sure.

The main thing that made me feel a family unit was time. Go out and do things together- create a shared experience.

Think about your kids in all this. They want their parent(s) reading them stories/doing baths. Not someone you've known less than 2 years.

He sounds jealous which is concerning. You’re their mum so of course you’re doing the parenting. You have only known him 18 months, why would he be parenting? He’s not step dad and needs to back off. He can share the load in other ways.

Agree. What about what they want? Maybe they don't want their mums boyfriend reading them bed time stories, maybe they want their mum to?

Exactly. It's got to be hard for them having to share your affections with this bloke without having to have him playing dad

My DP of three years and I both have a child from previous relationships, mine is 12 and his is 13. We have his every other weekend, more in holidays and a night in the week for dinner. Mine lives with us.
I don't do much parenting at all for his - he comes to spend time with his dad and while we all of us are a family and do stuff together, I'm not his parent. I'll pick him up or run him back if needed and look after him if DP is at work but that's it.
DP does a bit more towards mine, because we live together, but he backs me up and doesn't take the lead parenting.

But we will both do parenting things together - football games and school plays etc.

Assuming the kids and DP are all in the same house together for the majority of the days I can understand where he is coming from as you should be a unit that works together. TBH I see more tension where step parents are not involved and expected to suck it up because they are not genetically the parents, forgetting they all live together.

A sensible conversation over a takeaway with no confrontation about what would help him feel involved would be the way forward for me. It can feel like you are excluded without the other person doing it intentionally or even being aware of it.

Honestly, he comes across as unsettling, and it's natural for you to feel wary and concerned, especially since this all seems rushed. His eagerness to assume a parental role raises red flags. It's important to acknowledge that boys can also be vulnerable to assault.

Where is the children's father? Is he involved in their lives? Rushing into a serious relationship and introducing him to your children so quickly might not have been the best decision, considering their young age. It's crucial to exercise more discernment and prioritize the well-being of your children.

Many boys and girls are assaulted all over the world.

After just 1.5 years of dating, exposing your very young children to a new and unfamiliar man seems premature. Why rush into a serious relationship when your children are still very young?

His behavior is concerning and potentially predatory. It's advisable to end the relationship permanently and perhaps wait until your children are older before pursuing another serious relationship. Taking time to adjust to the new family dynamics after a recent separation is essential for both you and your children.

Your children may not yet understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touch, nor can articulate themselves well enough....making it vital to prioritize their safety and well-being.

It's strange that you titled your post in a step-parenting thread when he isn't actually a stepfather to your children.

He isn't their father, stepfather, or even a significant part of your family unit. He hasn't earned the privilege to be involved in such a capacity.

My dh met my kids when they were 6 and 9 and it took years for him to have a parental role. When he did though, he patented them better than I did so I gave him free reign.

It's such a gradual process.