Please help-feel like I’m trapped

[Walesmam23]

Long story short Ex-DH and I have one DD together, 5yo, we have been separated six months and she spends almost half her time with him. He has 2 other DC, one he doesn’t see and another who has quite serious MH issues, self harm, anxiety and depression, truancy, temper problems. She is in therapy and has been on and off for a couple of years. He has both his DD and our DD at the same time. Our DD and his DD are quite close but big age gap so not massively. Our DD came home yesterday from a weekend there telling me ‘daddy was shouting a lot this morning’ but no further info given and I didn’t probe. He told me today his DD refused to go to school (regular thing) and had taken an OD of paracetamol to ‘get out of going’ I am at a loss over what to do. She is fine after a day in a&e, but I’m livid I wasn’t told until today and it was just dropped into conversation and also seriously concerned about what our DD witnessed and may witness again. WWYD in this situation? Should I discuss it further? Limit the time she spends with him and his DD? I sympathise with her as there have been some awful things go on in our lives and that’s part of the reason her dad and I are no longer together but also feel my priory needs to be safeguarding our DD as she’s so young and vulnerable. No idea what to do.

This isn't really a step parenting issue so you might not get many replies.

If your DDs sister took an overdose then I can see why your ex might not have told you as an immediate priority. Surely you can understand that he would be focusing on making sure his daughter got medical attention and communicating with the child's mother?

I wouldn’t want my young child embroiled in that situation.

Revise the current contact arrangement.

No I do understand that it wouldn’t be a priority, I didn’t mean for it to look as though he should have been straight on the phone to me, but given that he was messaging me about collecting uniform and sorting dates for upcoming weekends I would have thought he could have thrown that in rather than leave it till today.

I would state that he needs to have your DD at a separate time to his others in the short term due to the circumstances. He may well say no, but it would probably be for the best.

No you can't discuss what his other children do as they aren't your children as well. (If you could discuss it you wouldn't posted on here.)

However you are allowed to ask to him due to the issues he is currently having with his other children that have been told about by your DD, would he prefer to have your DD over at a different time to them?

Even if he asks you what you heard absolutely refuse to discuss details with him about his older daughter's behaviour as your business is only ensuring your own DD is safe.

Say this verbally if you talk to each other and get his reply. Regardless make sure you follow it up in writing either email or SMS so you have a record of it.

Perhaps given the situation reframing it as you know that he will need to spend one on one with older dd to support her accessing help etc.

Hence, you are flexible to support your dd having one and one with him separately. He may be a bit numb at the moment and not appreciating the full situ. Sometimes dealing with MH crises can impact on peoples sense of what is typical.

this. Make out you care about his daughter and you want him to prioritise her needs etc. put it to him that his daughter is priority.

I don’t know him but if you came at it from a my daughter is unsafe and I have concerns perspective he might dig his heels in to do the opposite.