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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holiday dilemma four teens (blended)

40 replies

Justworkingitout · 17/03/2024 20:29

My partner and I have four teens between us (eldest is a girl age 16 and the other 3 are boys aged 12 to 15). Two are mine and two are his.

All very different and my girl has social anxiety and is very adhd so craves stimulation! She’s complex.

We’ve had okay holidays all together when they were younger but it’s so hard working out what we can do now.

My income is a lot lower than my partner’s income so I can’t afford much.

We can’t do anything adventurous as my eldest can’t handle it. We tried a villa abroad last year but my eldest couldn’t handle the isolation (!) and the hol was a disaster. As I said she is very complex.

She says she wants to stay in a hotel but that means I’d have to share a room with her and her 14 year old brother (and my partner will share another room with his teen boys) but I think my two will kill each other by the end of day 1.

I should also add my girl is doing GCSEs this year and is desperate to go away in the summer. Maybe we should just have separate holidays?! But my partner and I are sad about that prospect as it’ll be our only holiday this year.

We would really appreciate your thoughts. What do you all do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justworkingitout · 26/03/2024 05:42

Stepmumptsd · 25/03/2024 19:28

We do separate holidays. I tried the blended experience with my partner - three hellish holidays - but in order to stay with him I had to have him accept I would never take a holiday with him and his kids ever again. One of them is lovely, has intense special needs but very sweet. He comes to stay with me on his own sometimes when one of the parents is desperate for respite care. The other one (who I believe has ADHD) just whines and tantrums when I’m around and says ‘go away get off my dad.’ Gets a kick out of upsetting me and my child. Again, could be ADHD. Needs a test.

DP is utterly spineless with him out of divorce guilt and on holiday would let him dominate him from 0800 to 2300. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to speak to DP without the child interrupting constantly. He would throw a fit that DP slept with me and not in his room with him. Once DP took my child on a water slide and his kid had a 2 hour meltdown about it. I tried for years to be a good friend to this kid and he has had lots of expensive therapy to help him process his parents’ divorce but either his core belief is that his mum and dad would get back together if I went away, or he just has untreated ADHD and is emotionally dis regulated all of the time. He would shout at me constantly ‘you’re not my mum.’ Indeed. Very glad not to be. (And if I was I’d have taken him for his ADHD test by now.)

So I take my child on cheap and cheerful holidays with friends and we all enjoy each others’ company. If I’m going to pay for a holiday I’m going to enjoy it. DP and me go on our own holiday every other Xmas when our kids are with the exes. DP takes his in summer to, yes, obviously, Disney. I hate Disney. So this works.

Edited

Thx for sharing. I’m not at all surprised you take this approach. Sounds like you have worked out a good balance of holidays too. Hope the child can get some help. He sounds like he is in turmoil and it must affect everyone in the family 😢

OP posts:
feverpitch43 · 26/03/2024 05:48

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feverpitch43 · 26/03/2024 05:50

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Mishmashs · 26/03/2024 05:53

But is a holiday the best thing for your daughter? What does she like doing? Would she prefer a few days of home based experiences? Like trying riding or sailing or whatever, or a shopping and theatre/lunch trip to a town. At 16 she is old enough to be left home alone if she was ok with that so then you could have a more adventurous busy holiday with the boys? When I was 14 and my brother 16 my parents left us for a week and went on an archeology trip to Denmark as they knew we would have both been bored (would love it now, haha!).

feverpitch43 · 26/03/2024 07:23

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blasket · 26/03/2024 07:36

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I agree, I think this is an impossible situation to balance.

And I'll be honest and say if I was the partner I wouldn't want my kids to have to be in a situation with a teenager with complex needs if they didn't have to be.

NerrSnerr · 26/03/2024 08:04

I would do separate holidays for now so the kids can all get the holiday they want.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 26/03/2024 08:08

I wonder if Centre Parcs could work out well for you. The villas are big. There are lots of activities that you can do or totally ignore. Try a long weekend to see what they think.

feverpitch43 · 26/03/2024 08:18

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Original poster
Justworkingitout · 26/03/2024 08:51

You’ve all been so helpful - thank you! Yes the way forward is separate apartments or rooms or separate holidays. Sad reality but it just won’t work anymore as there are too many complicated dynamics. Maybe even a weekend away just me and him without any kids. I can dream!

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 26/03/2024 16:21

Jeez @feverpitch43 what on earth were you saying!

Original poster
Justworkingitout · 26/03/2024 20:42

Hoplolly · 26/03/2024 16:21

Jeez @feverpitch43 what on earth were you saying!

Exactly!! It’s hardly a controversial topic 🤔

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 12/04/2024 22:14

Justworkingitout · 26/03/2024 08:51

You’ve all been so helpful - thank you! Yes the way forward is separate apartments or rooms or separate holidays. Sad reality but it just won’t work anymore as there are too many complicated dynamics. Maybe even a weekend away just me and him without any kids. I can dream!

Can you afford your own holiday with your kids?

suburberphobe · 08/08/2024 23:52

What would I do?

Kids before dick, always.

Yea, i'm laughing. But it's true.

The guy can disappear, but your kids are always there. Even when adults.

olympicsrock · 09/08/2024 00:13

Separate holidays but you need an apartment not a single room in a hotel.

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