Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

YABU

[IncompleteSenten]

You don't know why your husband always wants his child at family events?
Really?
Wow

[ThePerfectDog]

🤦🏼‍♀️

[ProbablyHungry]

YABVU

[LightSwerve]

Yes, I think YABU.

He's a member of your family, he's your children's brother and your DH"s son.

[Sky1248]

I’m glad you are all being honest as I can then rethink how I am feeling

[Josette77]

Because he's his son? Why would he not want him included?

This is an 8 yo boy who's dad left extremely early and he already has a new step mom and 2 siblings.

I'm not surprised he's clingy.

I think you need to extend some grace. And as you don't seem to like his behaviour you might want to discuss that with his father.

It doesn't sound like you both are in the same page with parenting.

[SecondHandFurniture]

Not read any other stepmum threads in AIBU, I take it?

You knew he had a child. If family events happen in your contact time, he comes, plus any other special occasions that happen in his mum's time if she allows it.

That said, at 9, if he is rude to your family your DH should tell him off.

[Sky1248]

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

[Rafting2022]

@Sky1248

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

Right first time!

[HomeIsHardToFind]

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable.
Things like your birthday meal, you get to veto anyone off the guest list as it is your celebration. I have been with my husband 20 years and I don't recall my step kids celebrating my birthday with me and my family!
I also don't think you are unreasonable to want to do things with just your own children now and again.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

@IncompleteSenten

You don't know why your husband always wants his child at family events?
Really?
Wow

it was her birthday though. And the husband lets his son be rude to her family.

I suspect this really is a DH problem. As usual. He needs to ensure his child is well enough behaved but also to recognise that you will want some time just with your children (just as his DS probably also wants some time just with his dad).

Is the problem less your stepson than that your husband is preventing you and your children from doing things unless SS is there? That’s quite common and driven by the standard divorced dad guilt.

[leafybrew]

@Sky1248

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

Yep

It's not exactly compensating though is it?

Isn't it called 'being a parent'?

[mamajong]

Yabu. Imo when you enter a relationship with someone with kids you are signing up to the whole package. Taking it to the nth degree if the other parent passed away the sc would live with you. If you're not prepared and open to that possibility you are with the wrong man.

[Navyblueblazer]

It's not "compensate" it's a normal parental relationship. Yes, DH will be his father for the rest of his life, that's how parents and children work.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

@Rafting2022

Right first time!

ah Open admission that the SM and the younger children must do penance for their existence.

Honestly, this attitude is ridiculous.

[Nagado]

Yes, you’re being really bloody unreasonable. Of course he wants his son involved in all of your family events; it’s his child! How would you feel if your marriage broke up and your children suddenly became optional extras to his new family? Or your new boyfriend doesn’t want your DC around?

You don’t have to love his child. You don’t even have to like him. But you do have to understand that if you get into a relationship with a parent, they come as a package, which means they get treated exactly the same as any other child born to the relationship. You can’t just shove them in a cupboard when it suits you.

It astounds me the number of people who struggle with this concept. If you can’t accept the child, don’t date anyone who has children.

[BelindaOkra]

@Sky1248

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

You have a really weird way of looking at this. It’s not compensating to have a father-child relationship. Your stepson is a child with a father. And he doesn’t sound a deadbeat dad - he wants to see his child and include him, as a father should.

Do you see your husband as irrelevant to your children? Or do you understand he is somewhat important in their lives?

[Fedupofcommodes]

Naturally your priority will be your children but your husbands priority is clearly all of his children which is three of them. I wouldn't leave one child out of family celebrations.

[Sky1248]

I actually feel he is more bothered about my stepson having fun or making sure he’s happy than our children. He wants him for tea twice a week and then every other weekend. He also face times on top of that to which my step son gets much better attention than anyone else.

[leafybrew]

@ClutchingOurBananas honestly - your attittude is bananas. Who is doing penance?

Christ almighty - why is it so hard for people to be kind and inclusive to each other? Everyone has a selfish agenda where it's only their kids/their party etc

[BelindaOkra]

@ClutchingOurBananas

ah Open admission that the SM and the younger children must do penance for their existence.

Honestly, this attitude is ridiculous.

How the hell is including the stepson at significant events for the father ‘doing penance’?

[IncompleteSenten]

Think of it this way. If you split with him, a good mother would want the father to love and value their children every bit as much as when they were a couple rather than limit time with them because he had a new family now.
his failure to adequately discipline his child is a separate issue and one he should address of course but what you are in essence asking in your op is should a father take a step back from his child from a former partner when he has a second family and the answer is a 100% unequivocal fuck no.

[LightSwerve]

@Sky1248

Because his dad left early we have to compensate for that for rest of his life do you mean?

No, you just have to accept your DH has a son he loves.

Try to think what it would feel like for the son to be excluded.

[MaryShelley1818]

Well I would treat all of my children exactly the same, so your DH should be treating his the same too. You really shouldn't have become a step parent if you can't do that.