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Original poster

CMS nonsense...help please

65 replies

nodeerinere · 13/03/2024 20:48

Hi all,

Just after some pointers really as everything on Google etc is all about this from the woman's perspective and I am trying to get my head around it.

My partner was awarded 50:50 of his children. It states in the court order that they have two homes. His ex has told CMS that he doesn't share the day to day care and therefore they are pursing him for continued child maintenance. He was asked to provide proof of various things, which he duly did. They rejected the dispute.

He is going to have to take it to tribunal (which in itself is ridiculous - ie ex said he wasn't a contact on GP/school/dentist and he provided evidence to the contrary! He pays for half of their extra curricular clubs - did this even when paying child maintenance!)

He's now been contacted, as he stopped payments when awarded 50:50, and then was in dispute, that she had reported him for non payments and he now has to pay to avoid it being taken from his salary - despite being in dispute and taking it to tribunal.

He's never going to see that money again?! I have zero doubt that he will win the tribunal because his ex has just lied and lied and he has proof to the contrary (that the cms can't possibly consider). Does anyone know what he would then do about the almost 1k he paid her unnecessarily?

I get it - I have an ex who is USELESS and this system would protect me if I needed it but my god, it penalises men who are actually good...

It's so frustrating. This has just been a bit of a rant really but anyone with any tips - would be so appreciated!

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Shadyladyy · 14/03/2024 12:16

I don’t trust CMS at all to be honest, I find they often side with RP and move goal posts.

My DP ex queried her amount, CMS contacted DP who told them he’d submitted everything and it was truthful. Case worker was meant to call him, never did and they increase the payments. He’s complained but has been told to take it to court.

I don’t think the system is fit for purpose for anyone

mumyes · 14/03/2024 12:18

Drop it & suck it up. We all know that the vast majority of mothers do it all or shitloads more than most dads.
Also, why are you getting so involved?! Let him sort it out, its his ex and his kids.

Mummame222 · 14/03/2024 12:19

Shadyladyy · 14/03/2024 12:14

@Mummame222
You said CMS was there to maiming lifestyles across homes:
Child maintenance is there so the child can live the same quality of life in each household. He will need to pay.

Yeah I did.

That wasn’t the part I was replying to, sorry I realise I was unclear. Not gonna argue tit for that with you though, you think I’m wrong, I think you are. That is all.

Chocolatebuttonns · 14/03/2024 12:38

mumyes · 14/03/2024 12:18

Drop it & suck it up. We all know that the vast majority of mothers do it all or shitloads more than most dads.
Also, why are you getting so involved?! Let him sort it out, its his ex and his kids.

Why should they?

Dhs ex certainly didn't "do it all"

In anyone else had overpaid the ex you'd be saying well they're entitled to it back, but because it's the dad it's "suck it up"

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 18:07

As he has shared day to day care, he shouldn't be liable for any child maintenance (this is stated on gov website). However ex is refusing to confirm he does.

So why are CMS taking her word for it? Why don’t they believe the father when he tells them something different? It all seems very skewed.

Original poster
nodeerinere · 14/03/2024 19:46

Just a reply to a couple of comments:

  • he has been given 50:50 of overnights. The court order states the children have two homes. This was provided to CMS along with other evidence.
  • she lives with a new partner. There's no disparity in household income.
OP posts:
Original poster
nodeerinere · 14/03/2024 19:48

mumyes · 14/03/2024 12:18

Drop it & suck it up. We all know that the vast majority of mothers do it all or shitloads more than most dads.
Also, why are you getting so involved?! Let him sort it out, its his ex and his kids.

I haven't involved myself at all.

I've posted on Mumsnet to see if anyone has any information I can pass on to my DP as he is stressed and feels like shit because of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
nodeerinere · 14/03/2024 19:50

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 18:07

As he has shared day to day care, he shouldn't be liable for any child maintenance (this is stated on gov website). However ex is refusing to confirm he does.

So why are CMS taking her word for it? Why don’t they believe the father when he tells them something different? It all seems very skewed.

It is skewed.....and totally unfair.

I do get it in some ways...because in most cases the women are the ones who do everything but there are decent men out there - like many of us have commented about on here - and there should be systems in place to help them.

OP posts:
Original poster
nodeerinere · 14/03/2024 19:54

Thank you to those with helpful advice. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
CountryCatLady · 15/03/2024 06:54

If he is successful at tribunal it can take 3 months or more to get money. My DP won his tribunal, and asked for the money due to be paid from CMS funds and not from his ExW. Because on the last day of the three month period she replied to CMS they now won't give it to him from central funds and he has to get it from her. She can't afford to pay in lump sum, so still lots of back and forth going on. He is due something like 5k because she lied to CMS and they believed her even when he provided evidence to the contrary.

I do think tribunal is worth it as at the very least he will not have to continue paying it to his ex but can focus it on the kids. CMS plus rent and lawyers fees nearly crippled my DP

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/03/2024 06:59

Shadyladyy · 14/03/2024 12:16

I don’t trust CMS at all to be honest, I find they often side with RP and move goal posts.

My DP ex queried her amount, CMS contacted DP who told them he’d submitted everything and it was truthful. Case worker was meant to call him, never did and they increase the payments. He’s complained but has been told to take it to court.

I don’t think the system is fit for purpose for anyone

It’s not remotely fit for purpose. There is zero political will for it to be so.

i worked there briefly and whilst being trained I made a comment about powers I know they have due to having a battle with my ex several years before. The people training me had no idea they had those powers - the staff have no chance.

ClutchingOurBananas · 15/03/2024 07:14

mumyes · 14/03/2024 12:18

Drop it & suck it up. We all know that the vast majority of mothers do it all or shitloads more than most dads.
Also, why are you getting so involved?! Let him sort it out, its his ex and his kids.

ah the SM double standard is being applied.

If this was about the OP paying for things or doing all the work (to the benefit of the ex), I’m sure you’d be straight in there telling her to suck it up because ‘she knew what she was getting in to’ and it’s her duty etc.

but here the ex is benefitting so clearly things that affect her household income are none of her business. 🙄🙄🙄

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2024 07:22

You said the court order states 50/50, but is this what’s happening in reality? How long have the children been staying with their DF for 50% of the week?

Permanentlyunimpressed · 15/03/2024 07:36

I really don't think 50:50 works well for anyone, except maybe those who have separated very amicably. You say he pays for half their clubs but what about clothes, phones, travel, haircuts, tech etc? Does he pay half of all those as well? It's all very well courts making these decisions but usually one parent (usually the mother) ends up bearing the brunt of the costs.

benjoin · 15/03/2024 08:13

She should be embarrassed

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2024 08:41

Permanentlyunimpressed · 15/03/2024 07:36

I really don't think 50:50 works well for anyone, except maybe those who have separated very amicably. You say he pays for half their clubs but what about clothes, phones, travel, haircuts, tech etc? Does he pay half of all those as well? It's all very well courts making these decisions but usually one parent (usually the mother) ends up bearing the brunt of the costs.

You’d be wrong then. It worked incredibly well for my situation for 15 years. Our DC had a clothes allowance when she became a teen, that both of us contributed to. Mobile phones didn’t exist. Whichever of us took her on holiday we paid for her ourselves. The Child Benefit was used for things like haircuts, school trips etc and it was paid into a joint account that we both had access to. If she went to a birthday party on his days he would buy the gift / take her etc and vice versa.
I would sort out the school uniform each year from a practical level and buy double so she had a full set at each house. He would pay me half the costs immediately.
We only spoke when it was handover time, and even then it was only if necessary; I would collect her bags from he DFs house before picking her up from the childminders so she wasn’t there when I went to his house. She didn’t need to see us pretend to be best buddies!

So no, from a practical and financial aspect, 50.50 was ideal.

Chocolatebuttonns · 15/03/2024 09:37

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2024 07:22

You said the court order states 50/50, but is this what’s happening in reality? How long have the children been staying with their DF for 50% of the week?

Why can people simply not believe that a man can actually do his half, and not believe some women are actually not so great and will happily exploit their ex?

Why are you so desperate to find a reason to justify this?

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 15/03/2024 15:00

Permanentlyunimpressed · 15/03/2024 07:36

I really don't think 50:50 works well for anyone, except maybe those who have separated very amicably. You say he pays for half their clubs but what about clothes, phones, travel, haircuts, tech etc? Does he pay half of all those as well? It's all very well courts making these decisions but usually one parent (usually the mother) ends up bearing the brunt of the costs.

50/50 works perfectly when either parent isn't trying to take advantage of the other on time or money, even when the split wasn't amicable.

My DP has 50/50, relationship with ExW is civil on his part and hostile on hers.

She never pays for haircuts, clothes, shoes, days out, holidays, phones, gaming consoles... Anything really! She's always well kept (new clothes, expensive make up, hair cut and colour, nails done, holidays etc). At Christmas she expected DP to fund expensive game consoles that were only to be used at her house and kicked off big time when he suggested he would pay half. She's booked a birthday party for the eldest SC and didn't even consult DP on costs, but has TOLD him what he is to pay for it. DP doesn't even know where it is or the date it is being held on!

She even expects me to do her share of the childcare on her time, knowing I am due any day now and have a high risk pregnancy. She's gotten worse over the years, not better.

ExW also lied to CMS and stated DP hadn't been making payments and was only seeing the SC 1 night a week. The truth was, he paid for everything and we often had them 6 overnights a week. The weeks we didn't, we had them at least 4 overnights a week! It was a battle to get her to see sense and get it all resolved. I haven't even set eyes on her since as I can't forgive her for what she put DP (and ultimately me) through for nearly a year.

There are plenty of people on this post stating how their DP has been shit on by the ex, and not a single 1 is a female being shit on by a male. Strange that...

needadress · 15/03/2024 15:12

Think it's called section 50 he can claim under your remove liability for cm if proven to have equal shared care

swimmingdory · 15/03/2024 16:21

We had to take this to tribunal, same as you. Tho there hadn't been payments made. CMS was closed. Ex didn't even turn up.

Original poster
nodeerinere · 15/03/2024 18:57

Permanentlyunimpressed · 15/03/2024 07:36

I really don't think 50:50 works well for anyone, except maybe those who have separated very amicably. You say he pays for half their clubs but what about clothes, phones, travel, haircuts, tech etc? Does he pay half of all those as well? It's all very well courts making these decisions but usually one parent (usually the mother) ends up bearing the brunt of the costs.

He pays for one of their phone contracts, her the other. He pays for half of all the rest you have stated (and that was the case before being awarded 50:50)

OP posts:
Original poster
nodeerinere · 15/03/2024 19:04

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2024 07:22

You said the court order states 50/50, but is this what’s happening in reality? How long have the children been staying with their DF for 50% of the week?

Yes - the children follow the court order exactly.

He was awarded it a few months ago. After having to take it to court following years of requests (simply for one small change that the children requested which she refused to even consider for those years)

OP posts:
Original poster
nodeerinere · 15/03/2024 19:05

benjoin · 15/03/2024 08:13

She should be embarrassed

I'd like to think so. But following cheating on him and then painting herself as the victim, and continuing to do so in whichever way possible, I somehow doubt it!

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 16/03/2024 18:08

phone call from CMS today as a result and basically they said all the same information as before
What information is it that they've said?

SemperIdem · 16/03/2024 19:13

mumyes · 14/03/2024 12:18

Drop it & suck it up. We all know that the vast majority of mothers do it all or shitloads more than most dads.
Also, why are you getting so involved?! Let him sort it out, its his ex and his kids.

Maybe the vast majority do. We’re not talking about separated parents generally though.

This mother does not do more than her ex husband.