Need to rant about clueless mum [Title edited by MNHQ at request of the OP]

[TayceOnToast]

Need a rant. Strap in, its a long one!

Is anyone else dealing with an EFFING CLUELESS bio mum?

I have been with my partner 4 years and I have a 7 year old step son. I’m very lucky in many ways. Relationship between my partner and his ex is very civil, they respect each other and there is very little conflict. She is not nasty, she is kind and friendly, she is consistent, she clearly loves her son very much and would do anything for him.

HOWEVER.

She’s just not a “natural” when it comes to parenting. I’ll cut to the chase - she let my step son watch ALIEN 1978 (for anyone unfamiliar, one one of the most harrowing sci-fi horrors ever made, rated 18) and seemed genuinely surprised when we reported back to her that he was now having nightmares/trouble getting to sleep and basically regressed to the neediness of a 3 year old at bedtime. Before this he’d been going to bed absolutely fine without calling out in the night for a good couple of years. Now we’re back to an hour or more of ups and downs after he should be asleep, plus several panics in the night where he calls out and needs to be comforted. It’s definitely related to the film because when we asked him about it he broke down in tears and spoke about what he had seen with absolute terror in his eyes. We’ve told his mum that it’s still a problem, several weeks later, and she says he’s probably “milking” it to get more cuddles. She doesn’t experience this at her house because she co-sleeps with him every night so he is never alone at bedtime. This sounds nice on the surface but we don’t think this is necessarily a choice of hers but more that this is what he requests and she has never known how to say “no” or set boundaries. He is also on his iPad watching YouTube until the moment he goes to sleep, which we can see from his screen time is usually around 10pm on a school night. (And not kids YouTube I might add. Full access to normal adult YouTube which she has only put parental controls on in the last couple of weeks since my partner gently suggested that perhaps they should start monitoring what he’s watching….!)

So now I’m just sat here livid at nearly 10pm, having had absolutely no evening with my partner because we’ve been in and out of DSS’s room like a yo-yo, being all calm and nurturing on the surface, comforting his fears and tears, but secretly seething at the fact this is all because of someone else’s ridiculous choices. And just so angry and sad to see my poor DSS suffering needlessly. And of course always trying to hide my disgust from him because I don’t ever want him to think that I think ill off his mum. It’s so hard!!

Not really looking for advice or solutions. Just wanted to rant here rather than having an emotionally charged conversation with my partner at this hour. We have a rule to never discuss anything after 9pm because we’re both tired and it never ends well 😂.

Care to elaborate? What do you wish you’d said? How do you think it would have helped? And do you really think it would have been possible to say something without rocking the boat and causing further issues/making things worse? Sorry loads of questions, no pressure to reply. Thanks for your comment. Xx

I wouldn’t let any 7yo watch that film… my child or any other. No way in hell. Seriously bad judgment and no it’s not someone doing there best, it’s someone putting their own needs ahead of a child. Knowing that child is not always in your care absolutely means they are expecting someone else to deal with fall out.

Been there! I have 2 step kids and it is really tough when you can see they aren't getting the upbringing you would want. Bed with a screen instead of a book, dark circles under their eyes as bedtime is far too late etc etc. It caused resentment when I had a child as step kids could see the difference in terms of routine and help with homework etc. But of course a step mum has zero right to an opinion and is being nasty and a "superior parent" for even thinking the mum isn't perfect.

Also…would just like to add now that the rage has cleared this morning.

I know that I don’t have the full picture, and we’ll never truly know what goes on when he’s with his mum. This is part of the frustration, the simply “not knowing”. Naturally when you’re tired and frustrated your brain fills in the gaps with the worst possible scenario.

Thanks @SmileyClare , he is a great kid. Sometimes it takes things like this to make me realise how fiercely I love him. And you’re right, the 3 of us won’t always agree and actually I’d say we do a pretty good job of staying sane for the most part.

Hmm yes I like your realistic attitude 😂

Do keep perspective though. Your step son brings joy into your life too.
His mum makes some wrong choices but many right choices for her son.

You’re right to pick your battles. I’m sure there are parenting choices you might make that his mum wouldn’t agree with either.
I don’t envy you but there’s a delicate balance here between the power of 3 co-parenting adults which you so far have achieved fairly successfully.

If it’s any consolation, I let my 5 year old brother watch King Kong when I baby sat him years ago. The nightmares lasted about a week <oops> but then completely stopped.

Im with you on prohibiting uncontrolled access to online content. It’s good to hear his mum took that advice with good grace and recognised her misjudgment.

Because she genuinely thought she was the world's best mum and she couldn't see how she was fucking her child up. She genuinely believes she's amazing and she's not, she's terrible. She's abused him essentially. Maybe if I'd outright told her what a terrible shitty mother she was she'd have changed her ways? And she deserved telling how she ruined dhs life and mine too.

Maybe if I’d told her what a terrible shitty mother she was

That would have been like throwing a hand grenade into a step parenting agreement. Sometimes necessary in cases of abuse.

The difficult fact is, in order to maintain an amicable relationship amongst adults (which is key to raising a well balanced child) any criticisms need to be extremely carefully worded to land correctly.

Sometimes criticisms are best left unsaid, particularly if the welfare of the child is good. Yes, op’s SS is having nightmares after watching an unsuitable film, is it a hill to die on?

Safe guarding concerns or parental abuse are a different matter.

It was never amicable in the first place.

Perhaps if she'd taken your advice it would have been. I have literally been nothing but nice to hear, never said a bad word about her to dss. In fact I have defended her shitty behaviour to comfort him on several occasions.

On the other hand she harassed me for years. Harassed DH for years. Wished my unborn child dead. Had my car broken into. Told dss all sorts of horrible bullshit about me and his dad. Physically hurt dh. I could go on.

And throughout I was nice to her. I took the moral highground like everyone tells you to do. I've had to have therapy. She still thinks she's god's gift to parenting. Genuinely.

It's not about a hill to die on. It's about making someone recognise that they don't have the right to make everyone else's life hard because they can't be arsed making decisions in their child's best interest.

That all sounds incredibly difficult @Chocolatebuttonns.

If it helps, it sounds as though you offered some small comfort and stability to a child that needed it.
Its desperately sad when a child is dragged into their parent’s battle and manipulated like this. How awful.

Thanks. I like to think I did but I'd be kidding myself if I thought it made any difference.

I would like to say though, it wasn't his parents battle. DH took exactly the same stance as me. Never said one single bad word about her. Did whatever he needs to do to continue seeing and protecting his child. It was literally all his mother, because she wanted DH back and couldnt have him, but also simultaneously hated him for having left and moved on (and no I wasn't the OW before anyone tried to justify it).

I've always said she hated us more than she loved her child and in reality I've learned there's nothing you can do when someone behaves like that.

Which is why I wonder if we truly did take the right approach.

Get dad to phone mum each time and she can talk to him