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Original poster

'Babysitting' Stepchild

59 replies

fragglerockless · 27/02/2024 12:56

Interested in opinions

I have a stepchild. We have a great relationship and they are a good kid. We have them 50/50 although often it's more like 60/40 in our favour.

I have children (teenagers and tweens) who see their own father sporadically, so I have children in my house every day with no child-free time.

My husband and I have a great parenting set-up, we are on the same wavelength in terms of expectations and boundaries and work together well as a team. If he has to be away with work or hobbies during them time when stepchild is with us I have no issue whatsoever with keeping to the arranged schedule and I look after stepchild and my children. Husband would do the same for me if I was out for the evening or away with work.

What is beginning to be a sticking point with me is stepchild's mum has no other children so has at least 50% of her time totally childfree. She does however regularly arrange social things on what are 'her' days and just expects us to cover. Stepchild will just turn up usually and say 'by the way i'm staying until XXX.' Again, fine it is his house and he is welcome.

However, occasionally on those days that are not 'our days' my husband happens to be away with work and to be brutally honest I really don't see why I should have to look after an extra child and be the free babysitter for step-child's mum, especially when she gets plenty of alone time and could/should organise her social life around that or at the very least organise her own childcare.

Unfortunately, the narrative given to stepchild by their mum is that I don't want them there even though I'm sat in the house seemly doing nothing, conveniently glossing over the fact that neither does she as it's her day/weekend to have them.

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here. Genuinely interested in some views from outside our household.

OP posts:
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manipulatrice · 27/02/2024 20:53

fragglerockless · 27/02/2024 19:50

I have excellent self-esteem, great boundaries, but I am also a mother and a caregiver.

Do you really think its as simple when faced with stepchilds mother saying to stepchild along the lines of, 'You can't be here tonight as I have plans.' For then the stepchild to hear from their other caregivers, 'Well you can't be here either because not my problem tonight.' That must be horrific to feel like that.

It has been interesting and mostly affirming to hear other peoples opinions. I think I am 'right' for want of a better term, but right isn't always so cut and dried and perhaps being a better mother whether that be step or not is more important.

You are being a great mother/step mother by the relationship you have built with him. The way you describe it as his home ❤️

His mum is a dick.

Anyway of cutting out the middle man and getting him to drop you a text asap when he knows his mums about the shaft him?

TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:58

Get your DH to speak to the mum and say from now on you won’t be doing any extra. That way you won’t have to say you have plans.

Reugny · 28/02/2024 01:58

fragglerockless · 27/02/2024 19:50

I have excellent self-esteem, great boundaries, but I am also a mother and a caregiver.

Do you really think its as simple when faced with stepchilds mother saying to stepchild along the lines of, 'You can't be here tonight as I have plans.' For then the stepchild to hear from their other caregivers, 'Well you can't be here either because not my problem tonight.' That must be horrific to feel like that.

It has been interesting and mostly affirming to hear other peoples opinions. I think I am 'right' for want of a better term, but right isn't always so cut and dried and perhaps being a better mother whether that be step or not is more important.

You are not legally your step-child's caregiver but their father is.

You are allowed to turn around and say "Sorry I'm not available. As your dad isn't here because your mum didn't give him notice, you need to go back to your mum's house and call your mum."

It helps your step-child to realise you choose to do things for them and with them because you actually like and even may love them in their own way, rather than because you are obliged to like their parents.

Hoplolly · 28/02/2024 07:10

You are allowed to turn around and say "Sorry I'm not available. As your dad isn't here because your mum didn't give him notice, you need to go back to your mum's house and call your mum."

I'm not the worlds best step mother by any account but I wouldn't do that to my 12 year old step son. If he's there, he's there, I'd never turn him away from his home because of the actions of his parents. It needs dealing with in a different way. Making a child feel unwanted by everyone is not the way!

Beamur · 28/02/2024 07:54

OP I think in your position I would do the same. I'd be annoyed at the Mum but wouldn't turn the child away. It's not his fault and much better for his self esteem in the long run to know he's always welcome at your house.

TheCosySeal · 28/02/2024 09:11

Hoplolly · 28/02/2024 07:10

You are allowed to turn around and say "Sorry I'm not available. As your dad isn't here because your mum didn't give him notice, you need to go back to your mum's house and call your mum."

I'm not the worlds best step mother by any account but I wouldn't do that to my 12 year old step son. If he's there, he's there, I'd never turn him away from his home because of the actions of his parents. It needs dealing with in a different way. Making a child feel unwanted by everyone is not the way!

And what way do you suggest that doesn’t involve the step mum doing all the donkey work?

NewNameNigel · 28/02/2024 10:04

Beamur · 28/02/2024 07:54

OP I think in your position I would do the same. I'd be annoyed at the Mum but wouldn't turn the child away. It's not his fault and much better for his self esteem in the long run to know he's always welcome at your house.

It's not up to the op to fill the gaps left by the boys parents.
I see this kind of attitude towards step parenting time and time again.

The buck stops with his mum and dad. It's not reasonable to expect the op to never have any boundaries just because the parents aren't stepping up where they should.

Reugny · 28/02/2024 11:45

Hoplolly · 28/02/2024 07:10

You are allowed to turn around and say "Sorry I'm not available. As your dad isn't here because your mum didn't give him notice, you need to go back to your mum's house and call your mum."

I'm not the worlds best step mother by any account but I wouldn't do that to my 12 year old step son. If he's there, he's there, I'd never turn him away from his home because of the actions of his parents. It needs dealing with in a different way. Making a child feel unwanted by everyone is not the way!

You missed the part where I pointed out that the step-child needs to realise you do stuff for them because you want to not because you are obliged to.

Whether the child is a step-child, nephew, niece, younger sibling, younger cousin, neighbour's child, friend's child or child you are volunteering to help at some point they need to know that adults other than their parents do things for them because they want to and not because they are obliged to.

Some kids learn that at 8 others learn it at 16.

So calling their mother and returning to their mother's care is part of it.

Beamur · 28/02/2024 12:11

It's really not fair to put the kid in the middle of this. DH needs to have a conversation with his ex each and every time this happens. Making it clear it's not ok - she has to ask and not assume.

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