'Babysitting' Stepchild

[fragglerockless]

Interested in opinions

I have a stepchild. We have a great relationship and they are a good kid. We have them 50/50 although often it's more like 60/40 in our favour.

I have children (teenagers and tweens) who see their own father sporadically, so I have children in my house every day with no child-free time.

My husband and I have a great parenting set-up, we are on the same wavelength in terms of expectations and boundaries and work together well as a team. If he has to be away with work or hobbies during them time when stepchild is with us I have no issue whatsoever with keeping to the arranged schedule and I look after stepchild and my children. Husband would do the same for me if I was out for the evening or away with work.

What is beginning to be a sticking point with me is stepchild's mum has no other children so has at least 50% of her time totally childfree. She does however regularly arrange social things on what are 'her' days and just expects us to cover. Stepchild will just turn up usually and say 'by the way i'm staying until XXX.' Again, fine it is his house and he is welcome.

However, occasionally on those days that are not 'our days' my husband happens to be away with work and to be brutally honest I really don't see why I should have to look after an extra child and be the free babysitter for step-child's mum, especially when she gets plenty of alone time and could/should organise her social life around that or at the very least organise her own childcare.

Unfortunately, the narrative given to stepchild by their mum is that I don't want them there even though I'm sat in the house seemly doing nothing, conveniently glossing over the fact that neither does she as it's her day/weekend to have them.

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here. Genuinely interested in some views from outside our household.

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth - Correct my children are around 100% of the time, although as they are mostly older teens I think we'd use the term 'childcare' loosely that he provides when I am out.

I have no issue with parenting alone, I have done it for longer than I have parented with. I guess occasionally is subjective, he is often away with work at least one overnight a week. If DH said sorry not watching your kids or he was also going out that would be fine as my oldest will be 18 in a few weeks and is more than willing and capable.

I have no issue with stepchild being there more. It would make my life, and DH's and probably stepchild's infinitely less complex if he lived with us full time.

What I am questioning is whether it is reasonable for me to say no to looking after stepchild when their father is not at home and their mother is using manipulative tactics to opt out of parenting when suits whilst simultaneously critiquing the hands that feeds her, as it were.

Have you ever actually been unavailable? What happened then?

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth it looks like op is objecting to looking after dsc solo on her mothers contact time and is happy to cover for dh on his time. Which I feel doesn't make her a hypocrite at all

Yes it is reasonable.

My own mum asked me stepmother. As that was what their relationship was like thanks to the intervention of other relatives.

My DP asks me.

It doesn't sound like she has an issue with SC being there but more that he's just dumped by his mother with no notice. There's a complete lack of respect and no consideration for her time or plans. The mum is taking advantage, making plans which means she can't look after her child on her time while claiming she is the main carer and badmouthing the SM to the SC.

What if OP had booked tickets to something for her and her kids then suddenly there's the SC at the door?

Would it genuinely be easier if he was with you full time and then just saw mum every other weekend?

If so I’d start that conversation with mum on the basis that it would be easier that all of the requests. And what does she think?

Either she will step up on her time and stop asking you. Or she’ll agree and then at least you know that he’s with you and there’s less faff.

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here. Genuinely interested in some views from outside our household.

Nope. The mother needs to arrange her own babysitter/childcare for her contact time.

This is a conversation for the OP's husband to have with the mother of his child.

The OP does not have parental responsibility for the child. Just because she is female she isn't the child's default carer.

This is also why the OP can turn the child away if her husband is not around to care for them, particularly as the OP's children are not the child's half-siblings so there is no blood relationship to maintain there.

But she is though, OP clearly says her Husband would do the same for me if I was out for the evening or away with work so clearly he does / has looked after her kids alone.

Also* OP *said that her DH is only away “occasionally” when his ex does this, which means he’s there most of the time it happens to look after his own son which is was why I was asking if it’s really that much of an issue.

Yes but her kids are there 100% of the time and her DH has looked after them alone so inevitably he has covered for their father too.

Well you say you also have tweens which makes them the same age as your DSS so if they don’t require that much looking after when your DH parents solo then surely the same also applies when you have his DS solo.

Anyway I was questioning it because you clearly said that your DH was only “occasionally” away when this happens which would mean that he was there the majority of the time to look after his own DS. Drip feeding that he’s actually away AT LEAST one night a week obviously changes things.

This!
100 times this!

If DH said sorry not watching your kids or he was also going out that would be fine as my oldest will be 18 in a few weeks and is more than willing and capable.

Is this why it’s suddenly become an issue now? You no longer need DH to look after your kids anymore as the oldest is about to turn 18 so now you no longer want to watch DS?

Just because he's away once a week doesn't mean that regularly falls on days when stepchild is supposed to here.

I have one tween. A tween who is used to being one of a larger family and very self-sufficient in terms of entertainment is a different kettle of fish to a child who is an only and used to an audience and therefore takes up a lot more in terms of attention they expect/need from a caregiver.

I feel very much like you are comparing apples with pears. Two children of the same age are not necessarily the same in terms of how much active parenting is involved with them.

Yes, by default my DH has covered for my children's father as his absence means 100% of the parenting falls to us. However, his absence also means that their father is not critiquing what DH does or does not do with my children. He is free to do as much or as little as he feels he is able to give without their father chipping in his opinion on that from the sidelines.

She is totally taking the piss.

However, it sounds like you have a good relationship with him and if he is your "average" 12 yr old I assume pretty low maintenance?
Also sounds like he must like you too to be pretty happy to have these adhoc's dumped on him by his mum.

Therefore I would be telling her she is a piss taker but making sure he knows he is always welcome.

Change the narrative to one where you explain that sometimes you have plans that SC's mum is unaware of and so can't have her. And explain to her in that, if her mum would ask rather than assume, it wouldn't be a problem. All gentle and reasonable and non-confrontational so SC doesn't have to throw her.mum under a bus.

Hmm.

It's not great, it she does have you boxed in a bit.

In your shoes I'd arrange some stuff for the next few weekends/weeks so you are out of the house a bit more. A lot more, in fact. Maybe you've got some family stuff coming up.

If step son is dropped over on her time and no-one is in (except possibly Dad) and this happens a few times step son will be less keen on it, and you might then be able to have a conversation with him along the lines of "well, it would be better all round if mum messaged and found out if we are around that day/weekend".

It's not the same though is it. Ops ex husband isn't talking advantage of her husband for childcare is he? Ops husband is just... There. He's not being expected to be there at all times so ops ex can ditch their kids on him.

Why do you think op should look after this step child? You've a lot of reasons why everyone else is wrong but no reasons why you actually think she should?

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth
I think the issue is one of consent rather than reciprocity.

OP looks after DH's child when SC is there on DH's time. Sometimes she does this solo, on the occasions when he asks. He, when around, helps parent her children. So they offer reciprocity in their arramgement.

The SC's mum doesn't ask, just assumes a consent that has not been given. With bad-mouthing instead if reciprocity.

The favours the OP's husband does her in respect of mutual childcare are not the SC's mum's to call in

No-one other than a SM would ever be expected to put up with this level of CF-ery.

I would never allow another person to control my time like that. I would not allow another person to encroach on time with my children like that. My children have one mum. Me. I certainly wouldn't allow the ex partner of my OH to dictate my time. I have good self esteem and robust boundaries. Which means no one takes the piss. Not my DH, no one. Your DH should have already told her to stop. She should have asked once and been told no. If your DH won't then you need to.

I have excellent self-esteem, great boundaries, but I am also a mother and a caregiver.

Do you really think its as simple when faced with stepchilds mother saying to stepchild along the lines of, 'You can't be here tonight as I have plans.' For then the stepchild to hear from their other caregivers, 'Well you can't be here either because not my problem tonight.' That must be horrific to feel like that.

It has been interesting and mostly affirming to hear other peoples opinions. I think I am 'right' for want of a better term, but right isn't always so cut and dried and perhaps being a better mother whether that be step or not is more important.

It's not on you to be a better mother, it's on their actual mother to be a better mother.

I did this for years op. I picked up her slack. I comforted her child when she couldn't be arsed with him etc etc. it got me absolutely nowhere. Because it never does when there is someone manipulative involved. The moral highground is a fucking lonely place to be, believe me. You've got to put on your own life jacket first.

Fair enough @fragglerockless good luck with it all.
One thing though, if you have daughters it won't hurt them to see you saying no every once in a while. Dont teach them that they are beholden to anyone else for any reason.

You are reasonable to want to say no and his mother is taking advantage. How you say no is the problem though. You can’t say it only to stepson and you would need to be careful how you expressed it to his mother or you will be badmouthed and, more distressing, he might feel unwanted. Does he maybe realise that your house is much more a home where he is part of a family. As others say you might need to let the imbalance in time he is with you establish and then ask for it to be reflected financially.

I get it OP. DSS is now 20 and can get himself here, back home again and occasionally look after the dog for the weekend if we want without him burning the house down or the dog escaping. He happily flits here mid week if he wants to, but.....

I still need to know a few days in advance how many people are here for dinner for example on which nights and it's dependant on whether DH or I are cooking (he's air fryer level vs my home cooked level) and sometimes I schedule late work calls, days in the office and heaven forbid the occasional gym class early evening which means a bit of catch up to finish work on time.

This sounds like micromanagement and I don't even have a child of my own and but hate it if by Thursday morning if I dont know how many people are here for what at the weekend and at what time. It's not too much to ask to know how the mechanics of the next few days that should be down time are looking ESPECIALLY if it's on the whim of another household.

My suggestion is that you draw a line on which days it's not ok to land this on you last minute, that way you don't give her any ammo to complain. And you have a tiny bit of certainty. 12-15 years old this all changes in my experience and teens start dictating weekends etc based on sport and social plans. Whatever you do don't give her the stick to beat you and the kid with. Just be clear I.e Mondays don't work for us and if it's going to be the extra weekend we need to know by Thursday morning