Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

You clearly don't have step-child/children.

Also children have different needs and interests at 6 months compared to 6 years compared to 16 years.

If the parent, current spouse or future spouse was having a medical emergency or very serious medical issue they would be put before the child in that incidence.

So your list is false.

I can't be bothered to think of all the other scenarios where a child/children well-being comes after that of an adult.

This doesn’t even make any sense.

Nor this. 🤷‍♀️

Did @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia put medical emergency in his/her list? No. So what are you even on about?

I'd walk way. Leave the three of them to it. It won't get any better

It depends on the context.

My kids don't come 100% first all of the time.

I dunno for instance if I had to like take DH to hospital and it meant ds missing a club, DH would come first in that scenario.

I feel that's applicable with step parents as well. Like the kids generally come first but not like, in every circumstance.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia your right, children come first. Part of that is bringing them up to be decent, well rounded people.

We do our a DC a massive disservice by making them the centre of the universe, life, relationships, work all require us to be able to see the bigger picture, see than everyone has needs, some more important than others at different times.

I would not put up with this no way. End of story x

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia I read what you put, I just disagree.

I grew up in a blended family and I'm now a mum I certainly wouldn't be taking your approach with my kids. Mainly because I want them to grow up to be well rounded human beings that treat other human beings with care and kindness.
It seems others have a different view which I'm cool with, but let's not pretend it's some moral higher place by saying that a another human can't put up a healthy boundary to keep them safe from abuse in their home.

I'm not using titles because this doesn't just apply to sm but to all people within a family unit should have this right..

I have to spell this out on a parenting website? FFS.

You bring these vulnerable new humans into existence, they become your number one priority. This is not hard to understand.

Not taking your child to Scouts because your DH is having a suspected heart attack is not what I meant, and you know that so stop being disingenuous.

Same goes for @Chocolatebuttonns.

The subject of this thread is a young girl who is having sex at 13. Her safeguarding needs are clearly not being met, yet the OP is on here calling her "promiscuous". If there's anyone who needs to recognise that they are not the centre of the universe, it's OP.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia ,

You put children’s’ needs first, not wants. They don’t get to rule the roost; that is not even good for them.

A balanced upbringing means children are listened to, but so is everyone else, and reasonable compromises are made. Pandering to every strop and desire isn’t putting a child’s needs first.

The stepdaughter needs her father to put in firm boundaries and, of course, that means basic manners and respect for OP.

As for the sex, we haven’t been told whether this is exploitative or they are both the same age. If the latter, it is awfully young, but it happens. But if she is being promiscuous within her age group, then the OP is factually correct, and there is nothing wrong with her description. She does, however, need guidance and boundaries.

You’re completely insufferable. Are you like this in real life?

As @Newbutoldfather says, the child's needs come first. If you aren't prepared to deliver on that, you should not have kids.

I’m sorry you quite clearly are projecting here and I’m sorry if you had a shit childhood.

as many people have said, you can be a caring and considerate parents without allowing your kids to rule the roost they don’t have to be at the top of EVERY list ALL the time . Making entitled brats doesn’t help anyone.

The term "promiscuous" is misogynist. It's only ever applied to women.

You put children’s’ needs first, not wants.

That's what I was trying to say when I made that list of things that kids have to be higher than.

This girl's needs are clearly not being met. Kids don't have sex and smoke joints at 13 for no reason. I certainly didn't do those things at that age. This is not normal child behaviour.

The stepdaughter needs her father to put in firm boundaries and, of course, that means basic manners and respect for OP.

I have said repeatedly that the girl's father needs to parent her. This is not delivered by kicking her out of the paternal home.

WTF is "projecting"?

There's a big difference between meeting a child's needs and letting them rule the roost

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

‘The term "promiscuous" is misogynist. It's only ever applied to women.’

Rubbish!

And there is a link to one of an almost infinite number of studies I could find comparing male and female promiscuity.

if it is misogynistic in the circles you move in, you need to change your friends.

https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2015-02-04-do-you-stray-or-stay-humans-divide-promiscuous-or-faithful-groups#:~:text=While%20more%20data%20is%20required,than%20in%20the%20promiscuous%20group.

Outside of academia, it's used to refer to women and computer network cards.

It's a term that, in everyday language, is inherently judgemental.

We are talking about a 13yo FFS. Depending on the age of the other party, he could have committed a criminal sexual offence.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia ,

‘This girl's needs are clearly not being met. Kids don't have sex and smoke joints at 13 for no reason. I certainly didn't do those things at that age. This is not normal child behaviour’

Nor did I, but my brother did. I am not sure that it proves much. Kids are different. To be fair though, it sounds like the mother is an appalling parent and the father also a weak one.

‘I have said repeatedly that the girl's father needs to parent her. This is not delivered by kicking her out of the paternal home’

We finally agree! Kicking her out would be disgraceful. She needs to face the same consequences as she would were her parents still married: grounding, loss of electronics etc. But, were she to choose to live more with her mother, at 13 there is little her father could do but hope she realises the grass isn’t greener with no boundaries and comes back.

Sexual activity involving a child under the age of 16 should be considered a potential safeguarding concern. Professionals who are aware of sexual activity involving a child aged under 16, should follow their organisational, local, and national procedures when deciding whether to make a safeguarding referral. Sexual activity involving a child under the age of 13 should always result in a child protection referral.

That was quoted from the NSPCC website.

"If she screams “Fuck off” in your face, you don’t tell her not to speak to you like that or she’ll be grounded, you say, “I can see you’re really upset. I don’t like being screamed at but happy to talk more when you’re calm.”

I think only a saint would do this in practice.