Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

[MaloneMeadow]

There comes a point where you have to realise that SD didn’t choose to be in your life either. It has to be difficult sharing her dad with you and dealing with the split of her parents. You are probably baring the emotional brunt of it all which is hard but you do need to accept that she is a teenager who in all likelihood is really struggling. Have some empathy and try to address the root cause, not just the issues that you and your DH perceive. How about a family mediation session as a starting point?

[Ponderingwindow]

Just because dad was ready to move to each progressive step in your relationship, doesn’t mean his daughter was ready. It doesn’t matter if it was 7 long years. It doesn’t matter if the mother wasn’t helping the situation. In the end you have a child who has been telling you she is unhappy with the adult’s plans, but no one has been listening.

[CheekyHobson]

Presumably she is suffering from having a horrific lack of support and healthy boundaries at her mother’s house if she is out smoking drugs and sleeping with boys. Negative or sexual attention is probably the only kind of attention she feels she can reliably get. I think it’s telling she doesn’t actually want to spend more time at her mother’s place.

Franky I think focusing on discipline (or making one-on-one time with her some kind of life lesson by doing outdoorsy activities if she’s not super-into them herself — better to drive her to the mall to hang out with her friends and chat in the car on the way there if that’s what she likes to do… then take her for a coffee afterwards) isn’t doing you any favours at this point. You need to focus on creating a safe, unconditionally validating, mutually trusting space for her, and worry about your own boundaries rather than trying to get her to behave a certain way. All your attempts to “instil discipline” will likely just come off as being controlling.

So if she tells you the sky is green, you say, “Oh you think so? Why’s that?” Not sarcastically. Interested.

If she screams “Fuck off” in your face, you don’t tell her not to speak to you like that or she’ll be grounded, you say, “I can see you’re really upset. I don’t like being screamed at but happy to talk more when you’re calm.”

You need to build a real relationship, and that means meeting her where she is at, even if that’s a very long way from where you wish she was.

[comfyshoes2022]

What a difficult situation - I’m sorry.

Your SD sounds very troubled, I am sorry to say. I agree with the PP that it may make sense to dramatically change course in terms of how you all interact with her in the hopes of preventing her from continuing to go down this dangerous path. Although your SD is getting some counseling already, I would also consider family counseling and counseling for you and your DH to navigate the situation.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

Step kid or not there is no way I would tolerate this behaviour in my home. Firm no from me. I’d be telling my husband that if he wanted to see her that’s fine but he could do it elsewhere.

completely unacceptable.

[MariaLuna]

^Step kid or not there is no way I would tolerate this behaviour in my home. Firm no from me. I’d be telling my husband that if he wanted to see her that’s fine but he could do it elsewhere.

completely unacceptable.^

I agree with this. I wouldn't be looking favourably on my husband either if he can't bring up his child properly i.e. someone with respect for others. He's not doing her any favours as she grows up.

yet it is my house. Frankly I'd be telling both of them to fuck off. Bliss!

[Violetparis]

I wouldn't tolerate anyone screaming abuse in my face. I think you and your husband both need to step up and set some boundaries in your house, if she doesn't like them then tell her she can go back to her mothers.

[WimpoleHat]

The thing that jumps out to me is you constantly talk about the problem that “we have”. I’d take a big step back. Look up the nacho method - not your child, not your problem. Go out when she’s here. Be polite and courteous - but just absent yourself from the situation. Try it for a few weeks and see how it feels for you then.

[ilovebreadsauce]

One thing that jumped out at me is that you twice refer to the girl's mum as 'jealous'. What were the circumstances of the break up? Did her dad leave his ex( and her) for you?

[Reugny]

There is no need for family counselling, however you need to change your own attitude.

There are plenty of step-children who know their separated parents have different rules in their homes, and what is tolerated in home isn't in the other. And her age is no excuse - in fact she should behave better since she has known you for a long time.

Firstly stop running after your step-daughter. Stop cooking her favourite meals and cleaning up after her. Leave it for her dad to do and do your own thing if she turns up. He needs to actively parent her and not expect you to do anything. Just because you are female doesn't mean you are a skivvy.

Secondly and most importantly talk to your husband.Tell him that he needs to deal with his child rudeness, otherwise his child is not welcome to come into your house. He can see her elsewhere until she learns basic manners. Then make sure you mean it so don't be afraid to chuck them both out.

[Versailles2025]

Think I’d move out when she is living with you.

You can’t spend your life living like this.

Separate houses but still stay married?

[Reugny]

@ilovebreadsauce

One thing that jumped out at me is that you twice refer to the girl's mum as 'jealous'. What were the circumstances of the break up? Did her dad leave his ex( and her) for you?

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Unfortunately some people have an issue if the other parent of their children moves on after they split up and stops running round after them. They then use their child as a weapon.

[MissyB1]

No one has to tolerate being abused in their own home, and her behaviour is abusive even if she doesn’t realise it. Yes I’m sure there are reasons for it, and the desperate attention seeking behaviours she’s been engaging in, such as having sex etc suggests low self esteem. That doesn’t mean any kind of behaviour should be overlooked. You are entitled to feel safe and comfortable in your home.

You could try family counselling (if she will agree). Otherwise she will need to spend less time at your house, until she can agree to tone down the aggression.

[NameChangeAgain0224]

@Versailles2025

Think I’d move out when she is living with you.

You can’t spend your life living like this.

Separate houses but still stay married?

Edited

Same here.

i don’t think you can ban her from the house and make your husband see her elsewhere as I think that would make things even worse, but I would definitely just leave them to it and spend as little time with her as is possible.

[LGyouknow]

@MaloneMeadow

There comes a point where you have to realise that SD didn’t choose to be in your life either. It has to be difficult sharing her dad with you and dealing with the split of her parents. You are probably baring the emotional brunt of it all which is hard but you do need to accept that she is a teenager who in all likelihood is really struggling. Have some empathy and try to address the root cause, not just the issues that you and your DH perceive. How about a family mediation session as a starting point?

You should probably read the thread previous to this where we talk about 'the most ludicrous things we've ever been told as an SM'

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@Versailles2025

Think I’d move out when she is living with you.

You can’t spend your life living like this.

Separate houses but still stay married?

Edited

it’s the OPs house!! So she is staying put!! The nasty step daughter can go elsewhere and the husband too if he wants but the OP isn’t moving out to give anyone space when it’s her house!! ( honestly , this belongs on that other thread about times where people say stuff on MN that is ridiculous!)

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@NameChangeAgain0224

Same here.

i don’t think you can ban her from the house and make your husband see her elsewhere as I think that would make things even worse, but I would definitely just leave them to it and spend as little time with her as is possible.

Again. Absolutely ridiculous ITS THE OPS HOUSE FFS.

[HellonHeels]

@Reugny

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Unfortunately some people have an issue if the other parent of their children moves on after they split up and stops running round after them. They then use their child as a weapon.

It's totally relevant if OP was an affair partner and the affair broke up the marriage thereby bringing huge pain and suffering to the SD.

[MattDamon]

If the mother is such a bad influence/not parenting, why doesn't the father go for full custody? Telling her to spend more time at her mum's is the exact opposite thing a good father would do.

[Lumiodes]

A decent kid doesn’t start smoking and having sex at 13 just because she doesn’t like her SM. This isn’t about you. She’s a bad apple and clearly isn’t being parented properly. It’s your house, just tell her she’s not allowed in and her dad will have to see her elsewhere!

[MattDamon]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

Again. Absolutely ridiculous ITS THE OPS HOUSE FFS.

It's the SD's house, too. And the father of the SD.

[MaloneMeadow]

@MissyB1

No one has to tolerate being abused in their own home, and her behaviour is abusive even if she doesn’t realise it. Yes I’m sure there are reasons for it, and the desperate attention seeking behaviours she’s been engaging in, such as having sex etc suggests low self esteem. That doesn’t mean any kind of behaviour should be overlooked. You are entitled to feel safe and comfortable in your home.

You could try family counselling (if she will agree). Otherwise she will need to spend less time at your house, until she can agree to tone down the aggression.

Having sex isn’t attention seeking, what planet are you on?

[MaloneMeadow]

@LGyouknow

You should probably read the thread previous to this where we talk about 'the most ludicrous things we've ever been told as an SM'

What are you talking about?

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@MattDamon

It's the SD's house, too. And the father of the SD.

Nope sorry. It’s the OPs house first and foremost. Please stop with the bullshit that SD is more important than the Op. she is not.

[XFiler]

It’s the op’s house and I’d be telling him to have her elsewhere.