Hi
I’m a newly married step-mum but have known my step-kids for 3 years and I also have my own child.
My ‘vision’ for our blended family is that my husband and I will be a united set of parents to all the children ( respective ex’s have new spouses and will also be parents). By united, I mean that we talk to and about the kids together and see them together and help them together, make family decisions together - like parents would. The other sets of respective parents would also do that and if we all needed to communicate about the kids for their wellbeing and development or arrangements we’d call or text and speak as a group.
My husband has other ideas. He likes to talk to, message and see his kids without me. He talks with his ex wife and makes arrangements about seeing the kids or their needs without me. She thinks nothing of late night calling and calling and calling or messaging whenever ( honestly about nothing - I’ve lost my driving licence, my sinks blocked, I’m buying the boys football boots and don’t know where to get them from - she is married!!) Weekends are booked up 6 months in advance with either his youngest coming to stay or him going to watch football ( every weekend). I have missed out on many occasions of a Saturday night show or concert because he has always made his own arrangements a priority. No exaggeration- I get to the weekend after working 60 hours and feel like there is no relationship time or downtime literally ever. I’ve spoken to my husband so many times about this and I’m even seeing a counsellor because I’m just very down in general. He just threatens the divorce word. He also drinks heavily. Anytime I say that my counsellor has suggested something for him to change too ( like setting boundaries with his ex or changing how he communicates solely with the kids without me)- he shouts me down and threatens divorce.
Now I understand that I am not a legal parent to any child but mine but I feel like I share my parenting and my child with him but he doesn’t reciprocate. It’s like he lives a double life sometimes.
we never see the older kids of his (age16), maybe they come over twice a year but he sees them in his ex wife’s house for an hour every fortnight when dropping the youngest off and messages and calls them whenever he likes. I never see them or bond with them because of this. My thinking is that if anything happened to my husband ( he is older), I’d never see the kids ( or maybe I would once I’m an old lady and they want some inheritance). It just seems wrong to me.
my 16 year old sees his dad every other weekend because he thinks it’s important to see both parents - despite his dad doing him wrong in the past.
To get to the point I feel really left out. I feel like I don’t have a family or a husband who wants to create that family with me.
I’m doing more harm than good trying to ‘get through’ to him. I’m vulnerable and desperately want a family unit, I have past trauma of rejection and abandonment and this whole situation is just dragging up lots of triggers. I just feel too weak to leave and very scared of being on my own and feeling like I’m an unwanted failure.