DSD very overweight - what can DP do?

[LGyouknow]

I'm looking to get some advice please on our current situation with DSD who's nearly 10, being very over weight. DP & ex have been divorced now for 5 years. Initially DSD's weight was relatively stable the first few years post divorce (always a little chonky) but nether the less stable. We noticed the past 2 years her weight has quite considerably increased.

DP has always watched what she eats, having been a very overweight child and he didn't want the same for his daughter to have to go through childhood/teens being overweight. We cook fresh, avoid fizzy drinks and limit bad snacks, portion control, all the usual things. However, despite us making the adjustment's, it doesn't look like this has been the case back home as her weight just piles on (I'm talking over 8 stone now at around 140cm) which puts her in the 99th centile. DSD is a very active kid which is great so there's no issues there and she does sport a few times a week every week plus at weekends.

Just going off a few comments DSD has made, I get the feeling that she understands that as she's active she can therefore eat what she wants and we've tried to carefully explain to her that this is not the case. DP has talked about this very tactfully as we don't want to give her a complex about her weight or anything. She's also not a particularly fussy eater which is great but there is a constant demand for snacks. She does mention what she eats when at her mums, and I don't want to come on here and talk negatively about her or place blame but at the end of the day some of what she says she eats is truly terribly (we are talking nearly 600 cals for breakfast I added up) every day before school.

My question is, is where the hell do we go from here? DPs relationship is not great with his ex and communication now has to be over email as agreed at mediation. It seems rather pointless to send an email anyway expressing his concerns, as surely it's just stating the obvious? (especially as mum is slim and in the fitness industry). The school haven't mentioned anything yet either. If he takes her to the GP, what would they do? Could anything be informally/formally agreed at another mediation session if it was regarding DSD's weight? DP doesn't want his daughter to look back and wonder why he didn't do anything to try and help her regarding her weight. He's really concerned now.

Thank you for any advice!

What is the custody agreement, so how many days per week is she staying at your home vs at her mums?

DP has her Fri-Tues EOW, and every other month it's Thurs-Tues EOW (shift work).

Okay so is there any way the custody agreements could be altered to more like 50/50? Put simply the best way you can help her is by being around her more to demonstrate good habits, exercise and healthy eating. At 10 years old she is not yet able to do her own food shop, her own meal prep, she can’t go to the corner shop and buy her own snacks/fizzy drinks, she can’t take herself for a run, a walk or to the gym, she is completely under the control of her parent. Which means if she has a parent who eats healthily and does regular exercise then that’s exactly what she will do, just like if she has a parent who eats rubbish, snacks all day, takeaways for tea and spends all free time infront of the sofa then that’s what she will do.

There’s nothing the GP can do, yes they can say she is overweight and make recommendations for her to live a healthier lifestyle, but this loops straight back to my initial point- she’s 10. The only person who can enforce and encourage those lifestyle changes is the parent she is living with. If she spends 90% of the time with a parent who allows huge amounts of snacks, sweets, overeating, then it doesn’t really matter what happens the other 10% of the time. The only way your DP can help is to actually be a present parent and step up for her, have her 50% of the time as a minimum, show her what “healthy” looks like and what “normal” looks like. If she is in a household 90% of the time where breakfast is 600 calories, snacks are offered all day, tea is Mcdonalds etc then that is what she see’s as “normal”. You need to offer an alternative. You can’t change what happens at her mum’s house and no GP can change that either, all you can do is provide an alternative, show her what healthy looks like.

DP has a similar situation. Has spoken to Mum who believes it is puppy fat and she will out grow it. Doesn’t want to cause upset etc. I’d imagine some of this stems from Mum wanting to make her DD happy!

We believe the best thing we can do is; encourage more moving and less sedentary behaviour. Limits on screen time, active travel and dog walks. Cooking together and talking about healthy eating, serving food up rather than on the table, to help yourself. Smaller treats (think Freddos). Checking for signs of hunger rather than boredom, habit etc. this has essentially created boundaries around food. Previously we’d get 5 ish requests for snacks and saying I’m hungry 20 minutes after meal times. Now it’s 3 meals and a small snack…

There has been no weight loss and unfortunately DSD is now at a weight where she cannot grow and stretch out to become a healthy weight but we are hopeful we are showing a better way with food. We are hoping her weight is stable but very hard to know for sure.

Did you post about this before but in the other thread live hundreds of miles away?

No? We live 20 minutes away...

Get her a book out the library

• Daughter is active, enjoys sport for the activity and not to punish her body
• Daughter is modelled healthy diet by dad and eats healthy diet at your house
• You cannot control what happens at mums house and any attempt to do so will end badly.

The absolute best and healthiest thing you and your husband can do from here is to love her, cherish her, make sure she knows you are proud of her for who she is.

Keep enjoying exercise as a family activity- walks or bike rides or family tennis games, so the memory is of exercise for fun.

If your husband was overweight as a teen there's likely a genetic element (even if her diet is healthy) that she cannot control.

The worst thing you can do- especially as her step mum- is have any role whatsoever in making her feel that her body is a problem and something she should be ashamed of.

Know what you can control and what you can't, and act within those bounds to ensure your stepdaughter feels secure and proud of herself.

This 100%