Arguments with DH over stepchildren

[Hopelesscynic]

I feel like I can't say anything to DH about his kids (17 and 20), without it turning into an argument and me being accused of hating/disliking them.
I treat them kindly and patiently, leave their dad to parent them but will sometimes point things out to him (privately) that I dont agree with.
E.g. SC1 has his own income and a very large amount of savings (a result from not being asked to contribute anything to household expenses). He'd broken something in the house, which would cost us minimum £200 to replace, yet DH wouldn't even ask him to pay it and says if he does and gets a refusal then it's fine because he "can't force him". In the meantime he still treats him like a child - pays for everything when they are out, buys him expensive Xmas gifts, expects no responsibility or anything from him.
I don't agree with this and told him so, but it only caused a fight.
It was my birthday recently, SC's weren't here but were invited to join us for a lovely dinner out. They did - but not even a card, nothing. Of course I know I'm not their mum and didn't expect much, but I can't imagine going to anyone's birthday and not hand them a card. DH saw that but didn't say a thing... I just felt really hurt as I teach my child these kind of things and for every one of DH's birthdays, I always check and make sure they have something for him, even if small (a card and chocolates usually). I'd be so embarrassed if they just showed up like this, especially at their ages.
Some days I really resent being in the position of a step parent, being unappreciated with a DH who either doesn't care or doesn't get it.

I think cards have largely been left in the last century - many teens never send or give them ever. I only give cards to one or two very elderly relatives now, no one else ever expects them or gives them

Why is the 20yo still at home if he has tons of money? Of course he should pay his way, and of course he should pay for someone he broke.

I think cards are unusual now.

My brother said last Christmas he only sends cards to me and our mum. I still send Christmas and birthday cards but I do think it is a dying tradition.

With respect to the other stuff - pointing out to your husband privately things you don't like about your step children is tantamount to criticising his parenting. It won't go well.

Reading this feels like a flash forward! With a man whose kids can do no wrong even though they can 🤦🏼‍♀️ we have very different ideas on the right way to bring up kids. Funnily enough my last birthday was ruined (2 years on a trot his youngest has fucked my birthday) by calling my best mates son fat. He is not but has some body image worries so this was not a great comment. Partner oh it’s just kids being kids. I’m sorry no get a grip! I feel like if I do another 8 years of this I’ll kill him or myself 😂 well done for surviving

Sorry - your birthday was "f*cked" because your /sdc called your best mates son fat.

Are you serious that this is enough to ruin your birthday?

When he has body image issues already yes! The whole meal was awkward and uncomfortable because my partner, kids dad didn’t say a thing to him. My friend clearly pissed off nothing was said. My friends kids silently crying and hiding his face so yea all in all he fucked the night.

for every one of DH's birthdays, I always check and make sure they have something for him, even if small (a card and chocolates usually).
Knock that on the head for a start!

Sorry to hear about your ruined birthdays @EG94
Must have been so awful and embarrassing for everyone around (well, except for your DH amd his son cleary!)
This is what I mean, when a man is too reluctant to set his children straight - and God forbid making them feel bad about their rude/unacceptable behavior. I understand there's some guilt and overcompensating, but wouldn't you want your children to grow up as decent people?
My DH lets a lot of things slide, when it comes to SS1 in particular it's always been a free pass, he isn't taught or expected to do much. Luckily he doesn't live with us because I wouldn't have cut him that much slack now that he's an adult. I wouldn't be doing all his laundry, cooking, cleaning after him etc while it doesn't occur to him to lift a finger. But that's how he lives at his mum's.

@Hopelesscynic yea exactly! Like yes kids are insensitive and make stupid comments but then that’s when as a parent you explain what’s right and wrong and how the behaviours and comments affect others. But to let it pass is just infuriating, especially when you are directly affected by the behaviours and comments yet have no say in it! Always ends in arguements between him and I. Never sees my point and I too am accused of hating them and being cold to them. No just basic manners and respect is an expectation and when that’s not met I’m disappointed that you failed to parent. He is setting them up to fail. Same with mine, mums house is a house of no rules and anything goes. Like they’re both afraid to fix them. Being a parent is not an easy job. You aren’t a friend in the younger years. Lost on him

You are living my life, dh's children are older now and don't live with us but nothing changes. The oldest is almost 30 and is not allowed to pay for anything.. his phone, car, medical, parking tickets. Dh cannot say no to any request from any of them. They've changed their names to their step dad's.. dh there for money. Not going to change.

Our children are in early twenties, and aren’t step children, but we would still pay for the meal, and pay when we all go on holiday together ( one lives at home, the other doesn’t). Plus we buy them nice birthday and Christmas presents. I don’t actually see anything wrong in this.

Yes, if they knew it was a birthday meal they should have brought a card, chocolates or flowers.

Also, if they were living with you, I’d expect them to help out at home, and not be waitered on hand and foot.

I understand this. Basically, seems like there are no rules for DSC, nothing that can be said to them, they’re not to be upset, regardless of how they might upset other people.

Tbh, they’re not growing up to be very nice people. DH is different with our DC, and our DC understand that we won’t tolerate this behaviour from them. Not my circus, not my monkeys, is my motto now.

I don’t wait hand and foot on them either; DH might be terrified to upset them, I am not.

THIS!!! They're 17 and 20 FFS!!!! I do this with my DSD for her dad but she's 11!

I can’t believe this wasn’t addressed. That’s really sad to read. I’m sure if it was turned around and their child was the one sat crying things would have been very different.

That was my whole argument back. Let’s keep in mind the kid making the comments is a sensitive child who doesn’t make friends easily. I said if someone said that to your kid you’d be fuming. Why is ok for him to upset others but not for him to be upset! It’s just breeding so much resentment. Not sure I can take much more ☹️