Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

SD11 not wiping properly still

16 replies

noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 11:43

We have had on going issues with SD mum regarding hygiene, weight and general health.

She doesn't seem to do much at all and isn't bothered with our concerns.

One of which is poo in knickers. She isn't wiping thoroughly- obviously.

There's a bit of sad background where we found out mum hardly used to buy loo roll when she was younger and she used to drip dry. We found this out while she was with us and we started to notice she wasn't wiping so asked her and she said mum never has loo roll so tells me to shake.

They aren't financially in a bad place. Mum works full time and dad gives above maintenance etc. So that really isn't a reason.

Moving forwards she's always coming to us with dirty or stained knickers. I have spoken to mum and so has my partner obviously.

Her response is usually 'ah the dirty little bugger, always having skids in her pants- can you remind her to wipe for me' it's just horrid really.

So we have in the past, sat down and discussed the importance of wiping properly.

But unsure what option we have left? We can remind her and remind her but if mum isn't helping there it's just like hitting a wall.

Her underwear and leggings always smell awful; it's sad.

Alongside this, there's a whole list of other hygiene issues, lack of school attendance and her being obese.

My partner cannot take her to our GP as she lives 250 miles away and the mum has said she doesn't want to take her as she doesn't want to give her a complex. This is regarding everything. Dad has offered to take her with them both to sort but she said no.

What are the options here? We have spoken to LA and school. Both seem unbothered.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
DustyLee123 · 16/02/2024 11:47

School nurse.
Has she been assessed for SEN?

noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 11:58

DustyLee123 · 16/02/2024 11:47

School nurse.
Has she been assessed for SEN?

No SEN. School just don't seem to be that bothered with any of our concerns at all. My partner has had numerous calls with the safeguarding officer and it just seems to be noted but no action.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 16/02/2024 14:08

I'd be travelling 250 miles and taking her to the doctors myself if I was dad. He has parental responsibility so can do so. Can you leave flushable wipes in the bathroom and encourage her to keep a packet in her bag too?

SKG231 · 16/02/2024 14:53

I would be packing her toilet roll and toilet wipes.

Making the Drs appointment and husband takes the day off and drives up for it. Even if it’s a school day, let the school know in advance and go and get her.

if you’re that concerned about neglect, social services.

get her outdoors doing actives and going to the park etc whenever you have her and encouraging healthy eating (not dieting)

amylou8 · 16/02/2024 15:04

How overweight is she? It can make it quite difficult to reach properly. I'd definitely be getting her some sort of wet wipes to use.

PutMyFootIn · 16/02/2024 15:10

Another one here who would just drive the 250 miles if it meant that's what I needed to do.

caringcarer · 16/02/2024 15:34

If she arrives with dirty knickers I'd wonder if her Mum washed her clothes enough. Does she have clean knickers every day or is she made to wear the same pair for days at a time? I'd send her home with a 6 pack of spare clean knickers, toilet rolls and wet bathroom wipes. Get her a handbag so she can keep a pack of the wet toilet wipes in there. I'd buy her a dry non sticky cream deodorant stick too something like a Dove dry stick. It sounds like she is being neglected.

mirror245 · 16/02/2024 15:40

Have you sent a few packs of wipes home with her? Is it a toilet roll issue or a skill issue (not able to wipe or not understanding why?).

Aknifewith16blades · 16/02/2024 16:31

Some children have medical reasons for soiling: https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling/

Or (and very much hoping that this isn't the case) it could be an indication of sexual abuse.

Your partner should be able to take her to your GP as a visiting patient? https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/nhs-services-and-treatments/how-can-i-see-a-gp-if-i-am-away-from-home/

Poor kid, I hope she gets the support she needs.

Child hanging washing on line

Soiling - ERIC

Soiling is not caused by laziness or naughtiness. We explain the the causes of soiling (or encopresis) and how to stop it happening.

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling

noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 16:38

I should have added sorry;

When we noticed and ask about the drip drying, dad always sent toilet roll and other toiletries that she'd need too. He used to do food shops when she was younger as well.

He is going to try and make an appointment next week and drive up there; mum will not be happy.

We have also had a sensitive chat this afternoon and she said she was relieved someone has spoken to her about her weight as she has felt so embarrassed etc. I ended up having a little cry alone after as I felt so sorry for her.

Dad has had to be very careful in the past before court, as anything he did that mum didn't like, she'd obstruct contact. They have a court order in place now so dad does feel more protected in a way? If that makes sense.

OP posts:
noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 16:38

Aknifewith16blades · 16/02/2024 16:31

Some children have medical reasons for soiling: https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling/

Or (and very much hoping that this isn't the case) it could be an indication of sexual abuse.

Your partner should be able to take her to your GP as a visiting patient? https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/nhs-services-and-treatments/how-can-i-see-a-gp-if-i-am-away-from-home/

Poor kid, I hope she gets the support she needs.

The GP said we could only take her if she had minor illness; such as a sore throat or tummy ache?

OP posts:
noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 16:39

We also send her back with knickers and socks! Always.

OP posts:
Bkjahshue · 16/02/2024 16:48

We had Not dissimilar issues; we made it very clear to DSC that if they wanted to live with us they could as all those issues mean there is general neglect and as a teenager they moved to live with us.
Gather your evidence is my main advice.

Mynewnameis · 16/02/2024 16:51

My dd had soiling from overflow and its distinctive smelly and gritty.
Poor girl, I hope you can help her (and her dad obviously)

ZekeZeke · 16/02/2024 17:26

The poor poor pet.
I'd be taking her back to live with you full time. She is being neglected ffs

noseovertailforyouth · 16/02/2024 19:03

ZekeZeke · 16/02/2024 17:26

The poor poor pet.
I'd be taking her back to live with you full time. She is being neglected ffs

Edited

We would love this tbh. It's so hard for dads to get residency unfortunately.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page