Trapped in the house with DSS2

[piscofrisco]

This is long, sorry.
I'll preface this by saying I love my step sons. I'm just very frustrated by the situation we are currently in. DSS's mum moved them an hour away about a year and a half ago to move in with her boyfriend. Her plan Was for dh to go from having them 50/50 when they lived in the same place, to seeing them for four nights a month, every other Friday and Saturday at his Mums which is about 5 minutes nearer to where they now live. Family court chucked that out and we have them every other weekend Friday to Saturday and one night midweek one week, two nights the alternative, so 12 nights a month. We do the lions share of the travelling which has had a huge impact financially and on work. It's a 3 hour round trip in a morning due to traffic and that's before either of us start work. We do half the journeys each between dh and I.
All of which we have agreed to wear. Their mum is manipulative and is doing her level best to turn the kids against dh and I, and dh is terrified of standing up to her or asking for changes to the court order to make it more manageable for us all. He asked to drop one mid week night if we could then have an extra half term or more time in the summer and she flatly said no as it would impact her 'quality time' with them. Neither of us want to lose the boys anymore than we have. Dh finds all dealings with their mum very stressful and it's affected his mental health badly, as it is no doubt intended to do.
Anyway so far, so shit, but we were just about dealing with it. I went part time at work and we managed the travel etc.

Until their mum persuaded the boys that they should play for a football team near her every weekend instead of the one they had been perfectly happy playing in every other week near us (they they had played in it since they were 4). This means one of us driving them at least a 4 hour round trip on both Saturday and Sunday, plus game time so basically knocks out two thirds of each day. The boys have been told by mum and her boyfriend that if they don't play there every week it will be bad for their football 'careers' (it's under 11's football and frankly neither of them are going to end up winning the ballon d'or) and so they have put massive pressure on dh who again felt, rightly or wrongly, that he had no choice.

DSS1 is 12. On Saturdays when DSS1 and dh are out at football he is happy to potter about and can be left for a bit whilst I run errands or spend time with my DD's if they are about (older teens). DSS2 is a very a young 10. He can't be left at all. Come Sunday Mornings when his older brother goes to football with dh, he flat out refuses to go out, go anywhere or do anything except go on the PlayStation. He kicks off massively if we try to make him do anything at all, and then we get a horrible email from mum during the week. The whole thing is fraught with stress. Occasionally one of the girls will mind him but they also have weekend jobs and aren't always here. And it means if I want to do anything with them it's scuppered.

I am back to working full time now as our mortgage has just rocketed on top of everything else. I only have the weekend to get stuff done, or do anything nice. But I'm stuck in every other weekend with dss2 for a minimum of half a day, usually more. Today dh and dss2 left at 8.45, they will be back at 2pm. DH has tried taking dss2 with him on a Sunday, but it's another 2 hours minimum in the car, and in fairness he also needs a rest I suppose. Plus he just kicks off when it's suggested and throughout and then is awful for the rest of the day.

I know you will all say it's a Dh problem. And it would be easy for me to say that too. But we are a team and I don't feel able or want to nacho like that.

I'm just increasingly frustrated by the whole situation. We are just stuck in this endless cycle of travelling, working around the wants of the DSS's and their Mum... it's starting to affect our marriage and both dh and I's mental health.

Don't know why I posted this really. Im feeling very fed up today as dd1 and I wanted to go to London for the Chinese new year stuff, and we can't now go as dss2 refused to go with his dad, and doesn't want to come with us. It wouldn't be worth the hassle of making him come with as he would just ruin it by moaning. He can be a lovely boy-but there are definite issues around asking him to do things he doesn't want to do and subsequent behaviours.

I can't say this in rl to anyone as all my friends have nuclear families or more manageable
Situations and both sets of parents are very elderly and would just stress about it all. Think I just needed to vent.
Step parenting is bloody hard at times!

That sounds rough, you’ve come to the right place to vent. It is really hard!! My only strand of hope is maybe(?) everything feels harder and worse at this time of year. And maybe, hopefully, things will feel better in a month or two.
And maybe, just maybe, even people in nuclear families are at their wits end about something or other right now too.
I feel you though.
Love from another step mum x

PS. I have the exact same feeing with my SS when you said “He can be a lovely boy-but there are definite issues around asking him to do things he doesn't want to do and subsequent behaviours”
Feels like a common theme with kids from split family, parents are too scared to enforce rules because they never want to be bad cop and risk being disliked. And us step mums have to pick up the pieces. Yayyyyyyyyyyy

It was a big mistake not challenging this woman when she moved so far away

It was also ill thought out to ask for mid week contact when you live so far away

Drop the mid week contact and start putting in sensible boundaries with the wife

Its ridiculous that the children are doing all of this traveling

Are trains a possibility?

This!

This will only get better if your dh stands up to her and his boys. He needs to either tell her and the boys that you will not be driving back for football or he insists that both boys come so you can have a break.

He also needs to go back to court about the midweek night as the amount of driving is ridiculous. She must be made to do one of the drives or it must be changed.

In short you need to resolve to stop being pushed around here.

I understand you are a team but this isn't helping your dh gain confidence in his parenting.

I would hazard a guess that dss2 is kicking off because dad is off prioritising dds1. Which would be diluted if they spent the week together.

Dh has to take dss2 with him and figure out how to add value to their relationship at that time.

I have nothing but enormous respect for you. Your love and care for everyone in your family is abundant. It sounds like everyone is spreading themselves thin to accommodate two difficult people: mum and DSS10, who gets a pass for being a kid.

Two things come to mind:
Could he be just mentally flat/tired between school days and going back and forth between homes (plus mum sounds like an exhausting piece of work)?

Second thing: He may need more input from not only you but also DH in the form of preparation talks, i.e. “we are going out tomorrow at 10am. We’re doing xy and z, we’ll be home by lunchtime and you can game all Saturday afternoon once we’re home.” And then around 5pm announce, “You’ll have to get off the screen in 20 minutes. You’re having a bath/tea/dog walk /or whatever with the family.”
He may need more structure and that structure may need to be announced so that he can mentally prepare himself for the change in routine. My youngest son needs this. To be fair, he is on the autism spectrum but I find lots of kids do well with clear structures/set boundaries. It helps them feel more in control when life feels threadbare or chaotic.

This situation can't carry on - too much travelling and also DH isn't spending time with both his sons, depending on the day.

How about suggesting:

weekend 1 - both boys with their mum

weekend 2 - pick DSS2 up from his football practice on Saturday, and have him for rest of weekend. DSS1 stays with mum.

weekend 3 - pick DSS1 up on Friday, drop him back to his Sunday football. DSS2 stays with mum

weekend 4 - both DSSs with you and they both miss football once a month.

This would prioritise quality of life for the children I think, only travelling between the two locations once a weekend and quality time with their dad.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you should have gone in hard when she wanted to move by saying you would have the boys and she could have access…

however, it is what it is currently and I would go back to court really. The current situation is untenable and she should be facilitating some of the journeys. And yes I’d want to halt the midweek nonsense.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 definitely agree that court is necessary here. OP, you will break because of the travel alone. I was going on about boundary setting for kids in my post but actually you need court to set boundaries for mum. She’s really having everything her way. She’s got everyone appeasing her and caving to her needs with little regard for yours.

Your DH needs to take this back to court.

If I was your dh given it finishes at 2 I would take them both and go get a McDonald's or something and then. Drop them at there mams it seems silly to come back to go again

Also I would expect mum to do 50% of travel given she moved

I feel for you OP, the boys mum is doing a sterling job at controlling your household and your DH needs to go back to court.
However, one point, hell would freeze over before a 10 year old boy dictated what I was doing with my day. The minute he refused to go with DH then it was up to DH to sort alternative arrangements for him or, you know, tell the 10 year old he was going with him and that was that. How disappointing for your DD. Ask yourself why you made the choice to spoil hers and your day on the whim of a 10 year old. I would never even entertain staying at home as an option in your situation. Giving a 10 year old that much control NEVER ends well.

I know you will all say it's a Dh problem. And it would be easy for me to say that too. But we are a team and I don't feel able or want to nacho like that
I get this, but ultimately I think you need to realise that you don't have the power here. He can take her to court, he can tell her to piss off with her demands, he can shield you from her ranting and raving.
You can only decide why you will or will not tolerate for yourself.
Your DH has decided to tolerate, let's face it, a bit of a shitty mother for his children and all the blow back from her shitty decisions.
You can decide to say "no, this is my life too and I have plans, I won't be dictated to by a stroppy ten year old" etc etc and push it back to DH. Then hopefully he will reach the limit of what he will tolerate and actually do something about this shit show.

Back to court. As it was the mum who moved away the court should have made it clear that she takes responsibility to get the boys to their dad's. Or at the very least does 50%.

Go back to court. A midweek when so far away is ridiculous for everyone.

Have a think about what would work and is reasonable for everyone involved and stop letting yourselves be a doormat for this controlling woman. I know it's is easier said than done as the fear is real about not seeing the kids but this is absolutely not sustainable.

Has anyone asked the boys what they want?

The house said they wanted the current routine during court proceedings. However that was before the travelling and also before their Mum got in their ears. They will now say whatever she wants them to say.
The mid week travel is a nightmare. But the alternative is that dh loses touch even more with the boys and that doesn't seem right either. If mum would agree to more holidays with us then we would consider it, but she won't.
In about a year and a half when both my DD's are done with school we will probably have to move nearer the boys. If we gave up the midweeks now I don't think we would ever get them back unfortunately.

The *boys. Not the house. The house can't speak.

DSS2 needs to go with DH to football or DSS1 needs to give up football so DH is around at home. I would not be letting him dictate and stay at home on play station. What about your poor daughters? I would be putting them first.

I think you should have kept your Chinese new year plans - even if you weren't a blended family sometimes children need to fit around each other's plans and it was important to your DD. DH could have either taken him to football, skipped football or found someone else to have him. I'm saying this as someone who has children who need a lot of downtime and routine and predictability - juggling needs is hard but all the children need to feel they're a priority, not just the challenging one.

Why didn’t you ask the judge to make an order that detailed who was responsible for pick ups and drop offs?

In fairness dd wasn't massively bothered. She didn't get in til 3.15 am (she is 18 and had been out to a silent disco-then was ferrying drunk friends home which she hadn't planned on but was necessary -she doesn't drink) and so was knackered.
I think by the end of the court case dh was in bits. He was so relieved they had thrown out her plan of him barely seeing the boys that he agreed to the travel without really knowing what it would entail. We had neither of us ever been where she moved to and on paper it's a 48 minute drive. But that doesn't take into account traffic which is awful especially by the time we are on the way back, 5 years of huge roadworks on the only route we can take, two separate school drops offs since the boys couldn't get into the same primary initially and now because DSS 1 is year 7 so at secondary, weather, etc etc. The judge also wasn't to know all that.
Plus we could afford for me to be part time then which made the whole thing easier, if still testing. Mortgage increase means that's no longer possible.

If we skip football for either DSS they panic they are ruining their 'football careers' and we get endless shit emails from Mum about how selfish we are.

This