Step daughter | Mumsnet

redvelvet77 · 2024-02-10T08:22:15+00:00

My BF's 15 yr old daughter doesn't like me and I am taking it very personally. At advice please?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

SKG231 · 10/02/2024 09:06

you haven’t given many details about when her parents split, when you met her dad, do you live with her etc?

But being generic, She’s 15, at that age I hated everybody. She’s full of hormones, is from a broken home and is having to adjust to a stranger living with her (potentially)

She could be battling all sorts in her personal life (eating disorders, bullying, toxic boyfriends etc) and you are the easiest person to direct her hate at.

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 09:07

How long have you known your boyfriend?
How long have you known his daughter?
Maybe she just doesn't like you - that's ok.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:17

She used to like me but has changed her view.

Her parents split 4 yrs ago. Mum quickly moved her bf in, apparently he's lovely!

I've been with my bf 2 years.

Just wanted some advice how to navigate things? Currently now we are doing things separate due to her views. To me it's all very dramatised and causing hurt to myself and my bf and all she says is she doesn't like me.

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Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:19

We don't live together

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Popetthetreehugger · 10/02/2024 09:27

She probably needs to prove to herself that she’s the most important person in her dads life . Don’t take it personally. I wish I could say she will grow out of it … but that depends on her personality. She very well may , and if he’s worth it to you , sit it out . But there’s a chance that if life doesn’t go as planned for her , she will double down . So is he worth the gamble ? Only you can tell . 💐

SKG231 · 10/02/2024 09:36

Make sure her dad is spending enough one on one time with her.

get him to speak to her about anything that’s going on in her life to have bought on this sudden change.

don’t take it personally, she’s an hormonal teenager and it’s easier for her to direct her anger at you a person she’s less attached to than her own parents.

give her space and don’t push your relationship with her but let her know there aren’t any hard feelings from your side. Write birthday cards etc and give her time.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:37

So hard not to take it personally when I've not done anything wrong. Not seen her now for 6 months!
The longer it goes on the more I don't like her. It's sad as I used to like her.
I see her as very manipulative, always asking for money, for her dad to buy her things, take her places etc.
V different to my parenting!

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jolies1 · 10/02/2024 09:38

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:17

She used to like me but has changed her view.

Her parents split 4 yrs ago. Mum quickly moved her bf in, apparently he's lovely!

I've been with my bf 2 years.

Just wanted some advice how to navigate things? Currently now we are doing things separate due to her views. To me it's all very dramatised and causing hurt to myself and my bf and all she says is she doesn't like me.

Remember she is 15. What were you like at 15?

I definitely had periods where I hated everyone and was difficult to live with.

Its hurtful but it will likely pass if you got on before and she’s not carrying deep resentment for how you and her dad got together. Maybe hold off on moving in till she’s past the worst of the hormonal teen stage (by 17 most are much better!)

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:39

I get I need to give her time.

Wished her a merry Xmas text which was ignored.

Dad spends loads of one on one time with her. She is his priority. Takes her on holidays etc.

Not sure apart from time what else I can do and I find it frustrating

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Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:40

No plans to live together until she's 18!

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housefacelift24 · 10/02/2024 09:42

It's her age. Being 15 is awful and she will see you as direct competitor to her dad's attention. The step dad is a totally different kettle of fish not comparable.

It's not personal. Keep repeating it and be ready to accept her when she comes around, ignoring her prior behaviour.

If she decides to give you a chance ( and it's on her terms in a situation like this), if you give her a hard time for 'ignoring you' it will probably be the final nail.

Source- experience on both sides.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 09:44

Do you really want all this drama and bullshit in your life? Don't you have your own kids to spend all this mental and emotional energy on? A future spent with a man whose daughter hates you? It would be a very hard pass from me.

housefacelift24 · 10/02/2024 09:45

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:39

I get I need to give her time.

Wished her a merry Xmas text which was ignored.

Dad spends loads of one on one time with her. She is his priority. Takes her on holidays etc.

Not sure apart from time what else I can do and I find it frustrating

Keep sending the messages like merry Christmas and happy birthday. She will notice if you stop and probably likes it but won't admit it.

If you haven't done anything to cause her angst as you say (you didn't steal her dad from her mum thank goodness) this isn't about you at all it's about her reaction to the split

housefacelift24 · 10/02/2024 09:46

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 09:44

Do you really want all this drama and bullshit in your life? Don't you have your own kids to spend all this mental and emotional energy on? A future spent with a man whose daughter hates you? It would be a very hard pass from me.

Of course everything I say assumes you want to peruse your r ship with the dad. If it's worth it, if it's not, as this poster says don't waste your efforts. It will be a long road

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:58

Yes I'd like to carry our relationship on.

Just tricky now navigating this situation and worry it'll come between us.

When he's with her nothing about me wants to ask about her.

I have children similar ages and I'd be mortified if they acted this way towards him for no reason.

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/02/2024 11:32

Just take a massive step back and leave him to his relationship with his daughter. If you don't live together I don't see why you have to be involved.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 10/02/2024 11:39

redvelvet77 · 10/02/2024 09:37

So hard not to take it personally when I've not done anything wrong. Not seen her now for 6 months!
The longer it goes on the more I don't like her. It's sad as I used to like her.
I see her as very manipulative, always asking for money, for her dad to buy her things, take her places etc.
V different to my parenting!

She's not manipulative by asking her dad for stuff, she's a normal 15yo.

Maybe you weren't keeping your feelings under wraps as much as you thought you were and she picked up on it.

This isn't magically going to change, I would probably cut my losses here, if you move in when she's 18 she is still going to be a fixture in your life to some degree, and if she doesn't want to visit then he will need to go to her, which will cause issues with you by the sounds of it.

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 11:48

Just take it slowly. Or give up and find someone else. She doesn't have to like you.

Tempnamechng · 10/02/2024 12:05

It might just be that you never get on, but for now she is seeing you as competition for her dad's affections. It's irrational, of course, but that's teenagers. His contact with her must be with her alone. Your dp sounds like he does a lot to assure her to be fair, but he also needs to be firm with her that he is an adult and is allowed a relationship with you, its his choice, not hers, and she must at least be polite. If he isn't doing that I would see it as a bit of a red flag. Be careful about 18 being the age you will plan to move in together. Not many 18yos are independent from their parents.

InAPickle12345 · 10/02/2024 13:22

It's been 2 years and she hasn't spoke to you in 6months, she just doesn't like you. Not everyone likes everyone, that's just the way life is. Taking it personally is only hurting yourself, guaranteed she's not giving you any of her headspace.

If you have no intention of living together until after she turns 18, then just keep dating your BF the way you are, keeping things separate. It's not that big a deal.

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2024 20:36

I think you should avoid her too. There not much you can do in this situation.

I would avoid the drama if possible and just avoid her until she more reasonable, which maybe never

Josette77 · 10/02/2024 20:57

She's still young and likely needs to feel prioritized.

You.clearly don't like her too, so it's probably not going to be a healthy relationship.

I would move on and find someone whose parenting is more in sync with your own .

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 11/02/2024 17:33

I do like her and 100% will give her space and all the time with her Dad.

I just get frustrated sometimes as know I've done nothing wrong!

I will just give it time.

Thank you for all your comments.

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sprigatito · 11/02/2024 17:37

She isn't your stepdaughter though, is she? You're her dad's girlfriend who doesn't even live with him. She doesn't have to like or accept you. Her father needs to manage his time and his life so that he sees you when he isn't responsible for her.

Coyoacan · 11/02/2024 17:38

In Mexico we say that you are not a little gold coin for everyone to love you