My Stepmum

[bellz89]

Would appreciate the input from any stepparents or parents here. For context, I'm an 18 yr old girl and have a new 39 yr old stepmum (parents been divorced since I was 5. both still get on really well as co-parents. no hatred or anything like that). My last stepmum (who I met when I was 6) was amazing, completely lovely - it was my mum that introduced her to my dad as she wanted him to be happy after the divorce. Still see ex-stepmum 2-3 times a week - she's my mum's best friend. Everything always was lovely.

However struggling to adapt to new stepmum (known her since I was 16 - they got married 2 months ago). She was perfectly polite when we first met and she has two daughters who are roughly the same age as me so thought this would work out well. I currently visit dad and stepmum every Tuesday after school and on Sunday afternoons. She made it clear to me that she didn't want to look after me and wasn't responsible for me - I never asked her to be. She's hostile and unfriendly to me and makes comments about me being inadequate to stepsisters. I never respond and am always polite to her. We had our first big argument on Tuesday

I was hungry (Dad was on a work call and stepsisters out) and decided to heat up some Garlic Bread in the Oven. She was watching TV and I asked her if she'd come and show me how to work it - it's different to mine. She immediately flipped and told me that she wasn't my mum, wasn't my servant and that if I spoke to her like that again then I wouldn't be able to come round anymore (they live in her house). I went home 20 minutes after that because she was furious

AIBU to feel disgusted by her attitude and should I mention it to mum? I certainly don't expect her to be my 'servant' and would appreciate it if she was at least kind and pleasant to me.

this sounds very unsettling for you.

Yes you should mention this to your Mum.

I would also think about telling your Dad too. talk through with your Mum how he is likely to react. If things are so tense at his, you could suggest you and he meet out somewhere for a meal each week

She shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, I would try to avoid being alone with her and try to only be round her when your dad is around so he can start picking up on what sounds like a nasty attitude towards you.

What do you think your dads reaction would be if you spoke to him about it? It may make things worse at this stage to bring it up so you may be better off confiding in your mum or previous step mum for the time being.

You sound lovely with a mature head on your shoulders, I hope things improve for you 💐

Mention it to your mum if you need to talk about it, or want some advice. But don't mention it expecting her to get involved and sort it out.

That's a conversation for you and your dad.

Of course you can mention it to your mum but the person you should really be talking to is your dad. If he still wants you to visit then he needs to ensure his home is a nice environment for you. You're an adult now so there's no obligation to following a parenting schedule or anything. If your dad's new wife is making you feel unwelcome then you don't have to go there but I think your dad deserves the right to know why and given the opportunity to rectify things.

Your new stepmum is right in the sense that she's not your mum and has no responsibility for you but there's absolutely no need for the animosity. I met my 2 oldest stepkids when they were 13 and 14. I never tried to be their parent as my DH was more than capable of parenting them although he does still discuss things with me and come to me for advice. Plus I didn't think 2 teenagers would appreciate some new person coming in and telling them what to do. I have always done my best to make them feel welcome though. I bake them cakes on their birthday, help them write CVs and apply for jobs, teach them how to cook, show them how to work the washing machine, pick up little treats for them if I'm out.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it must be really upsetting. You mentioned knowing her since you were 16 - was she always hostile?

I can’t imagine speaking to my husbands children like this, even when they drive me absolutely mad I just couldn’t, and to stay furious for 20 minutes! Seems hugely disproportionate.

did dad not get in touch after to find out where you were? If someone came to visit me, I popped onto a work call & they were gone before I’d finished I’d be concerned enough to reach out & find out why.

definitely mention to both of your parents, you need support from mum (I’m not suggesting her involvement, just emotional support) and dad shouldn’t be allowed to bury his head in the sand. There’s a problem with his wife, affecting his child, if by some miracle he’s not aware, then he needs to be.

it’s very unkind too to openly compare you to her own children, that’s really mean.

I would avoid being alone with your SM from now on.

I expect that your stepmum will deny it if you tell your dad.

You need to keep one step ahead of people like her and try to anticipate her next move...she's sneaky and she clearly resents you.

She would never have said that in front of your dad.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Unfortuantly, she's created more problems for us tonight. My parents were taking me out for a meal tonight (for my birthday which was a week ago). Decided not to mention the fight about the Oven today as didn't want her to wreck my birthday celebrations but think my Dad might now be aware of her attitude.

Normally (although parents have been divorced 13 years now) we will make an effort to do things as a family - I know that I'm lucky to have parents who are on really good terms with each other. Ex stepmum was also meant to be coming but felt ill so didn't. However, new stepmum kicked up a fuss about this meal and has apparently accused my parents of 'having an affair'. I know this is categorically untrue. They definitely have no feelings left for each other and never will and I don't appreciate her calling my mum a 'lying flirt'. Don't think my Dad is happy with her over this behaviour and I think she's a terrible stepmum for doing this. Haven't told my mum about this text - my Dad asked me not to because it would most likely upset her. She has said similar things to half-brother about his mum (who has a new partner since she divorced our dad)

However, understand it is probably a bit weird for her that my dad is still on good terms with both of his ex-wives - ultimately it's so that me and half-brother (my ex stepmum/dad's son) have a happy family life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Kinda thinking it's best if I just see Dad without Stepmum. My mum is always happy to let him come round her house and he gets on well enough my mum's current partner (would not yet call him stepdad) so no problems there. But wish he didn't have to be caught in the middle between me and his wife/his stepdaughters. I've told him that I'd like to go to a coffee shop tomorrow to avoid her and her daughters (they can be a bit bitchy on occasions)

Op what a kind daughter you are x you are more mature than your stepmom x agree just enjoy yr time with yr Dad.

You poor love. I just wanted to say that I think you're dealing with this so maturely and your family (apart from new SM) sounds really lovely.

She should have shown you how to use the oven, of course! And she obviously has insecurity issues, hence the blow up at your birthday meal. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Other posters are right - perhaps try and see your dad without her around. I'd definitely talk to your dad about it too. He's likely noticed this behaviour too/thinks it's highly unacceptable.

You're attitude is spot on and likely built by the supportive and mature decisions all your parental figures have modelled. Still doesn't stop this being a shit situation for you to experience. I'm sorry.

Your new stepmum sounds like a dickhead. I really hope your dad steps up. My dad didn't and we hardly talk now (it's been over 25 years since she started being a twat). He never took my side or listened. And has missed out on his grandkids (and her children barely speak to her).

Meanwhile my step dad sees the kids every week and has been a very positive presence in everyone's life.

This isn't your problem to fix. It's your dads. I really hope he comes through for you.

Was your dad's current wife (and her daughters) invited to your birthday dinner, or was it just you and your dad's first two ex-wives? Because I think he's a bit naive if he thinks this wouldn't bother her. Especially as his first two wives are best friends.

It's a lovely set up for you, your half brother, and the three adults already involved. I'm just not sure that it was fair of him to bring another woman into it so wholeheartedly as to marry her, and quite quickly too. Did he leave his previous home to your ex stepmum?

As pp says - this is your dad's problem to fix, not yours, but if I were you I wouldn't return to her home and I'd continue to meet your dad elsewhere. He sounds quite laid back, but he's going to have to deal with this.

It's a shame you have to be so measured and understanding all the time, but you are where you are. Might you be happier if you stop going to stay, and instead maintain your close relationship with your dad off, so to speak, her territory? As you've suggested, go out with your dad, invite him to your house, possibly go on holidays with him.

Let him invite you out with his wife and stepdaughters and to their house for specific events such as meals that he cooks so that you can maintain an acquaintanceship with his family, hopefully building a relationship over time.

Your stepmum sounds as if she is behaving really badly, but if she might be around forever, your long-term happiness in your relationship with your father is tied up with helping her climb down off the high point of tension she's created for herself. This absolutely shouldn't have to be your job, but it sounds as if you are unusually mature and might be up to it.

Being a step-parent is hard and easy to get wrong, and it sounds as if she's made a tit of herself early on - her insecurities are bubbling up all over the place. It's probably more about her relationship with your dad than anything to do with you. Not that it's an excuse.

One of the wisest pieces of advice I've been given in my life is that if you don't understand someone's behaviour, there's probably something you don't know. There might be something going on behind the scenes that is making her brittle and scratchy.

Being the generous one is a tough position, but pays off in the long run.

Tbf, your dad seems to be creating the tension regards his various wives.
All sounds very enmeshed and his current wife is likely uncomfortable with it all, she has wrongly lashed out at you.

I agree. It's nice that they get on, but there has to be a bit of a boundary, I imagine your SM is feeling a bit threatened and taking it out on you which is really unfair

I'm a step mum, though I hate that title, I'm not their mum, I'm their dad's partner
In the same way he isn't my kids dad, they have a dad
If I behaved like that I wouldn't see him for dust
Kids of any age ALWAYS come

Talk to your dad x

She may well feel threatened but that’s something she needs to have out with your dad. You don’t seem to have been anything other than pleasant and polite, based on the information you have provided.

It can’t have come as a surprise to her that he has two children with two different ex wives, or that given your ages and historic amicable relationships with said ex wives that that would continue post their marriage.

You come across in your posts as a perceptive and mature young adult. Speak to your dad about how you have been spoken to by your new stepmum, how it has made you feel.

>>Being the generous one is a tough position, but pays off in the long run.

Actually, sometimes it results in a lifelong pattern of older adults expecting you to enable and overlook their bad behavior. Then shifting blame for their immaturity onto you when you try to call it out.

Don’t be too “generous.” Trust me on this one. It took decades of therapy for me to fix this situation for me. Don’t let yourself be put into the role of the one who turns a blind eye and “understands”. You’ll be a doormat before you know it. And once the is a scapegoat/doormat, no one wants to let them go.

I hope your dad steps up to fix this for you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t respect or value you as he should, and you need to keep in mind the problem is HIM. (As well as your step mother who sounds like a person to keep a polite distance from).

Good luck. I am thinking about you. Please keep your self esteem intact as these “adults” fix their problems.

I would also add, talking to your dad about the oven situation is a litmus test. If you bring it up privately, factually, and in a mature manner (which sounds like you all around), and he reacts with a knee-jerk defense of your step mother casting you as the bad party, you have a tough road ahead.

Just remember if that happens, to keep your self esteem and sense of how you deserve to be treated (fairly) intact. Talk to other adults who can help you maintain perspective of what is fair to you (when the adults who should be caring for you are throwing you in the fire in an attempt to satisfy the person causing the biggest and most unpleasant fuss). Hopefully that will not be the outcome.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this. She sounds truly horrible.

It’s interesting that your dad managed to pick three decent women (your mum, his other ex wife and your first stepmum) and then really screwed up choosing this current one.

I’d never set foot in her house again and be honest if asked why. Hopefully she won’t last long. I hope your half brother doesn’t with her!

Wow she sounds a pain! So sorry!! I had a step-mum like this. Took her till I was 11 to get used to me (4 years) and then she stopped snapping. She’s probably can’t be bothered to run the microwave. Absolutely not your fault you don’t know!! We’re human it’s common for someone not to know something!