Struggling with teenage SS

[Bluewhiteflower]

SS is 13. Been in his life since he was 4 (not ow). He’s always been a bit challenging. I think it’s because he’s his parents ‘golden’ child and it feels they have him on a bit of a pedestal. So he’s very much of the mindset that the whole household revolves around him.

As SS has got older he has started to push boundaries and I’ve found his behaviour incredibly difficult. He has next to no respect for me and speaks to me with a tone that makes me feel quite sad and uneasy at the same time. There have been some odd occasions where I have been a little scared of him.

my oh and his ex have a very hostile relationship and ss’s mum has always said that he doesn’t have to listen to me as I’m not his mum. If I ever tell him off, which often I need to do as he lives with us 50/50, he will tell his mum and she will get abusive to my oh who in turn can get arsy with me. I often feel like my hands are tied.

i do get that a lot of his behaviour is due to his age and hormones but he is so much worse with me, than his dad. I do think that a lot of why we find ourselves in this situation is because my oh seems uncomfortable telling his dc off in case he loses his kids to his ex. I also find this causes friction as I get frustrated that my oh doesn’t do anything about it.

When my oh isn’t around though his behaviour is even different and he is a dream and we get on brilliantly and I enjoy his company! I just don’t get it.

by contrast I have another SC who is the kindest sweetest child ever (11) and whilst he has his odd moments, is a completely different child.

I think you need to speak to OH and make it very clear that you are not prepared to have someone in your home 50% of the time who has you walking on eggshells. This would be a deal breaker for me, that someone speaks to me with no respect and makes me anxious or afraid. I'm not sharing my home with an abusive male - even if they are 13.

I'd be telling OH that we drew up some very clear rules about respect and speaking politely to people or I'd be looking for somewhere else to live. I understand that this is his son, and he's worried about mother's reaction - but I couldn't live like that.

You're in this situation because of your OH. He is the problem here.

If your SS feels like the household revolves around him it's because your OH has made him feel like it does.

The ex is irrelevant. You can't control what she says or does and I can't believe you're OH has allowed her to impact your household for so long. My SKs mum is a nightmare but my OH has strong boundaries with her which means she has very little impact on our household. If she tried to kick off about anything she gets ignored and if she's persistent she finds herself blocked.

Your SS is a teenager and I assume has his own phone. There's no need for your OH to be in touch with his ex. Surely he can make arrangements directly with SS.

What is your OH doing about the way he speaks to you? Because I know if one of my DHs sons spoke to me in any kind of disrespectful tone he would go through them like a dose of salts.

Exactly. He's prioritising the ex's feelings over OPs. It's ok for OP to feel unhappy and uneasy in her own home but god forbid we upset the ex. Why is this scenario so common? Why can't men see that their new partner should be the priority always. Fuck how the ex feels!

My oh is so scared of losing his dc to his ex that he has such little boundaries. About 2 months ago I lost my temper at my oh in front of SS as my oh didn’t tell him off for how he spoke to me. It meant the following weekend my SS didn’t want to come to our home. meaning I felt a lot of guilt.

i have said to my oh that he can’t let his ds speak to me like that. But when I say things like that he will come back with a tit for tat response that causes more friction!

He doesn’t nothing. I don’t think he has my back. I’ve said that if we put on a united front his SS will know that his behaviour won’t be tolerated.

Honestly, I'd just walk away. I couldn't live like that where my OH doesn't have my back and allows me to be treated like shit. He has zero respect for you and that's not going to change and the SSs behaviour will only escalate as he gets older.

I think you need to be prepared to leave if your DH can't step up and enforce boundaries - you shouldn't have to be afraid in your own home. I do also think you need to pick your battles; your DSS is heading into the teenage years and there will be some rude, surly and volatile behaviour; what matters is how your DH handles it, and clearly he needs to up his game.

I think leaving is your nuclear deterrent here, because realistically you can't expect your DH to choose you over his child. I disagree with the pp who said your DH should always be putting his new partner first. He should be putting his kids first (which includes actually parenting them into decent people, not caving in for a quiet life). I think you should be prepared for the possibility that he isn't going to change his approach, and if he doesn't, your only real option is to leave.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Someone else’s children really are a thankless task at times!

it’s really, really not ok for you to feel intimidated by someone in your home 50% of the time. & he’s only going to get bigger! It’s a bit strange that he’s pleasant when your DH ISN’T around. Is there a sense that DH is the boss / macho figure in the home & SS is behaving like this in the strange belief that this will impress his dad? Please don’t think I’m suggesting anything horrible about your DH but it’s really strange that he’s openly disrespectful in front of his dad, who if he’s not reprimanding him SS may interpret as backing him up. 13 is a strange age for boys & he probably doesn’t understand that dad is holding his tongue because he’s worried about what mum will say /do rather than approving of this misogynistic crap.

Do you have any idea what he’s like toward his mum? Does mum have a DP who he may be taking pointers from in how to treat women?

We've gone weeks and months of not seeing my SSs because they didn't like the rules in our house but my DH wasn't going to start pandering to them. He actually said to my SS "these are the expectations in this house and if you don't like it you can go to your mum's". Guess who now lives with us full time and barely sees his mum. Guess who does his own washing and the dishwasher twice a day without being asked or complaining.

Your OH is his father not his friend. He has really let his son down by failing to parent him properly and allowing him to be the self-centred disrespectful teen he now is. It is not our job to be liked by our children, it's our job to raise them to be good an respectful adult. Your OH has failed on this front and it's going to be very difficult to change it now.

My DHs ex had very little boundaries in her house, no routines. My 6yo DSD is a little angel in our house. The last time she had a tantrum with us was when she was 3 yet her mum has frequently called my DH for help with her. SS says she cries all the time and throws tantrums at her mum's. Children have more respect for parents who act like parents than those who act like friends.

My brother is 35 and still yo-yoing back to my parents house. You could potentially have 22 years of this.....

You can put your kids first without allowing the to treat your partner like crap. But it's not even that he's putting his kid first, he's putting himself first because be can't be arsed with the grief from his ex, he's putting his ex before his partner because he cares more about how she feels than how his partner feels. OP is the very bottom of the pile here which isn't right.

It sounds like the person coming first in all of this is OPs partner. Anything for an easy life, anything to get out of actually parenting. The kid has been badly let down by his dad here.

First post nails it. But you’ve tried speaking to DP and he’s told/shown you that he’s not prepared to step up for you. I’m sorry OP, but there is not much point in staying with someone who feels this way.

The fact that you and DSS get on great when your DP isn’t around is interesting. It tells you that DSS doesn’t see you as the enemy and is perfectly capable of being respectful towards you - he is just choosing not to at other times. I think that’s harder to swallow.

Im not a fan of ultimatums but I wouldn’t be staying with someone who allowed me to feel sad, disrespected and afraid in my own home. You deserve better.

Great post by @Illpickthatup This is what it should look like.

Can you not just dump your boyfriend? It doesn’t sound like he enhances your life, or is enjoyable or fun, which are the only reasons to be in a relationship.

If you really need to stay living with your crappy bloke, don’t parent his kids for him, but he’s such a shit parent you know your future is just more of the same.

The thing that jumps out at me is that you say you are sometimes afraid of him ? Indicates to me he must be pretty threatening . Does your OH know that ? If he does and isn’t supporting you you need to go .

In your situation, I would try and talk to SS when he's alone with you, as you say he's a dream when his dad isn't there.

It's like he's trying to get a reaction.

If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then I'd not interact with him, beyond civilities.

This.

I don’t live with my OH, who has his kids 50-50, because his older child is extremely challenging and treats everyone including both his parents like dirt. He has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). Your SS sounds similar if maybe a milder version.

Eg the other day I offered my OH’s kid a snack I’d bought for all our children (I have kids too) from my bag. OH’s younger child said thank you. The ODD one screamed in my ear for not bringing him something he (alone) would have preferred. My OH did nothing but because of the ODD you can’t get into every single thing with him. It escalates too fast. The OH does very strict rules and consequences for hitting and lying and stealing and before he started those rules the child would’ve hit for having to compromise on a snack. He started the rules mainly because I said I couldn’t stay with him if he didn’t deal with that child properly. It wasn’t an ultimatum but I just would’ve lost respect for my OH and fallen out of love with him.

Like you OP there’s an ex wife who caters to this child’s every wish. If he wants to play video games all day munching through giant bags of sweets, she gives him the unlimited screen time and the sweets. She’s scared of him I believe.

I see why your OH doesn’t want to be too strict. I am pretty sure that if nothing changes my OH will ‘lose’ his ODD kid to mum as soon as he has a key and can travel independently because all he thinks about is what he can get away with and his games and snacks.

But you may not want to wait around hoping for this outcome. If you feel you are going to be unsafe then honour that feeling and leave. If your OH is a good person then he will accept a living apart together relationship, like mine has.
If he’s very dependent on you for childcare and housework and money he may step up his parenting.

We’re powerless with kids that our not our own unless their parents sort them out. The only choice we have is to detach.