Struggling like mad

[lespameo]

Hey, I've been a silent observer for many years but only signed up today as I'm at my wits end and I could really do with some advice....
Sorry in advance for the long post!
Summary of my situation...
Been with my partner for 4.5 years and we each have 2 children. all 4 are close in age (9,8,8,7). My partners ex is erratic and has been since they split up 5.5 years ago e.g. moving around constantly resulting in the kids going to various schools, social services involvement due to her erratic behaviour and domestic violence claims relating to her new partner with whom she's had 2 more children.
In June 22, my partner had enough and went to court to get a specific issue order in place to stop her from moving the kids schools again. (4 schools in 4 years). She didn't attend court on 3 out of the 4 dates, and the judge gave us the order based on the evidence provided and confirmed that the children weren't allowed to visit her address whilst her partner was there due to his previous convictions and SS involvement. This resulted in her choosing her partner over the kids, and they didn't see her for several months... they've lived with us full time since April 23. She said she would have them ad hoc during April-Oct, building up the kids hopes then would back out at the 11th hour which resulted in tears and upset for days after, and I had to try mop up the mess and be there for the kids. She's never paid a penny towards their upkeep. She has accused me of all sorts over the years via text to my partner even though I've done nothing wrong and kept totally out of it all. I know she's jealous of me and my life. She's even text my partner to say if I ever try talk to her, she'll call the police (on what grounds, I have no idea but she's not all there in the head).
I
Fast forward to Oct 23, and she's split up from her partner (apparently) and demands to see the kids again. My partner agrees to fortnightly overnight to see how she gets on. Since then, she has bailed more times than I can count. Refusing to drive, giving us excuses like illness, can't walk, no money, no car, no petrol etc. I am at the end of my tether. I think my partner should give her an ultimatum as it's damaging the kids mental health so much! But he says that arguing with her is a waste of time and he doesn't seem as concerned about their mental health as much as me.

I feel like my 2 options are to either just keep quiet, and put up with this misery constantly - never able to plan anything as can't predict when she'll have them/ won't have them, and pick up the pieces with the kids. Or I leave, which I don't want to do as I love my partner but I honestly don't think I can put up with this life style anymore. It's not fair on me and my two children!

Any advice welcome! Thanks in advance xx

Oh wow that's really shit, what an awful mum.

I guess it's hard as it's not in your control really, but I'd be tempted to speak to your DP about not telling the children when she's due to have them if she keeps letting them down? And plan as if they will always be around, even if it turns out at the last minute they won't be.

That's a really hard situation for you to manage though OP, I hope you and your kids are ok.

My situation has some similarities to yours and really the crux of it is that if your DP isn’t going to be more boundaried than nothing will change.
How the ex acts is out of your control but your DP needs to do more in this situation; I don’t mean completely cut contact but say to her before she sees the kids again she needs to commit to weekly video calls for example and don’t let her have overnights, let her have them for an afternoon but don’t tell the kids until it’s completely confirmed (on the day). If she still isn’t consistent then yes stop contact until she can commit to being consistent

This is great advice.

Going from not seeing them for months to regular overnights might be too much for a jump for her.

Start with weekly face times. If she manages that for say 2-3 months without missing any then offer her fortnightly day visits and gradually progress to overnights. Facetimes can be done regardless of money situation and even if you're sick so she has no excuse really if she fails to stick to those.

If she isn't consistent I'd stop contact. Let her take you to court if she wants access.

How do the kids feel about her? Do they even want to see her?

At the moment, he just lets them speak to her whenever the kids / she wants. I don't think that's healthy because if she's spoken with them twice in the week, it gives her a reason to cancel on them at the weekend. It's awful. I wish I could go round and have it out face to face but know that it'll get me nowhere (and I might be arrested if she actually follows through with her threat!). Never hated someone so much in my life and I hate the fact she makes me feel this way!

I have found that assuming the person is not going to show up is what has worked out the best for us:

• Set up a pick up/drop off time away from the house (park, play area, coffee shop)
• Set a time for exchange (like 10 am to 10:15) and put it in paper that if she doesn’t show up within that time frame (whatever the reasons) contact for that occasion would be cancelled and you will go on with your day.
• you don’t tell the children when contact is supposed to take place so if she shows up it is a nice surprise, if she doesn’t, they don’t get disappointed. If they ask you when they will see her you just tell them the truth: you-don’t-know.
• When it comes to child maintenance, consider if all this aggravation is worth the amount she should be paying. If not significant, forget about it, your peace of mind and mental heath is worth more.

IMPORTANT NOTE:

• Make sure your partner is on board with the above, if he prefers to keep bending backwards and upsetting the 4 kids and you to accommodate her flakiness, he is the problem, not her.
• In that case you would be much better off moving out and seeing him only on alternate weekends where the plan of the day won’t be disrupted by his ex. This may be working much better for all the kids as, even if she doesn’t show up, you and your partner get a day on your own with your own children, which will strengthen your bond to them and ensure they have their own space alone with their own parent.
• If none of the above appeals, you and your kids might be better off ending the relationship and stepping away of this drama.

It’s incredibly painful watching children that you love and care for being hurt by one of the people who is supposed to put them first. However we can all make great suggestions but your DP needs to be on board and understand the real impact of this. I’d try to tap into him understanding the impact on them better; see if school or school nurse can help talk to him about it if he doesn’t take it well from you. Sometimes someone on the outside saying it makes someone think more.

Sounds like my DH kids they were removed from the mother and she ditched them for over a yr then came back for 18 months b4 ditching them again. She now thinks she mum of the yr again due to situation in our relationship where due to her neglect my SD has gone off the rails and I can’t cope with her behaviour resulting in my partner moving out with her. Social involvement and section 47 care order on her.
I care a lot for my SD but I can’t deal
with her. I’d say think of u and ur kids life. My girls have suffered I have suffered it’s not easy and I’m hurting like hell. But it’s me time now for a bit till I’m ready to deal with her again

Great posts from @MeMySonAnd1 and @Bkjahshue

Lots of really practical next steps to protect (all) the children.

Agreed
Thanks all for your input.
I discussed with my partner last night and he's agreed with a lot of the points.
He's limiting call time to twice a week and let's see if she turns up on 10/02 to pick them up. We both think that agreeing to meet in a neutral place won't have any positive impact. We don't live far apart, maybe 4 miles? It just adds more to the things we do and the things she doesn't do! We won't set any expectation with the children on next contact date.
Wish things were different. Really hope the children don't suffer with anxiety and abandonment issues in later life.

I would honestly stop telling the kids if they're supposed to be seeing their mum and if she shows up, it's a bonus but don't let them get their hopes up

So an update, 2 months on....

The ex girlfriend from hell has seen her children twice (so a total of 3 times this year). But this was on the basis that my dp drove them there on one of the journeys (4 miles).

Occasion 1- the dsc came back upset. One of them became hysterical later in the day crying that she wants to move schools and be with her younger brother. (Not possible, we have a specific issue order in place stating the children cannot move schools again).

Occasion 2 (last weekend) - partner was text at 8am stating that her violent partner would be arriving soon (breaking the court order in place that means he cannot see the children) so partner went to collect them. Also dp got a load of abuse from her via text as apparently I'm a 'sexual danger' , a 'weirdo' and a 'freak' for having an age appropriate chat with both dp and dsd about the birds and the bees, because dsd had asked as she's learning about it in school this term!

Not sure how much more I can take !! I don't really care about being called names but making out I'm a 'sexual danger' is crossing the line. Any advice or thoughts on how to deal with this? Dp is fuming about it and the fact the violent ex is back on the scene is making him question things. He's suggested once a month visits, but how can we be sure the dc are safe in her care when she's so psychotic about everything else?!

I think for you own safety and your children's you need to be looking at having some distance from the whole situation. Focus on your relationship with your own children. They need stability and a mother wholly focused on their wellbeing. Ask yourself honestly - is this good for them?

My children are in no danger. They've never had to meet her or anything. The only impact on my children is seeing their step siblings being upset from time to time when they say they miss their mum. I must stress that the hysteria was over within 30 mins and there's been none since. I do think most of the time they bottle up their emotions and then have an outburst every now and then. School are not concerned. The dsc mention nothing to school about their relationship with their mum.

If she pursues the 'sexually inappropriate' thing, your children might be investigated themselves by SS. That will be traumatising for them. She certainly sounds capable of it.

This. I get the sense that a lot of the parenting of these kids has been offloaded onto you?

SS will probably have to get involved if violent ex is back on the scene. Maybe supervised visits only , if consistently fails to turn up , maybe DP goes for full custody , no visitations.

My dp says it's just words and if she really thought I was a 'danger' then she would be kicking up a fuss about them living under our roof, full time! I have absolutely nothing to hide. I do take on the parenting role because the dsds need positive female influence in their lives and I love them. The thought of leaving makes me sad, as I love their dad.
I would love nothing more than for her to be a present parent in their lives (physically and emotionally) and be 'normal' but I doubt that will happen. I have no idea why she has so much hatred for me. It's baffling.

It may be just words but those words can have a devastating effect on you and YOUR children. By the way, ss wouldn't remove the sdc back to their mothers, you would be expected to leave while investigations took place if it went that far. Your dp would have to chose between you and his children just like his ex did. She can accuse you of anything if the mood takes her. Your children will sense the atmosphere in the house, there must be one otherwise why post? You said yourself you don't know how much more you can take.
Look, I'm not a step parent but I am a mother. My children come first, always and that is exactly how it should be no ifs or buts. You may love your sdc's but they are not your children, they are your partners. So, if I were you I would be removing me and mine from that house before the ex ups the ante. Now she's mentioned 'sexual danger' that lid is off.
Your focus throughout all this SHOULD be, how is affecting my children? What are the potential effects on my children?
You could still be with your partner and your children could live in a drama and chaos free household. All children deserve this.

@Iaskedyouthrice thanks for your comments. I have a lot to think about...
My children are always my number 1 priority. X

Trust me, you'll drive yourself mental trying to work out how her mind works. Total waste of energy. She doesn't hate you personally, she hates that there's someone else doing a better job at being her kids mother than she is. If your OH got a new partner she'd have exactly the same problem.

My DHs ex has said a few times in messages to him that she has no problem with me and she thinks I'm a nice person and she's glad there's an extra person to love her DD. Yet she threatened me at the school Xmas concern, has screamed abuse at me at my front door, made malicious phone calls about me to the council, badmouths me to the kids, told lies about me, to name but a few things. All I've done wrong is care for her child and most would agree I do a far better job of it than she does.

Rather than improve themselves and look after their kids better it's easier to tear us down.

@Illpickthatup
Sorry you're having to put up with the same sort of crap as me! But thank you for sharing and for your advice. You're totally right... I need to stop wasting energy.