Stepping back from step parenting

[MamaCool24]

Hi all, I'm an over giver. I've been helping my boyfriend parent his daughter. She's 6 and he works full time and she lives with him full time. They stay with me every weekend. Her mother sees her a few times a week after socialworkspeak to her. But I realise I do too much. I've been reading information about stepping back and not getting involved with any conflict between him and his ex, unless he asks me for advice. His ex is highly manipulative and is always looking for conflict. She copied the presents I bought her daughter for Christmas. I didn't mind. I actually felt pity for her for being so pathetic. But it's irritating her constant texts to him, complaining about what he's doing wrong. She's always finding a reason for drama as she's high conflict. I have two teenage children and I'm amicable with their dad. Any advice from you all on how to step back? This is my first post.

Just enjoy dating your boyfriend without dragging any of the kids into it. Do not allow your boyfriend to palm off his kid on to you, she has 2 parents who should be completely fulfilling her needs.
Do your kids ever get to enjoy a weekend in their home without the man and his kid there? Prioritise your kids, and yourself above men, always.
Your boyfriend should not be involving you in his dramas with his ex, decline to get involved. The entire point in being in a relationship is that it's meant to be fun and enhance your life, and it's in your kids best interests.

why are you calling her pathetic? That sounds uncalled for

As above, if you can give yr kids a break from man & kid occasionally that might help you to step back?

Could you do an activity from time to time with yr children out of the house, which won’t involve your man friend and child? Even if it’s just a few hours out somewhere?

He’s on a good wicket if you are taking on a 6yr old every wkend! Maybe he should be doing things with the little one that doesn’t involve you?

Also, don’t tell him everything about gifts you are buying so it cant get back to the ex.

Don’t be too forthcoming with info. about anything (innocuous) you are planning for his girl. That way mum doesn’t get to know as much. Base information of any sort on “need to know” basis, so don’t over share anything.

It’s lovely that you have opened your heart and home to him and his little one. Six year olds can be delightful company. Just use more discretion regarding mostly everything.

Thanks all. He has full custody. So he always has her all the time. I do stuff with my own kids as well and make sure it's not always with them. I have felt sorry for him as he doesn't get a break.

I called her pathetic because as soon as she found out what I was buying, she immediately bought the exact same thing. It would be like me finding out what my own child is getting from my ex's partner and buying it for my child.

Stepping back means handing over the reigns of parenting to your boyfriend. That means that he is the main contact, the main one they come to and he is the one who does the 'job' of parenting - i.e getting their meals, liaising with school on his time, health apts, injuries putting them to bed.

I'm hoping that when the kids stay with you, you mean your boyfriend is present as well? That's the first thing I'd want to look at.

Now you can either make more plans on your own when he has the kids so you're giving him that time and space to do that, or if that feels extreme you can be around but just don't do any of the mummy stuff. You can still have a nice relationship with them, it will just be different. Daddy is the go to parent for big decisions and things they 'need' but you are around to support daddy to look after them....subtle difference. Only you know which option sounds right and appropriate for you, given the amount of time you've been together, how things are with the kids and you etc.

As for dealing with a high conflict ex, if she has social services involved, this is clearly quite complex situation and I would encourage you to try and be as neutral in terms of your comments as possible, as pp has stated, the actions may well be pathetic, but honestly you won't win and friends or get constructive advice on a forum full of mums if you say such things.

Hopefully your boyfriend deals with all communications and leaves you out of having to deal directly with her. Close off your social media if you can, so she can't poke and find out things to compete with you on. You need to make yourself boring in her eyes basically so there is nothing to attack. Remain neutral around the kids and resist the urge to correct things that may be said that feel unfair and untrue. Be positive in your comments to the kids wherever you possibly can, 'that's nice of mummy' for example, but don't feel you have to go overboard doing this, you can just make a sincere comment if it feels natural to do so.

And remember whatever you do, this is about the kids, so even if they say or do something that feels unfair, take a deep breathe and remember it's not their fault, walk away, take a walk, a bath, phone a friend, whatever it takes, but remember none of this is actually about you. High conflict people project a lot and you are a convenient target. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like your boyfriend needs to step up a lot here.

((Also a bit of a tangent - be aware that on this forum you will be criticised if you refer to yourself as a stepmum if you're not married. I know you didn't do this, but there are loads of vultures who lurk on here, so I'm just warning you :D Personally I think this is hypocrisy since loads of people don't even believe in marriage anymore and still have kids, so it you're with someone for like 20 years at what point are you stepmum? but that's a side issue. Just want to get in their before someone less supportive does))

Good luck OP.

There's no need to feel sorry for him, he chose to have a kid, he sees her in the evenings after work and then spends weekends at your house. Sounds like he gets plenty of a break.
Just stop getting involved in parenting his kid, and his dramas, it's not your place, and defeats the whole point in having a boyfriend. Your kids come first, and they should have weekends when your fella and his kid are not there.

I think calling her pathetic is uncalled for.

She is probably threatened by your relationship with her daughter and tried desperately to minimise your relationship with the child. It says more about her insecurities then anything else.

As a step-mum, I would say give them time alone, you spend time with your boyfriend and as his daughter comes as part of the package, with her as well.
I am not sure why you need to get involved with the mothers drama, let you BF deal with it. Enjoy your life.

Thanks OP. He has one child. I have 2 children. It is a complex situation and involved abuse from his ex. Probably why I've stepped in too much.

It's really no-ones business what I decide to call myself. So that's not something I'd be concerned about. But I appreciate the heads up. They'd be an instant block if they decide to police what I call myself. If you can block on here 😄

You can't.🤷🏼‍♀️

You haven't said what you do that is too much? Your DP has her during the week and you live separately so you're not "parenting" her as such. On the weekends, they come to you so I guess you're probably taking the lead on the practical (edited) things? If your DP turns up and promptly abdicates all responsibility, then yes, you're doing too much but that's not really a step parenting issue, it's a useless DP issue.

The mother is clearly not in a good place. I don't think that's your problem though so I wouldn't engage with her. As for your DP and how he engages, that is more complicated. From experience, I know that being supportive, offering an ear, even offering advice can seem like a good thing but becomes a huge weight around your neck. This is especially true when the person is unable to change any of their own responses to the abusive/manipulative person. IN the perfect world, you'd be helping your DP to step back from this woman - grey rock her and engage with her only when it comes to essential things linked to their DD. But it sounds like he gets sucked in and reacts and that causes drama all round?

Yeah, he does grey rock her when she sends 20 texts in a row or becomes abusive in her texts. I just think I need to step back emotionally. Do less 'parenting'. Because courts have been involved and continue to be and social services then he feels stressed and overwhelmed a lot.

I have no involvement with his ex at all. I've told him I don't even want her knowing my name or where I live. She has been arrested multiple times for assault, including assaulting her ex, assaulting my boyfriend, assaulting strangers.

Just to add, our situation is different in that it's a family member who has full custody and the controlling/unstable ex-partner but we have had to step in to support at a practical level with lifts, childcare etc. However, what I have found is that even though she has no ability to stop reacting to him and his behaviour, we don't anymore. He is blocked on all communication with us for a start so we don't have to be the recipients of his tirades. We are supportive of her in that we offer practical help . Up to a point, we let her talk to us but we are very non committal - we don't offer advice or opinions as it's not worth it. If we disagree or suggest an alternative, she freaks out but we'r not going to agree that her or his behaviour is okay. So we tend to just dish out platitudes like, "ok, I'm glad you're working on that" or whatever.

More irritatingly, we find ourselves taking on the role of discipline when her DC are with us which I don't like. I'm a big believer in "it takes a village" but I shouldn't have to discipline her children when she's sitting right there. I have recently decided I will not be doing it anymore and am dreading the fall out when next time they play up and she's being useless as I will either have to ignore it, or leave.

I just think I need to step back emotionally. Do less 'parenting'.

What does this mean? Because if this little girl relies on you and you've previously been at least something of a mother figure to her, stepping back is just going to confuse and hurt her.

If the issue is that your DP isn't stepping up then yes, stepping back so that he takes on the responsibility is good. But please, if she's used to baking with you or chatting to you or having bedtime stories with you on weekends, please don't take that away?

Yes, ginger, that's something that's been tricky for me too discipline. She's at my house, so I do make her pick something up if she's thrown a tantrum. I feel it's disrespectful and not ok to allow it.

You've said that she sees her mum several times a week after school, but you feel sorry for him doing all the parenting...... if she's at her mums then he's not doing all the parenting? How do your kids feel at having a much younger child there every weekend? If you have no contact with her mum (and that sounds more than reasonable with an aggression history)! Then how does she impact on your life at all, or is it because you have to listen to your partners frustrations? Stepping back means he parents his child, not you. Which it sounds like he does, or do you take over at the weekend? Are your kids there every weekend or do they see their dad? Maybe spending a bit more time with them on weekends, and have your partner over for dinner during the week, would help? And I'm sure your kids would like a some chill weekend time with just you

We actually love baking and bedtime stories. That will continue for sure. I just mean getting less involved unless I'm asked for advice. I offered him a night without her this weekend. So he's pleased. He never has an evening to himself and she can be full on. I've had rows about her coming into our room in the evening, in the morning and so on. But I realise that's not my job.

@MamaCool24 you have no responsibility towards this child, so the parenting should be left to the actual parents.
The child will have picked up on your negative feelings towards their mother, and that's unfortunate. It would be a good idea to step back.

BTW the Reply button on here doesn't work.
If you're responding to someone, you have to click on the three dots and select QUOTE.

She only sees her mum a few hours a week on visits. I spend more time with her. Just to put their parenting situation into perspective. It's not possible to see them during the week. I have my own kids and we do stuff together then. So that's my priority. I have 50/50 time with their father, who they have a great relationship with.

The thing is OP, I don’t think you can emotionally step back because he has full time custody and a high conflict ex is likely to always be high conflict.

You can’t really “not care” but what you can do is not immediately get into “solution” mode when the ex presents an issue, you can stop entertaining long conversations with your partner about it. If there is a pressing situation, sure you can support and give an opinion (if asked) but avoid any ranting or general moaning from him, change the subject, subtly end the conversation. When you find yourself getting wound up over it or investing too much mental energy on the ex and the situation then take yourself off for a walk or distract yourself.

you cannot change the situation (other than breaking up with him) but you can change how you respond and how much energy you give it.

I stay out of the picture and don’t spend any unnecessary time stewing over the never ending bullshit I am faced with as a parent. I’ve accepted that it is what it is and my being emotionally worn down by it does nothing to help, just makes me angry and resentful

You have nailed my situation. Her mother will always be high conflict. She doesn't want a smooth situation. It took me a long time to realise that won't change. It is what it is. I feel sorry for his daughter and him because it will always be high conflict. That's quite draining for everyone. That's why I've got over involved in 'solutions', that just don't work because she has no interest in making it work. I do care about the daughter and we have a good relationship.

Thanks. I didn't know how to reply. I never discuss her mother when she's there. Her mother only sees her a few hours each week, so doesn't do any traditional parenting as such. Just does some play time after social work give the go ahead for the visit.

I think you should stop seeing this as a "parenting" issue that you need to step back from, and swap to thinking of it as no longer enabling your DP. Letting him have a night out - great. No problem and I think that's lovely. Baking and bedtime stories - brilliant, keep doing that. If she is rude to you or in your house, absolutely, pull her up.

BUT, where the problem seems to be is in the fact that your DP is being passive. He wants to talk and rant and agonise over his ex, but that doesn't actually help the situation. It sounds like she is the type who likes the emotion and drama and that feeds her need for emotional reactions so strongly recommend he grey rock her and step back. If he can't, refuse to get further involved in discussing it beyond the basics.

If he's not stepping up and doing the parenting/ practical things for his DD on your weekends together, tell him that he needs to be more proactive. That's not about parenting, it's about being a partner. If there is a persistent, long-term issue with her behaviour -sleep or whatever - then sure, discuss with him what solutions might look like but make it clear you expect HIM to take the lead on those.

Ok, so what I'm getting from what you've posted. Your partner has full custody and they spend time at yours on weekends. The ex is high conflict and bombards him with messages. You've tried to be supportive and provide solutions which either he doesn't take or don't work.

In terms of the ex bombarding him with messages, can he not just block her? If he has to, either set up a separate email account which he only checks intermittently or use a parenting app. How is contact with the mum arranged? It sounds like this is through social work? Is there a set schedule?

If the girl is in your house you absolutely have every right to set rules and expectations. If you DP has a problem with them then he needs to stop bringing her to your house. If he doesn't like any solutions you offer then he needs to stop coming to you with problems.