extended family fuss

fairo · 2024-01-29T19:35:14+00:00

I wasn't sure what to call this sorry! Anyway, I have 2 DSC, mum and dad have been separated over 10 years. I've been with DH for 5+ years and the one thing that I've never quite understood is why the extended family make such a fuss each time there's a family event. So if DSC can't make it it's like it's the end of the world. I know they just want the kids there but they almost try to guilt trip them when they can't as they are with mum. The event (pub meal, visiting an aunt etc) is always then accompanied by "its such a shame dsd couldn't come" and did their mum not want them to see their family etc. Its all too much. How do you handle this?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 29/01/2024 20:39

Hahaha this doesn’t happen round mine. The step kids have zero interest in anything that isn’t revolving around them or their mum. We tend to have all the kids Ont he same weekend so do most things then but we’ve given up trying to encourage them to join in at other times. Very upsetting for my husband - he tries very hard, even if they want to come, their mum usually wouldn’t allow it. This is life though isn’t it.

JustwantacupfT · 29/01/2024 22:54

Yes a bit, but I see it as my husband's role to be the communication bridge between his side of family and our DSD. We normally try and arrange swaps if we know there is a family event which she might not like to miss out on. Unfortunately often these things are arranged last minute which makes it more tricky and to be fair, we can't expect her mum alway to be in a position to swap if not given enough notice. DH has tried to explain this to MiL! Of course it goes both ways, as sometimes her mum requests a swap too and where we can accommodate it we will. Again, husband takes the lead on communicating about all this kind of stuff.

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 30/01/2024 07:36

"they are having quality time with their mum". Rinse and repeat.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/01/2024 09:27

Are the DSC the only Grandchildren?

VinegarTrio · 30/01/2024 10:39

This sort of thing is really unhelpful and it’s particularly bad for the SC.

They have a contact schedule and probably already feel quite enough guilt and obligation around meeting their parents’ expectations for time with them and balancing it with their needs to have their own social life and interests. They don’t need extended family adding to this pressure and piling on the guilt because they didn’t go for lunch with great aunt Millie.

All you can really do is ignore the laments. Your husband probably does need to be firmer with his family and make it clear that his children have a family life with their mother - and that’s very important.

Sapphire387 · 30/01/2024 14:31

I honestly think this falls under 'not your problem'. Leave it to your husband to handle the comments. I mean this kindly.

Original poster

fairo · 30/01/2024 20:58

thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/01/2024 09:27

Are the DSC the only Grandchildren?

No

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Original poster

fairo · 30/01/2024 20:59

VinegarTrio · 30/01/2024 10:39

This sort of thing is really unhelpful and it’s particularly bad for the SC.

They have a contact schedule and probably already feel quite enough guilt and obligation around meeting their parents’ expectations for time with them and balancing it with their needs to have their own social life and interests. They don’t need extended family adding to this pressure and piling on the guilt because they didn’t go for lunch with great aunt Millie.

All you can really do is ignore the laments. Your husband probably does need to be firmer with his family and make it clear that his children have a family life with their mother - and that’s very important.

That's what I'm thinking- it's not fair on the dsc at all who have already had to adapt to having a schedule to see their parents!

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Original poster

fairo · 30/01/2024 21:00

Sapphire387 · 30/01/2024 14:31

I honestly think this falls under 'not your problem'. Leave it to your husband to handle the comments. I mean this kindly.

Fair enough. It's very hard to deal with though. Makes my blood boil.

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sprigatito · 30/01/2024 21:03

It's probably because the ideal/default scenario in their minds is that they see the GC every time they see their DS. Your DH needs to have a word and tell them it's been 10 years, more than enough time for them to accept that DC have two homes and won't be there every time - and the comments are upsetting, so pack it in.

whatthehellnow23 · 30/01/2024 21:36

I suffered with this! When my 3 SC were younger my mother in law and sister in law couldn't function unless his children were present at every event. It was so unrealistic.

To the point where his sister would arrange with mum for them to be here when it wasn't our weekend / time and then surprise us like it was wonderful news!! And I was like well that's great for Saturday afternoon but we have plans Saturday night so are you dropping them back to there mum?? And she would be like oh no they can stay till Sunday with dad they'll love it!

It intensified when we had our son 5 years later... his kids were all mid teens by then and every time we went swimming or to a farm or play centre it was always 'oh but wouldn't the kids likes to have joined, or why couldn't you do that when it's there weekend etc etc

I lost my temper and just stopped telling them stuff we ever did and stopped inviting them. I think DH has a word as it got marginally better after!

It's broken home syndrome they overcompensate needlessly

Pennyforyour · 30/01/2024 23:38

Same. Does my head in!

Original poster

fairo · 01/02/2024 07:14

whatthehellnow23 · 30/01/2024 21:36

I suffered with this! When my 3 SC were younger my mother in law and sister in law couldn't function unless his children were present at every event. It was so unrealistic.

To the point where his sister would arrange with mum for them to be here when it wasn't our weekend / time and then surprise us like it was wonderful news!! And I was like well that's great for Saturday afternoon but we have plans Saturday night so are you dropping them back to there mum?? And she would be like oh no they can stay till Sunday with dad they'll love it!

It intensified when we had our son 5 years later... his kids were all mid teens by then and every time we went swimming or to a farm or play centre it was always 'oh but wouldn't the kids likes to have joined, or why couldn't you do that when it's there weekend etc etc

I lost my temper and just stopped telling them stuff we ever did and stopped inviting them. I think DH has a word as it got marginally better after!

It's broken home syndrome they overcompensate needlessly

That's awful! They shouldn't interfere like that!

I think they just don't "get" it.

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socks1107 · 01/02/2024 08:24

Yes we've had this. Even to the point we're not invited to family events if the step chips is not with us on that date.
Absolutely drove me mad at one point and some family I have a very at arms relationship because of it because I don't see why my invite hinged on a then ten year old being there.