DSC clubs, long distance

[Comeonpigs]

For background:
DSS has only ever known his parents separated and with me as SM.
DSS mum moved 2hrs away when he was very young
Now at school, CO states DSS is with dad EOW and half the school holidays

Those is a similar situation, how did you work clubs, teams, etc.

Suck it up and do a lot of driving
Suck it up and accept he’ll be at mum’s more in order to participate
DSS miss out on dad’s weekend (if clubs will allow)

There are younger siblings at dad’s house that will be involved in clubs when older (hopefully mainly on week nights but weekends can’t always be avoided)

What worked for you and what didn’t?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4990678-weekend-club-what-to-do-in-this-situation

This has been answered in this current thread

Ideally do a lot of the driving, or ask the mum if she can have him more, of course increasing maintenance accordingly

We have my DSD 50:50. We pay for and take her to her hobbies. She misses half of her gymnastics classes because her mum won't take her on her weeks after agreeing to take her when it was initially discussed. She lives 5 minutes away from us. Not much we can do about it. We can't dictate what her mum does on her time so unfortunately DSD just misses out.

We also used to take her to football every Sunday, again agreed with her mum that we would take her. After a year her mum decided that she wanted to take her on her weeks but never did so we ended up just cancelling it since we were already paying for a hobby she only got to attend half the time.

In your situation, if DSS wants to do a particular club it's probably best he does it on mum's time if he's there consistently on that particular day. Of your OH is only seeing him EOWE then it's not really fair for the mum to book things on his time. It also becomes more difficult given the distance involved and the fact that there are other kids to consider. Mum probably should have thought about this before she moved her son 2 hours away from his father.

I don’t think it’s fair to have an increase in maintenance in this situation. The dad wants to have the child but because of a club the child is involved in it makes it very difficult. It’s not because the dad doesn’t want the child.

Didn't you already post this?

The dad has a responsibility to make sure the child doesn’t miss out on their activities. If he doesn’t want to commit to that and the child increases time with mum then maintenance increases, as the child still needs to live during that time. Food, heating and housing still costs money

I thinks time with his father should be prioritised over a club. Definitely more important.

How long distance? Are you posting this twice to try and get different answers?

What sort of club? Do any local friends go to the same club or could something be found between the two parents so each only drives an hour?

My dc missed out on football for years due to matches being on Saturdays and impeding on Dad's time.

I think in your case op the dc should miss the clubs on Dad's weekend. There is likely to be fallout, but that's part of parenting when parents live so far apart.

Sorry, it’s a genuine duplicate thread - I’m not the OP of the similar one posted above.

Do people do this kind of driving for birthday parties too?

May be you can book similar activities near your home so that DSS won't miss out. Hopefully DSS's mum will bring him to the club near you during her weekends?

I never understand why parents decide to live so far away from each other. It just causes issues like this.

Your options are drive a lot, move house, see DSS less or ban him from weekly activities. None of these seem great.

The mum moved two hours away, and signed her child up for a club knowing 50% of the time that he should be at the club, he is supposed to be with his dad, two hours away. Presumably dad didn’t agree to any of this.
So unfortunately for mum, her decisions have consequences.

A good Dad just has to be supportive of his children and if that means driving them to their clubs and friends parties then so be it. It’s hard work but it’s not forever. The children shouldn’t have to miss out on seeing their Dad or normal childhood activities and socialising.

Legally neither parent should sign/book their child up for an activity on the other parents time, so the child doesn't go if it is the time with the parent who didn't sign them up.

There are clubs that happen on weekday evenings so the kid should be signed up for one of those activities and times instead.

In regards to birthday parties - if you are told well enough in advance and can do the drive you take them.

Nonsense.

A 4 hour round trip for a 45 minute to an hour activity is madness.

I’m very on the fence as to how all of this best works…

I think I’m conscious that we could pick DSS up on Friday (2hrs there and back). Have to do it again on Saturday afternoon for a party/club before mum does the trip to collect DSS on Sunday afternoon. It’s a lot of DSS nevermind us.

My other query that I have since posted on the other thread is what a court would say in this situation. Would Gillick competence come into it whereby they can decide to miss time at dad’s in favour of a club…would a court say time with parents takes precedence, would a child then resent that and the relationship breakdown anyway.

So much to consider!

We are in the same situation and the kids just don’t go to the club or party’s at the weekend. It’s a three hour drive each way for us (mum moved) so it’s just one of these things. I suspect when they get older they won’t want to come so much if there is a tournament at the weekend for example but we are prepared for that. Of course we won’t drive them there - that wouldn’t be possible.

Somebody suggested booking them for a similar activity in our area but this also isn’t possible. For us the hobby is football and if the child is never there for training and practice in the week and then expects to play in weekend tournaments any coach will say no to that. We just do other things that are fun and let it run it’s course. For most kids it’s just a hobby anyway and very few will be Olympic athletes so as long as you do other things to enhance their education and skills it’s completely fine.

I know it's the mum who moved @Woodstocks but I feel sorry for the kids. They are missing out on so many experiences.

Legally neither parent should sign/book their child up for an activity on the other parents time, so the child doesn't go if it is the time with the parent who didn't sign them up

Legally? There are no laws about signing children up for clubs post-divorce.

It is a shame that there can't be some compromise here, for the sake of the child who just wants to play football with his mates and try and make the team. If he's shown no interest in the past, chances are it'll fizzle out quite quickly but at least dad will have been supportive. I know it's annoying, takes time, money and effort but it's not always about what we want as adults, is it?

I know it isn’t great but it just is what it is. We don’t like to play it up to the children as “you’re missing out because mum moved so far” though- we try to look at it as “great you are getting lots of other experiences and things that we do here that are also of interest to you”