Am I An A*****le?

[youllbefine]

My partner and have been together for three years. He has custody of his son, so I've been 'Mum' for three years as he only sees his actual Mum twice a week. We've been really lucky as he had just turned 4 when I met him, and we never had any teething problems whatsoever - the bond we've built is as if I pushed him out myself, I adore him.

HOWEVER...

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks a few days before Christmas, and ever since then I can't be in the same room as him - everything he does irritates me, I've become short tempered, I'm not interested in anything he says any more and I've found myself watching the clock until his bed time - is this normal while I'm grieving my baby or have I become a complete witch!? I can't stand myself at the minute.

You’re not a witch or an asshole. You’re human. You’re grieving. My DH and I went to a kid soft play the week after I miscarried with my two step children and I had a meltdown and a half. I’ve since had a baby and I still can’t stand the step children being here to be honest.

You can write Arsehole.

Nothing bad will happen.

Thank you so much for the reassurance <3 How do you navigate those feelings towards your stepchildren? I'm worried that bond we had won't come back

I understand your grieving for the loss of your child. I have had several miscarriage but it is unfair on your step son to treat him like this.

Thanks, arsehole:)

Any help?

You are grieving, but you need to try and fake it before you do untold damage to your relationship with you dss. Ultimately it is not his fault any more than it is yours.

Be kind to yourself but remember that he is just a child and he has already been through a lot if change and rejection from a mother figure.

I would chat to your gp about getting some counselling to help you navigate your way through this.

It's normal. Sorry for your loss. Take immediate steps to confide in your partner and try and hire out practical steps so you're not in DSS immediate vicinity all the time. He shouldn't get a whiff of what's going on.
When I'm down, I get irritated easily - with everyone including my own kids!!!
I find a good coping strategy to relax the rules for a bit - allow them treat bits (extra screen time, "no adults allowed" picnic dinner) and ensure I take time for myself (usually just lying down on a bed for 5 mins)
They have a whale of a time

I agree fake it and counselling. It will be difficult for but you did have a relation with him before your miscarriage and hopefully this will return.

I've started counselling, and my partner is super supportive, so hopefully I'll get back to normal - I think I'm just beating myself up a bit. Thank you :)

Not very well to be honest. They haven’t wanted to stay much recently which has been great for me so I feel so so so so sorry for you. I’m not trying to be horrible and I love my DH and baby so much but if I knew I was going to feel like this I would’ve ran a mile and never ever got involved with DH in the first place. It’s ruining my life.

I love this - thank you so much, I'll try it out x

Then stop beating yourself up.

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do, but you need to do everything you can to make sure dss doesn't pick up in it.

Find ways you guys can do things together away from the house that will hopefully give you both a chance to rebuild your relationship - arrange it with his friends ie go with another parent and take the kids to the cinema (wonka is good) or a trampoline Park etc. Anything that feels like a treat to him but gives you a break without you stepping away.

It will get better, but your miscarriage was so recent and you need to be more forgiving of yourself!!

Try not to fixate on your dss though...find something that gives you an outlet to discharge those feelings like I dunno an exercise class or something.

But above all be kind to yourself!!!!

Leave his dad to do bedtime tonight, take yourself off for a hot bubble bath, give yourself a facial, watch shite on Instagram or something...look after yourself.

I suspect you’ve just found out that the bond isn’t as if you pushed him out yourself, however much you thought it was.

There’s nothing wrong with stepping back, temporarily or not. You’re grieving, you’re human and you’ve suffered a loss that’ll stay with you forever.

Sorry about your miscarriage.
7 year olds are annoying at the best of times. Try not to beat yourself up what you’re feeling is normal. Despite what you read on hear the SM/SC relationship is very hard.

Even without stepkids, before my LO i had multiple miscarriages..it broke me, i couldnt go in a childrens clothes store without bawling my eyes out.

It really messed me up for a while.

So i can imagine if i had a stepchild then and was watching someone with their child and that bond daily i would go crazy.

Your doing all the right things, and once in therapy i got told to go with "fake it till you make it"

You will get there, everyone reacts differently and you can't control how you feel just how you respond.

So sorry about your miscarriage. I think you need to give yourself a break. It's not been long since it happened so it's still very raw. It's only natural to feel the way you're feeling. He is a constant reminder that someone else had a successful pregnancy, I don't blame you for feeling a bit resentful.

This is probably a bit controversial, but maybe you should tell your SS in a child friendly way what has happened and explain that you're a bit sad about it so you're sorry if you haven't been loads of fun to be around or you seem a bit different. You'll be surprised how understanding and empathetic kids can be. Or ask his dad to have a chat with him if you can't manage. Maybe feeling like you're all in it together will help you bond with him again.

Therapy may help you. Specifically, for the loss.

When my son was born sleeping. I didn't want to be around any children specifically younger ones . I loved my niece but after I lost him things went very dark. I also avoided all other children, going the supermarket and bumping into pregnant people and other babies used to reduce me to tears.

The guilt I felt around all of this was so consuming

You're not an asshole. You are grieving. People are going to come on here and say you're an asshole and you clearly hate your DSc ignore them.

Grief feels like you're drowning in the sea and the sea is choppy. Each day you go under and struggle to breath, but as you spend more time in the sea, each day you will learn to swim a little better, one day you will be thinking I can do this and another you will go under. It's not about escaping the sea but learning to swim in it. You may one day help others to swim in this dark waters. It's not about an avoiding or escaping it but almost leaning in to get out.

There's a private Tommy's fb group with people on similar situation to you (you can ask to be added. Tommys is a baby loss charity that do some amazing things in this space.

The only way past your grief is through it (I feel like a greeting card) and your grieving because it's the emotion that's there to remind you that love is the only thing that transcends death. Love and grief are twin sisters in my head. Different faces of the same coin if you will.

I was so angry after the sadness left me, angry at the world. Remember your not angry at anyone for existing, your angry because this is shit. So so shit. Your emotions are valid.

Dad can take over for a bit while you heal your heart. It doesn't get less, but it gets lesser. You're not doing your emotions at anyone, and anyone who doesn't understand this isn't worth your time.

🌹

Also I really agree with this actually.

My DSD who has ASD was probably the most gentle and understanding person when I had a loss with her father (sorry to all you NT people out there) but she didn't offer platitudes or words that are meant to be kind but just hurt. She just said it how it was. That's so shit (she was a teen)

I am so sorry for your loss. Its totally normal, I felt this way when I miscarried and since Ive had my own children I also now prefer SD not being around. Its just a different dynamic and the gap between the feelings you have for your own & them is HUGE. You are human, humans have feelings and emotions that cant be controlled. The relationship with my SD has never been the same but I'm too busy focusing on raising 2 under 4yrs and trying to juggle it all.

Grief is horrible and it comes and goes. Someone once said about step families is that you grieve the nuclear family you'll never have...and its so true.

The only thing I can say is try and shield your feelings from the child, ignorance is bliss. Its great your partner is being supportive though, mine doesnt try and understand why I feel certain ways and its killing the relationship.

I am so sorry for your loss - give your space to grieve and to accept your feelings. Be kind to yourself. xxxx