Considering buying together

[Nextbitoflife]

Hello would welcome some advice. DP has children (14,10) 50/50 care. Mine are grown and away from home. We are just starting the process of looking for somewhere to buy together - currently both rent but are 100% at each others houses. Kids are onboard, relationships all round stable and pretty easy. We need a big place , space for everyone to have privacy and also together time. I’m excited but cautious. What are the pitfalls I/ we need to consider? I think I’ve thought of all the obvious ( esp financial, that’s fairly easy- I have more money but would ringfence and we would own the house together, outright. Will take legal advice. But still a bit scared 🤔

Can you move in full time/rent together first to see what it's like actually being a full-time member of the household? I think you'd be crazy to buy together without seeing how the dynamics play out when it's your house too - little things that might not bother you as a visitor can suddenly become magnified when it's your own property that's not being treated how you'd like.

Yeah I do think that’s a good idea - but houses that would suit us are around 3k a month to rent and we could live mortgage free. And I would like to retire/ wind down work in next 5 years. Current properties way too small for everyone and their stuff. Basically 1 house at the mo is a sort of expensive storage unit as we are in a lot of ways already living together - but I think the ‘what if we all annoy each other’ is where my caution lies I think. Plus teenage years Again for me!

To be honest, if you're living together between the 2 houses already then you've probably got a good feeling for what life is going to be like living in the one house.

Maybe have a chat about house rules and expectations for the kids. How will you manage housework? What chores will the kids be responsible for. You've probably just been responsible for the housework in your respective homes so I'd make a plan for who is going to do what when you're living together.

Sounds like you already have the financial side sorted and that's wise of you to ringfence your deposit.

How will you pay bills? You are 1 person and he is 1 of 3...

I know you said you're 100% at each others houses but psychologically it feels very different and your tolerance level for stuff will be a lot lower when you know there's no where else for you to go if needed. Once you're "officially" living together as one family unit you might find expectations creep in by stealth like you doing most of the cooking or laundry, or being cast in a bad cop role because you'd prefer their rooms are kept tidyish or you'd like them to have a reasonably structured bedtime etc. Definitely agree with PP that you need to agree some proper ground rules.

How long have you been together? Could your DP afford to buy you out if it does all go tits up so that the DSC wouldn't have to move again?

Is your partner at the same life stage as you, I.e hoping to downsize in similar timeframe? If not will there be incompatibility in lifestyle..travel, expenditure etc.

How long have you been together? What factors irritate you now as I think these get amplified when there is a permanent arrangement - now you both know you have an exit plan, less so when one house.

Think about Wills..who will inherit house? Will your adult children have to wait for sale of a house if your partners children are still young?

Unfortunately people do change when a major commitment has been made (marriage or a house purchase) so would you have a workable exit strategy, could you afford to sell, could you force a sale? These are issues you can tie up with a solicitor. They sound harsh but given stats on break ups it's worth planning for that eventuality.

How was the break up with his Ex.. ime how they behave towards the Ex would be how he behaves to you in a separation.

Have you considered practical and financial implications of children moved in 100%? Have you factored this into the Wills? It's the bits nobody wants to think about that can be overlooked.

If the teens, preteen moved in full time are you prepared to deal with all the challenges that can bring?you are looking at nearly a decade ahead on that space.

The above is the bits that I see come a cropper.

What do you want to happen if one of you dies in 5 years? And the other goes on to forge a new relationship.
I'd suggest tenants in common on the land reg of the new house and watertight wills protecting your own children.
Don't rely on "he thinks the world of his stepchildren and he'll look after them financially in his own will if I die suddenly" or "well everything goes to him but I've told him what I want done with my half when he dies".

The money is key - ringfencing your share legally and the need to consider wills - say you put in 2/3 then his share if you split or he dies would be 1/3. But also a provision for a life interest, so if he dies first his DC can’t turf you out or force a sale unless you want to sell.

Bills, too. Well worth sitting down and doing budget and working out how that will be paid. Because his children will only get more expensive.

I also agree about being really clear on expectations regarding his children. Discipline, costs, chores and childcare now. Also future scenarios like are you happy for them to have keys and come and go, can they have GF/BF sleep over, can they live with you through/after uni. If they start work instead of uni, what does that look like etc etc. Knowing all this up front will save you from any nasty surprises down the line.

I honestly wouldn’t do it. Or I’d rent to start with. It’s really really hard work. It would be even worse to go back to younger kids when you’ve done your parenting. Sorry. But I often wish I had just kept my little house.

I just did this with DP after years of a similar set up to yours. Only difference is our DC are the same age and about to go to Uni.

No issues so far, financials set up fairly, wills in place and I haven't noticed anything new that annoys me when living together that I hadn't noticed when living between our two houses. I love the stability of having bought somewhere, I couldn't be arsed with renting first.

I wouldn't do it. Wait til his kids have left home. I'm in this position now with him still having a teen at home and mine having left. I feel resentful that I'm still parenting well into my 50s and we can't even think about downsizing yet.

A few things to consider:

1. Financials. Ringfencing the deposit and making wills is essential. If either of you die, what happens to the house? How will you split bills / redecoration / repairs, both now and when circumstances change? Will you pay less when you retire? Will you merge finances? Will you be jointly supporting his children through university / paying for cars / saving for weddings and deposits?
2. Expectations. Who’s doing which chores, including the children? When you retire, will you be doing more of the chores or school runs?
3. Lifestyle. You’re gearing up to retire - is he? He’s potentially entering the most expensive part of his children’s lives as you enter a cheaper, calmer part

Finally I’d strongly advocate having a big enough house that you have your own space. You might all fit in a three-bedroom, but having a bathroom that isn’t shared with the children and a separate drawing room that isn’t overrun with computer games and dirty plates will give you huge piece of mind. Also spare bedroom(s) for Christmas or whenever your children want to stay.

Peace* of mind!

Some fantastic points - thanks all. I do agree that on paper it’s a challenging idea - but we both want the security and partnership of a home together. We are the same age but yes as he had his kids much older , he’s a long way to go with ‘active’ parenting. Lots to think about, no massive rush and needs a pretty magical house that improves for everyone the current set up! I don’t want to wait until his kids leave though - I would be early 60s then.

Another point I forgot to mention is downsizing. Will you want to? What happens if his children still want to live with you into their 20s?

Good luck OP!

100% rent together first! My DH has three kids and it was a lot to adjust to initially. It’s someone else’s children in your home/space helping themselves to your things, their presence in your safe space etc. It’s really seeing what your partners parenting is like and you being put on the back burner in your own home.

We rented for three years before I felt I had adjusted to it and we had ironed out issues and made compromises. It’s considering things like bills and food shops, furnishing the bedrooms, private spaces etc.

We own a home together now and have a shared DC, but at times when his other kids are over, it doesn’t feel like I can always take up space in my own home.

We did it and it's fine, we have one of mine and one of his here full time, both adults now. The trick is to be a bit laidback about things as of course the other kids aren't necessarily doing things how you would prefer. My dsd actually wishes her parents split earlier and she lived with me sooner, we get along really well, she seems to think she wouldn't have had so many teen mh issues with me around, can't prove that!

Get anything tricky out the way before moving in together eg are ring fencing the contributions/tenants in common with set % what happens if something happens to you/him eg we have lifetime residency. They also work out how you will do bills, fixed ones and shopping. Dp pays our monthly bills mostly, I pay one, and I buy most the groceries as I'm pt and have time (I like to shop most days) we'll do a big shop monthly he'll pay for. Neither of us expect young people to pay rent, they save up for moving out!

Really helpful, thank you. It’s so hard to predict the future - and how his dc will evolve. We have a great relationship now but I know from experience how bumpy the teenage years can be. I need to be chill about ‘stuff’ and think I can manage that if I have a small space that is just mine. We viewed a house yesterday that wasn’t right but was useful to continue to unearth conversations about how it would work. Yes in an ideal world we would probably rent a big place together but they just don’t exist in the area we need to be in for schools. Def no rush for this!

Do not get married, ever.
Own as tenants in common with your individual shares ringfenced.
Your wills need to be solid. Think about what happens if you or he dies, especially while the step children are still children. Who will they live with, will you need to sell the house immediately to give them their inheritance.
If either of you die think carefully about signing up to lifetime interests in the property or your/his children might be waiting decades to inherit.