A rant about the stepkids' diet...anyone else feel helpless

[SteppedOnStepMum]

Want to preface by saying I have become very fond of the kids aged 8 and six. They have called me mum from the beginning and I have been in their lives for more than three years. But I have no control over what they eat and it annoys and upsets me. They get cans of cola after school and eat only processed food and then they fart-disgusting smells that shouldn't really come from such small people. Their mum and also my husband's mum think it's normal to give them this much crap.
My husband makes them try new stuff but we are living with our in-laws at moment so it's even worse. My MIL is lovely but eats crap too and thinks its her right to 'spoil' them. They get ice lollies and crisps at 9am. Please someone tell me this isn't normal.

Of course it’s not normal but more and more these days I meet kids who eat dreadful diets and parents that don’t care. So, maybe we are the odd ones actually enjoying fruit and veg and a balanced diet??

It’s normal for some people, not for others.

You can’t do anything to change it yourself, least of all if you’re up against MIL whose home you’re living in, so try and let go and just accept it. It’s up to their father to do what he can but he’s in a weakened position as he owes his accommodation to his parents. When are you likely to move out?

Beside the point but they shouldn’t be calling you mum as they have one and it’s irrelevant to your influence or not over their diet. Seems a strange decision.

You can't change the ex but could you and DH talk to MIL to at least get more balanced meals in among the rubbish. How long will you be living with ILs?

I don't think you're wrong to be worried. It's so bad for their growth and health and teeth. Could you watch some educational cartoons about nutrition? The 8yo must be learning about this in school now anyway? And put a grubby penny in a glass of coke to show them what it does. They must be wired if they are full of sugar and caffeine often.

We are due to leave in the next couple of weeks. They've been brilliant but the sight of the kids drinking two cans of coke a day and endless crap is upsetting. I didn't choose for them to call me mum, their mother moved a guy in after she split from my DH and she insisted they call him dad so when I came along they automatically called me mum. They call her mummy. It will probably change when they get older but that's not a big issue.
I love them and I want them to be healthy but maybe that's how life is these days.I silently judge tho.

I think it's really great that you care! I read so many posts on here where the step-parents don't care or like their step-kids. It's hard as children can be quite fussy eaters at times and it can be exhausting cooking multiple meals. I wonder if you can incorporate balance - hiding veggies in the spag bol, chatting to your partner about fizzy drinks being a treat for the weekend, buying healthier snacks in. I would also worry, however, ultimately it's up to your partner and his ex-partner in terms of their child's diet, you can only be a force of good influence

do not let anyone make you feel bad, here or in your real life, about the kids calling you mum. I married my husband over twenty years ago.. he was the primary parent to his two boys aged 8 and 12 when we met. We progressed really fast (fine for us as we just KNEW) I had a 13 year old daughter. within a year we were married. Those boys are my sons (with their mothers blessing) I would do anything for them , as I proved thru the years. they are now all in their thirties.. and amazing kids , two of them with kids of their own. My husband sat in the front row with his ex wife 3 years ago for our sons marriage while I sat behind with her husband. My daughter was adopted by my husband, I can not nor would ever adopt or even try to adopt my sons as they have an amazing mom..and she has embraced our daughter and her kiddos. Would I ever be her friend outside of family relationship.. no. not against her at all just weird as fuck lol.. families are all different, as long as the kids are loved and do not have to witness bullshit between parents ..all good. the more people that love your children..the better.. edited. before I get picked apart.. yes the youngest was 8.. he turns 30 this year in October lol

Start small. Crudités to munch on during TV time? Fruit salad for pudding? Sneak a slice of cucumber or tomato in their sandwiches? See how that goes.

I’d let MIL get on with it whilst you’re guests in her home, then get your husband on board for a complete diet overhaul when you move. Just don’t keep the crap in the house and there’ll be no temptations. Kids respond well to hearing about health and making their bodies happy.

My sds don't live on junk food and generally eat well balanced home cooked food in both households.
However, they are both fairly fussy and one is a pescetarian and they have opposite food tastes so there aren't that many meals that both will eat.

I deal with this by only cooking for them when I feel like preparing one of the meals they like. Otherwise I leave it to DH!

Op, offer them fruit and healthy options if you must buy don't make this into a rod for your back. Sadly this isn't really something that's in your control.

Your dh needs to urgently get rid of the fuzzy drinks, it will destroy their teeth. The amount of children that require extractions has exploded.

Diet wise I would do little changes, but prioritise their teeth.

Coca cola is addictive first of all. I live in Mexico and we are one of the countries in the world that most consumes coca cola and has the highest rate of diabetes. We also had a high mortality rate during covid as a consequence.

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't know how you are going to break their addiction but be kind to them.

Thank you for all these suggestions.
Yes it's hard here and I feel like the bad habits are ingrained now.
I asked them if they both want to be big and strong when they grow up and the youngest said no I want to be little so I can fit in small boxes!

Hopefully it will be easier when you move out.

I'd find ways to be healthier without then realising for now and then build up. So make meals like spag bol or curry and blend veg into the sauce. Do smoothies/milkshakes for them with fruit/veg. Find fruit they do like berries grapes etc. put a bit of veg on their plate so they get use to it. If they like chicken nuggets buy breaded chicken breast rather than processed stuff.

Also have you considered if you have kids your mil will be exactly the same!!

No way would I let my kids drink that much coke- 2 cans a day and they think they are good for having a cap on it. It's awful because the older kid is becoming very overweight, he mentions that he's fat and says his mum tells him to run around the park.
They do have carrot sticks and cucumber on their plates but they will leave those and just have bacon sarnies for breakfast or ice pop and cola then lunch is ham sandwich and has to be from Co-op not even home made then a pepperoni pizza for eldest and chicken nuggets for youngest. They try to wangle an Uber Eats regularly too.
When we go back to our house they won't be too happy with the new menus and I'm sure DH will end up giving them the processed crap because they are used to it and will actually eat it.
MIL thinks I'm a killjoy if I lightly mention that they should try something healthier.
But thats a whole other thread.

My DSS has an absolutely appalling diet, McDonald’s several times a week, every meal is processed, he can go several months without eating fruit and vegetables. He’s always constipated, always ill and picking up bugs even now he’s a teenager. Often sick. He has significant tooth decay and has prescription toothpaste (which he won’t use) and has had teeth removed under general anaesthetic.

I invested a lot of time in trying to make meals attractive to him and also nutritionally dense when I first met DH. But then I got fed up of not being supported by his Mum (who made all the right noises but it was just noise, not action) and my DH who didn’t want to spend his contact time making an issue about what he ate.

Now, nearly a decade on, have given up. Not my monkey, not my zoo.

I try as much as possible to continue to make family meals for my own kids when he comes to stay and steer my kids towards better food choices. That’s the most problematic part. If it’s not affecting your own children (assuming you don’t have them). Give up is my advice. The parents have to want to make a change.

@KatesCoke That sounds horrendous.
I fear things will go like that with them too but they have their mum AND gran feeding them crap. I will let them get on with it but they won't be having that stuff when we go back to our house. They can winge and refuse to stay but my house FINALLY my rules and I can't wait.

What about cooking with them while they are with you? Make healthy food interesting

That is not how life is these days! That is just lazy parenting full stop. You are right to want them to eat healthy food - that is absolutely 100% what parents or carers should do for their children! The impact of an overly processed diet is not just in the here and now (weight, discoloured teeth, disrupting sleep and ability to concentrate) but in the long term too. So many long term debilitating Illnesses stem from a poor over processed diet in childhood.

Exactly - and the issue is, unless the parents are on board you’re just an opposing force to fight against. You won’t win. Big food corporations invest a huge amount of money in making absolute garbage highly attractive and palatable for kids. My DH was quite happy for me to invest time, energy and expense into offering a healthier diet but when push came to shove he couldn’t be bothered himself. Don’t be that person who expends and invests so much with no prospect of reward.

Why doesn't their Dad step up and tell his Mum not to feed them this shit all the time?

Do you have kids with him? If lot it would be a red flag that he will forever be good cop about food and diet with your own kids op.

Because she will feel attacked and end up arguing. I speak from experience, my DSS has health professionals involved trying to steer his diet and introduce fruit and veg. All the right noises are made, but later down the line it transpires noise is all it is. You can’t make someone change.

I think they key here for your own mental health is to just accept that they eat poorly at their mums and with you they eat what you eat.
i have lived with my step children 50/50 for around 7 years now and I really found this difficult at first, they only ate frozen food, fizzy pop and snacks.
We slowly introduced new foods to them and now 7 years later they eat healthy cooked meals with fruit after tea through the week.
they know now that’s how it works in our family home and although it may be different at their mums that’s fine because all families and parents are different

That sort of food is ‘normal’ within some families. My mum fed me like that growing up, I ate and drank whatever I wanted and had to underdo (and mmm still undoing) unhealthy eating habits.

However, given your role with the children I think you have to let it go. You have raised your concerns and been ignored. I don’t think you can manage what their mum and grandparent feeds them. All you can do is model healthy eating, feed them healthily when you have them and offer them a wide range of food to expose them to different foods ans tastes.

One thing I did with my kids was “food experiments”. I let them choose any 2 fruits each time we did shopping and we had a grid where we wrote a leaderboard of the most likes fruits. I let them try all the random exotic fruits. They got really excited about trying new things.