losing sympathy for DHs situation. How do I bring this up? (stepchildren)

[ggggggday]

My stepkids are getting older now, both in their teens and they are getting their own lives. Like most kids their age its not about parents anymore it's about mates. They want to be at friends houses or chatting online 99% of the time. As an outsider I don't think these changes are abnormal, just an age thing.

It also means that every now and then they'll just want to stay at mums house instead of come to ours like normal because they are in the middle of something or even just don't fancy going out.

DH has been struggling with this and I think I need to have a chat with him but don't know what to say. The problem is, imo, he over compensates because he wants them to love being there. He doesn't want them to go and stay at friends houses on their nights with us because he's "barely seen them", he plans out these ideas every time in his head of perfect movie nights that everyone has to get involved in (like me...) or whatever and they rarely materialise as dsc have plans or get bored half way through and want to go join their friends online etc.

If its not the above it's plying them with however many sweets and things they want or buying them stuff all the time.

And then it's the moping around when it doesn't go to plan.

I just can't stand it anymore, we have young children of our own who have to put up with this sulking and in my opinion arent treated as much as DSC (due to his trying to disney them into wanting to come more) and my sympathy is dwindling.

You should ask this on the step-parenting part of MN

He needs to come to terms with his terms getting older. And stop trying to pressure and guilt them into coming to spend time with him.

That is really horrible for a teen to try to deal with. I spent my teenage years feeling obligated to spend every second weekend at my dad’s. I wanted to be doing sleepovers at my friends etc but I couldn’t because I had to be on the other side of the city at my dad’s - and I knew I was missing out on stuff.

I couldn’t have a conversation with my dad who would have framed it all as a rejection and made me feel even worse. So I spent years feeling guilty and responsible for my dad’s feelings.

Your DH does not want his children to feel
like that. He needs to be more flexible and recognise that this is developmentally normal for teens.

The sulking and treating your younger children as less important is also
a huge issue.

Your DH needs to sort himself out. And stop making everyone tiptoe around his emotions.

Your dh needs to give his head a wobble. If he keeps trying to pull his older dcs back, he will drive them away, while damaging his relationship with his younger dcs.

To say nothing of the damage he is doing to his marriage.

Life has moved on and he needs to accept that fact.

I have two older stepchildren and three younger of my own with DH. For a while it was 50:50 but this has dwindled to EOW now they are older (teens).

He shouldn’t discourage sleepovers - I’d agree with you that it puts him on a difficult path in terms of their relationship. He should rather encourage that their friends come to you for a sleepover. Yes they may wake the younger children but it is what it is (pop a white noise machine on low in the LOs room) all part and parcel of more than one child. If friends don’t know you all so well they may be a bit hesitant but if he also does the drop offs to their house you will all become more familiar. If friends don’t want to come to you then let them go to theirs.

It’s difficult as I really do see his side, imagine only seeing your children EOW and then them not even being in the house for half of it. DH isn’t Disney dad though and often has to go against Disney mum in our case and do the actual parenting so he was more amenable to these discussions.

Suggest doing an outing, like a walk and coffee to spend quality time. Going out for pizza if the budget allows or even buying pizzas (we have dad pizza night here and they all know id never make that!). A film that’s suitable for all in the house is a ruby slipper, once you’ve done a couple of classics you’ve nothing more to suggest. He needs to change tactic or soon they won’t come and they won’t be made to.

A friends ex did (and still does to a certain extent) this. The sulking and tantrums from a grown man was ridiculous 😒 he would get apoplectic on the phone with my friend if they didn't want to go, and they were too afraid of telling him themselves.
Bloody horrible way to treat children.
Kick him up the arse, he will drive them away.

You definitely have to say something. He chose to have more children, how dare he ruin time with them by sulking. He’s mourning his older ones growing up while depriving his younger ones of an active engaged father in their childhood, that’s ridiculous. It’s all very self centred from the sounds of things. He needs to pay for professional help to unpick his complicated feelings, or offload to a mate, rather than emotionally shitting all over you and your kids because he’s feeling neglected or whatever. Enough. It sounds like you’re very understanding but don’t let him take the piss. No one’s going to want to spend time with him if he carries on like this.

FWIW I’m a step mum to teens with a young child and a baby.

This is a natural rite of passage for most teenagers.
They just don't want to hang out with their parents, much as they love them.8ts just not cool.
Your DH needs to cut them some slack and he needs to concentrate on the younger kids x

Sorry, the other thing to say is if he wants to have good relationships with them he needs to meet them where they are rather than where he wants them to be. DH has no interest of his own in Stranger Things but he’s become an expert as one of ours was obsessed. He doesn’t enjoy sport but he’s now pretty up to speed on rugby. You embrace their interests not try and foist your own into them. Then they feel seen and you get to learn from them. It takes listening and wanting to know them as people as they grow. Try to pretend they’re an extension of you or still little and you just push them away more.

Maybe get him to think back to how he was as a teenager. Remind him that it's not personal but normal/standard teen attitude trying to exert and find their independence. Better that they come to see him because they want to rather than out of a sense of duty. Explain it to him as it being a positive thing and that he needs to cut the apron strings a little. Hard as it is he needs to let them have their autonomy and be glad they have the confidence to do so.

My other half used to take his teen boys to breakfast on what used to be his weekend with them when they didn’t want to stay over and be away from mates or had plans

He would pick them up they would go to the local weatherspoons where they lived have a breakfast and fed coffee chat & catch up

You know what he started this when they were around 15 years old

They are both in their 30s now with partners and small kids but they still meet their Dad at least 2 times a month at a local Wetherspoons for breakfast

They actually text and ask are we going for breakfast this weekend

Sometimes it’s both of them sometimes just the one
sometimes they bring their partners but it’s something they seem to enjoy doing still with their father and long may it continue