Age gaps with step sons and own daughter

[dawn101]

I have two step sons, 16 and 14. They are good kids and I've been their step mum since they were 1 and 3. My husband and I have our own daughter, who is 7.

My trouble is, the boys mum (where they live) lets them online game 24/7. They have zero interests outside of gaming. We've tried all sorts, sports, outdoorsy stuff (we live near the beach), music, books, pottery, cooking, art etc. But can't find anything they want to do. We can't sign up to regular clubs as they live over an hour away and we have them every other weekend. They don't have friends here due to the distance.

My daughter is now complaining they don't play with her, and why can't she game etc. I tell her they are teens, they can't be expected to play with her all day, and try and manage her expectations, but it's really exhausting and I dread the weekends now as have to fill all daughters time up to distract her from what the boys are doing, and i dont get any life admin done as Im having to keep her out or occupied all day. I dont want to have rules here for them they don't have at their mums as they won't want to come if they feel it's not fun with our restrictions, but I feel really strongly that I don't want my daughter on computer games, especially the ones the boys play (call of duty, which is an 18 and I wouldn't let them play, but their mum does so my husband says hard to again say 'not here').

I feel like we've tried everything, just wondering if anyone has had similar challenge and what they did!

I personally think it’s entirely acceptable to say they can’t play an 18 rated game at your house, at least when your 7 year old is around. It should come from their dad not you though.

Realistically if they were full siblings to your daughter and lived with you full time, how much would they play with her anyway? Genuine question, it’s quite a big age gap so not many shared interests. It would be nice if they’d show some internet and humour her sometimes (could they perhaps teach her to play some age appropriate games if you bought them? There are educational ones and you can limit it to just when they’re here maybe) but I guess you can’t force it.

We have a similar age gap, although DC is a boy so we asked DSS to play Mario type games with him at certain points and then asked DS to leave big brother alone to play his ‘grown up games’ at other times. DS is now a teen and I can just imagine his response if I invited him to do art or pottery!

We now have the opposite problem of DS playing games when his nephews are visiting. Again, we have times when he can play something suitable with them, either a computer game or take them over the park for a run round etc and times when he can have his own time to play his own games.

I am sorry but I think you have unrealistic expectations given the age gap.

If they were more outdoor focused they hardly would take a 7 year old with them. Realistically whether they were gaming or not you would have to fill her time.

I would not start having arguments at 16 about boundaries that may have been possible six/seven years ago.

So not only does their mum let them play games 24/7, but their father does too. Why is he allowing this? Let me guess - he's worried that if he steps up and parents them they’ll just want to stay with their mother.
Sounds like both parents are doing a poor job.

Not exactly same but I have a 2 year old and stepsons who are 7 and 12, but are with us full time. DSSs used to play video games constantly when living with their mum and so it has been a real battle to get them to cut back. They still play far more than I think they should and DD is now at the stage where she wants to play with them and I really don't want her in their room just watching them vegged out in front of a screen playing video games. She gets really upset though and wants to get into their room and like you I try to distract her by entertaining her however i also think it's important to have rules and boundaries around DSSs video game playing. Just because they play it 24/7 at their mum's doesn't mean they should get to at yours because then they really never get a break from it. When DSSs first came to live with us they had no interest in anything outside of gaming or watching TV, because that's all they knew and nothing else compared. It took a while of taking that option off the table for periods of time for them to develop interests in other things but now they do, DSS7 had recently started getting into football and DSS12 likes swimming and making short videos. I know it might be harder when you don't have them full time to encourage them to develop other interests but they won't ever have the chance to if they continue to be allowed to play the computer all the time in both homes.

You need to manage your daughter’s expectations. Of course a 16 and a 14 year old don’t want to play with her.

She’s 7, not a baby. You shouldn’t be spending the whole weekend distracting her because her half brothers aren’t playing whatever 7 year old stuff she wants to do. Tell her to go and play. Or you play with her. That, unfortunately, is parenting.

Very easy to smugly criticise but the harsh reality is at 14 and 16 they can and will choose to stay away if they don’t like your rules

is gaming a hill worth dying on and not seeing your kids

Very few 16 and 14 year olds would want to play with a 7 year old sibling, irrespective of whether they spend their time gaming or being outside. I think you have unrealistic expectations there.

You are being unrealistic. Your dd needs to start entertaining herself a bit. You really can't expect teenage boys to entertain her.

Even if you ignore the gaming, playing with a 7 year old girl is unlikely to be the way 16 and 14 year old boys want to spend every second weekend.

Are they talking to their friends when they’re gaming?

It isn’t the boys’ job to entertain your DD so you can get ‘life admin’ done. Where is your husband in all this?

I agree they shouldn’t be made to play with a 7yo.

I’m realistic about teens gaming a lot and playing online with mates.

But… there’s no way on earth they would be playing 18 rated games at my house ever. And definitely not gaming solidly all day.

I dont want to have rules here for them they don't have at their mums as they won't want to come if they feel it's not fun with our restrictions

Kids have different rules in different places and they adapt. If they are so hooked on gaming that they would refuse to visit then that’s a bigger problem. Your DH needs to step up and parent his sons properly. Start by removing CoD.

The reason they don’t play with your daughter is the age gap. Not the gaming.

If gaming never existed then they (probably) still wouldn’t play with their much younger sister. Nothing wrong with them or your daughter. It’s just how it is.

Neither would they likely do pottery or cooking activities. When you have a large age gap it’s usually difficult in these cases. Even if all full siblings.

Where is the gaming happening. I think it’s ok, to say no over 18 games if it’s in a shared area.

What would you do if older ones didn’t exist. Would you still spend all weekend trying to keep your dd constantly entertained?