It’s the thought that counts right??

[howtoparentandstaymarried]

DSD who lives with DH and myself has had a part time job since August… has been enjoying the income to spend on what she likes inc Xmas presents for all her friends… I was expecting a card at least and maybe a token present for Xmas for us as her parents but she didn’t bother with anything.

AIBU to want to raise it only for what kind of person she wishes to be as part of growing up or do I just leave it?

What are other parents with teenagers with jobs expectations in this scenario??

How old? Did you talk to her about what she was getting her dad?
Did he talk to her about what she was getting you?

Are they in school, or 18+ and working? I wouldn't expect any school child to be buying presents for family members. Once over 18 would depend on the family, we just do a secret santa for over 18's.

She is 16, no I didn’t have a conversation with her as I’ve presumed she would have got us a joint card and a very small joint present.

From about 12 years onwards my DS and DSD bought cards and presents themselves for myself/DH and re: DSD her mum and her DH - birthdays and Christmas.

Only small gifts (which is absolutely fine and appropriate) such as a box of chocolates etc.

Yes the thought counts. I'd be disappointed if they didn't bother.

As they have grown older we still don't expect "big" presents (and they know this - we want them to save their money) but they have got more creative with lovely homemade gifts like making a nice cake or cool vintage gifts (for example a lovely vase I got this Christmas from a charity shop).

Upshot is yes, I'd be annoyed if they spent ££ on friends and didn't put any effort (to the point of even a card) for family.

16, In college and working part time earning 300-500pm. Not from a monetary perspective of course I wouldn’t want her spending a significant amount of her money on presents for us, I’m talking a card and box of chocs for a fiver…. It’s more to do with being thoughtful/thankful as a person as to whether to raise it.

Thank-you, this is really helpful to know

My own children at this age and older don't buy me presents and I don't expect them to with the little wages they earn, so i certainly wouldn't expect my stepchildren to.

When our children were young we gave them a very small amount of money and helped them buy a present for their parents and siblings. As they grew up they took over this responsibility. We took our grandson aged 5 this year to choose presents for his parents. I think it’s really important to instil the idea of giving as well as receiving from an early age.

I was pissed off my 8 year old didn't even make me a card lol. I got literally nothing for Christmas a card was all I wanted. I was definitely buying gifts by like 14 ish?

I'm not sure I'd raise it directly but I'd be inserting into conversation how parents love a card or something. Like you said it's the thought that counts not the gift

My step daughter has a job and didn’t even buy her dad a Christmas card.

When our children were young we gave them a very small amount of money and helped them buy a present for their parents and siblings. As they grew up they took over this responsibility.

Same here. I received thoughtful and quite generous gifts from them this year. It did take them a few years to get the hang of it though.

I think some kids can be very selfish at that age, and may need a nudge. What has normally happened in previous years? Did someone take her to get presents? Perhaps she hasn’t managed the transition very well?

Well, you and your husband raised her.

This is also how we started with DS and DSD.

For example with DSD choosing a gift for her mum on Mother's Day (or birthday/Christmas).

We'd give her a budget and take her to a shop to choose something. Often making her own card.

We did the same with DS but felt especially with DSD it was important when she was younger before her mum met her now DH that she learned to gift to her mum when otherwise her mother wouldn't have received anything on those occasions without adult intervention. As she got older she took responsibility for this herself.

This Christmas it was lovely that both DSD and DS (now young adults) bought thoughtful gifts for all the family themselves.

As per my previous post, there is no expectation of anything expensive. What we've tried to teach is the importance of gifting something personal/useful - to demonstrate you've thought about what that person likes/their interests/something they need.

My dc have always bought me presents funded by my mum. I made it clear this year that they should be funding that themselves now as they have income. Not a lot, but enough to buy me a small something.
I'm pleased to say they did.

This The expectation in our family is that dcs give presents to immediate family from about age 7+. Obviously they are given money to facilitate this through their pocket money., as in a reminder to save some as Christmas was coming up.

Dd is 16 and doing an apprenticeship. She earns about a thousand a month with bonuses. I asked for fluffy socks and marmelade. She bought me a ticket to see Madness.
She's bought presents from about 5, funded by us.

My dd is 12 and paid for a printed photo album from her pocket money for dh and I. She sorted it bc all herself and even paid the premium for pre-Christmas delivery. I definitely wasn't expecting her too but she is very lovely, so yes, I reckon an older teen who's earning should buy a token present

My SSs are both 16 and didn't get their dad so much as a card. The older boy is nearly 17 and works. He lives with us full time and shelled out on expensive gifts for his girlfriend but for his dad who got him the bloody job to be able to afford that, absolutely nothing.

I bought little gifts for my parents from the age of 10. Even if it was just a bar of chocolate I'd always keep some pocket money aside.

They're both nice boys just completely thoughtless when it comes to their father which is hard because he does so much for them.

Leave it. It's up to her parents to raise her how they see fit.

I have experience both sides with this.

2 DSC - now 15 (boy) and 18 (girl).

Both get ‘pocket money’ and 18 YO girl has a PT job.

The younger boy buys a small gift out of his pocket money for me & his dad which is very much appreciated and he’s a sweet natured boy.

The older girl has never bothered and is pretty ungrateful when it comes to receiving presents. I remember one Christmas a few years ago not even a than you for all of the gifts she received. That Christmas I stopped buying for her until she could muster up at least a thank you.

Personally I think kids need to learn the art of giving & receiving. Yes - they should buy a small token IMO.