Change towards DSC after having your own?

[Glassflour]

Maybe it’s hormones or maybe I’m just not a nice person but I have found my feelings towards my DSC have changed so much since the birth of mine and DH’s baby. He has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend aged 7 and 5 and we see them EOW. Before the baby was born, I was the one who encouraged DH to go to court for more access, was so hands on with the kids, cuddled them, had fun days out etc. but since our baby has come along (6 months ago) I just don’t want them here. I’ve no time for them and I know that’s horrible but it’s my natural response and I don’t know what to do?? Does it get better with time??

It's a completely natural response.

You will always prioritise the 'survival' of your own flesh and blood before that of anyone else's.

You might find you can only tolerate your step children going forward but as your child grows and becomes less vulnerable you will find this instinct will calm.

You will very likely never feel like you did about your step children pre giving birth and that's ok too.

The best thing to do is to go with your instinct for now as many women who ignore it end up resenting their step children further down the line.

Don't be hard on yourself though, you aren't a bad person. You're just doing what millions of years of survival has engrained into you.

You might also find things sort themselves out more as your baby gets older. Tbh I even had negative feelings towards my 9yo first born when my baby came. It sorted itself out- just hormones and biological instinct

It will ease. You liked them before, which proves it's just instinct and not you being mean x

It’s very common. Just don’t give yourself a hard time as that will lead to more resentment.
People say you knew what you were getting into but when you haven’t even had your own child, how would you possibly?
It will calm down. I remember oh being very offended at me comparing my love for his son to that of my nieces and nephews. But to me I loved my nieces and nephews like they were my own. Until I had my own and realised it’s a whole different ball game. I still don’t love dss like my own. I wish I had had these sites when he was younger so I could have realised that didn’t make me some child hating evil witch. I think it would have helped me and dss.

It’s a natural response and it’s fine to feel that. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. It’s what you do about it that matters. Making time to listen to them and including them in things. Fighting back that emotional ‘I don’t want them here’ instinct and giving them cuddles like you always have. You acknowledge your feelings and recognise that it’s about your reactions changing and not about anything they’ve done.

You could try being extra positive when you’re thinking about them or speaking about them to others. It sounds really stupid but at the moment part of you is probably dreading their next visit because of the way you feel. That means that when you think of them you feel stress, unhappiness etc. It just reinforces that negative link. Telling yourself it will be lovely to see them, to do x or y with them, might help you start to feel that way again.

I think it is natural and you can’t help how you feel.

However, you can (and must) control how you behave around and towards them. If boundaries need putting in place then talk about that with your partner, eg they don’t pick the baby up without permission etc.

It will probably take a while for the new dynamic to feel routine because you don’t have them in your home that much. That’s not a criticism, it’s objective fact. If it was say 50:50, it would all start feeling normal a lot more quickly than it will EOW.