Should I Bring This Up?

[RandomDadAndStepDad]

Ok so, this might be a sensitive one and there's even a chance that I'm being an ahole so please tell me if thats the case.

Background:
Me, M40+, Dad of 3
Partner for 2yrs, 40F, with mild ADHD, Mum of 2.
Stepdaughter 13.

The problem:
Our parenting styles are very different.
Mine - I'm a Realist. Preparing my kids for the big bad world. (2 grown up boys age 20+ and another boy age 15, that are very grounded and happy). They're not perfect but they are compassionate, understanding of others and incredibly kind (but they're not very driven).
Partners parenting style - Gentle. Flexible and non confrontational. Her kids are both academically excelling, and have a lot of drive but can be very selfish, lack self awareness and have little compassion when they want their own way. (But are otherwise fantastic kids)
As time goes by the differences in our parenting styles are become wider and more noticeable.
I'm fearful that it will become a problem down the road, especially once we all move in together.

We don't interfere with each others parenting in any disciplinary type fashion.

I deal with mine my way, my partner deals with hers her way...
Mine very rarely need any disciplinary type parenting as they are very respectful. By contrast we regularly have episodes with my partners children, most recently with her daughter over the last few months.

Her daughter is becoming very challenging but my Partner brushes off the behaviour instead of confronting it.
My partner labels the behaviour as "teenage hormones" or "just what she is like" or even "shes inherited my ADHD so letting her play out is healthy".

I feel these are excuses and they result in my step daughter having a free reign to blame anyone for everything that goes wrong in her life, rather than owning her mistakes and being expected to take responsibility for her behaviour.
I believe thats a long way from healthy. Yes, my step daughter is able to vocalise her issues and shake off the burden of them but she shakes it off at the cost of those around her and never learns from any of it as she is not shown the error of her ways.

I kind of touched on it today with my partner, in a conversation regards something that the step daughter had left in the car last week, (which has been mistaken for rubbish and thrown away)...My partner has made it clear that i should expect attitude, silent treatment, rolled eyes and lots of grunting for the next few weeks from step daughter, as the issue will be seen as my fault.

By contrast, if that situation had happened with my kids, they would be aware that they shouldn't have left their stuff laying around, they'd be reminded that their mistakes sometimes have consequences, no one would be blamed, it would be forgotten about by the end of the day but a life lesson would have been learned.

My brain says, this is going to cause my partner & I problems further into the relationship unless we address it.
My heart says, continue biting my tongue and supporting my partner in whatever she needs...Even if that means turning the other cheek to parenting that I disagree with.

What do you think?

Communicate, communicate and communicate some more.

Don't ignore the elephant in the room, your partner will likely feel the same about your parenting style.

The children will notice the difference and use it to their advantage too.

Even the closest couples will disagree on parenting styles, what's important is that you hear one another and support each other when it matters, you won't always show a united front (let's be real here) but equally if you all the space to understand one another's reasoning then that is supportive in itself.

Don't overthink it too much, we all have our own ideals and opinions - we're only human.
Just ensure you are open about opinions and accepting of other opinions and it will help you both grow as parents and strengthen your relationship.

allow the space*

Also validate your partner and the DCs feelings.

"I know you this is difficult but the problem is..."

"I understand your frustration, how can we make this easier?"

"What can I do better?"

"How can this improve?"

One solution isn't always the best or most concrete, allowing others (whether partner or children) to express their views can be really valuable.

If I were you I'd be thinking more along the lines of what it would be like for your DC to live with them... I feel like weeks of sulking and eye rolling etc would be quite difficult to live with

If your partners child is already 13 and is likely to go to uni at 18 then in all honesty I’d just not consider moving in together until the kids have left home.

Nothing to stop them coming back for visits etc but much much less stressful than trying to all live together through teenage years….

Don’t move in together while children’s are still at home, no one will be happy with such differences

I agree with @Wildhorses2244 - I would avoid moving in together and blending families until all the kids are adults. Otherwise I think you are right that this could cause problems between you.

You need to stop seeing your partners parenting style as being wrong and yours as right for a start.
You threw something of the child’s away then you need to apologise. Yes they may need to take responsibility too for leaving it there but the responsibility would be joint imo and they are only 13. They are also allowed to be upset about it.
I think you should continue to parent separately tbh and be actually respectful of each others parenting styles and just be glad you don’t have children together to clash over.

I also agree with this.

There's no way my mum would have allowed me to roll my eyes, huff around and give the silent treatment to my stepdad. Especially not for something that was just as much my mistake!

Imagine what she'll be like as the teen years really kick in..

Thanks for the input everyone. There's some really solid advice there.

In every area we communicate really well.
After bad past experiences we both came to this relationship intent on being open and honest...But in my past relatioship I was often accused of being "too honest" and my thoughts weren't always received as they were intended.
I want to get this right but also ensure im not overthinking it as someone mentioned.

Someone mentioned about me seeing her style as wrong and mine as right...just for clarity, that (in the most part) couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, it's the other way round. She has softened me, she's brought way more fun and excitement into my relationship with my kids and in many ways I wish she'd have been around for my kids earlier. It's just this one area, of preparing them for the real world and not allowing their emotions to run the show, where we differ.
Young men and women that allow their emotions to run untethered without concern for the impact on others are not healthy parts of society and I want all our kids to grow up to be good people that can control their emotions appropriately and can understand when/why that's important.

Holding off living together is maybe a good point but, we are long distance so that adds another dimension of strain to the mix.

Lots of food for thought. Thanks so much for the input everyone.

And PS. Obviously there will be an apology for throwing the item out. We are both massive advocates of admitting when we're wrong and showing the kids it's OK to say sorry.

Have a great Christmas everyone.