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Step-parenting

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Original poster

PFB

23 replies

halfthesun · 22/12/2023 22:29

Absolutely fine to tell me I am upset for no reason. I have two grown sons. Step daughter here with her son / five months old. I took him, baby G around the house to meet my son, cat and in reality give lovely mum a break.

Five minutes later my DH tells me his daughter is anxious and needs son G returned. Just feel a little bit not good enough. Tbh gorgeous baby G was laughing and absurdly delighted with cat and situation!! So am I being silly Daffodil

OP posts:
Grilly · 22/12/2023 23:10

You are upset for no reason. You don’t take a young baby away from its mother without asking.

elcee23 · 23/12/2023 00:13

Is this her first baby? I suffered from severe anxiety when both my children were born and with the first in particular found it really difficult to relax when we had her out places. I was always on high alert for small things, for example, like her being held correctly so her nasal passages were free and her head wasn't bent too far forward (which I wasn't in control of if not holding her.)

Please know this is very likely not about you at all. I even struggled letting my daughter go to people I trusted 100% and who had raised their own babies and who knew way more than I did. Sharing all this with you so that you can see what could possibly be happening in her mind that has nothing at all to do with her trust in you. The hormones will be wreaking havoc in her mind and body just now and she may just need some time to relax into motherhood or she may be suffering from anxiety so keep a supportive eye out for other signs and maybe just try to go at her pace when it comes to letting go of the hyper vigilance.

Original poster
halfthesun · 23/12/2023 08:27

Thank you both for your responses - genuinely helpful Daffodil

OP posts:
yogpot · 23/12/2023 08:29

I got stressed and upset when my husband took our newborn to have a nappy change whilst at my SILs house. It’s not you, it’s just for some of us who are feeling anxious, having our little baby out of sight makes that feeling much worse. Don’t make it about you, I’m sure you’re a lovely grandma. Maybe get your husband to check in with his daughter she may be suffering from some anxiety.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 23/12/2023 08:30

It's about her not you.
She's a new mum and going through lots of emotional upheaval. Support and listen. It'll all settle down as it does for most.

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 23/12/2023 08:37

My MIL was always taking my babies away from me "to give me a break." I hated it. A break would have been a chance to sit and cuddle my babies uninterrupted by other demands on my time.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 09:38

You were kind and did nothing wrong but asking the Mum how best to help is the way to go.

MsPavlichenko · 23/12/2023 09:44

When I took my first baby home(32 now)we had various visitors. My lovely late MIL held him for a few minutes whilst standing. I could see her. Nevertheless I was consumed with anxiety that she ( mother of four) might drop him. I went over and took him back! Makes me laugh now of course.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2023 09:48

PFB is such a nasty dismissive criticism/insult. You should have asked before taking the baby for a walk, she may not have wanted what you’d consider “a break”. It’s not about you or you not being good enough. She likes her baby near her, that’s normal and I feel that as much with my second as my first. If you’re respectful and considerate she may relax a bit more. If you dismiss her she definitely won’t.

StBrides · 23/12/2023 09:51

Oh my goodness, you don't do this. I know you meant well but you don't take a baby (or toddler) away from mum, even in the same house, without her permission (and don't put her on the spot to get it)

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/12/2023 09:55

I don't think you were wanting to give the mum a break, truly and honestly - I think you wanted to enjoy your alone time with the baby.

Giving the mum "a break" would be making her a cup of tea, even cooking her a lasagne to take home or putting a load of washing on for her.

Unless a mum is very depressed, it's not her baby she needs a break from. It's all her other chores.

I'm not saying you ought to give her a break. Just don't use that as an excuse for taking baby off for cuddles.

LaurieStrode · 23/12/2023 10:22

StBrides · 23/12/2023 09:51

Oh my goodness, you don't do this. I know you meant well but you don't take a baby (or toddler) away from mum, even in the same house, without her permission (and don't put her on the spot to get it)

It's not as though she kidnapped the child; she walked through the house with it. And it's five months, not five days old. The mother is being ridiculous.

I'd take note and not be providing any babysitting or other services, OP.

LaurieStrode · 23/12/2023 10:25

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/12/2023 09:55

I don't think you were wanting to give the mum a break, truly and honestly - I think you wanted to enjoy your alone time with the baby.

Giving the mum "a break" would be making her a cup of tea, even cooking her a lasagne to take home or putting a load of washing on for her.

Unless a mum is very depressed, it's not her baby she needs a break from. It's all her other chores.

I'm not saying you ought to give her a break. Just don't use that as an excuse for taking baby off for cuddles.

Come on. The child is five months old, not newborn. If its mother can't keep up with her housework, that's her problem.

So tired of the notion that everyone must become servants to people who produce offspring.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2023 10:26

It depends

Did you say to DIL is it ok if I take Gary off for a little walk? Did she say yes gladly or was she on the dge of tears saying if you must and you insisted?

Did she call for him back and you ignored her because you decided you knew best or was she happily napping or catching up on her phone?
When you went back to her house was she? Did you connect on the fact she was feeling anxious? Was she or was DH exaggerating because he doesn't like you having a bond?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2023 10:28

Not enough babies are called Gary these days.

FloweryName · 23/12/2023 10:33

What do you mean a little bit is not good enough?

New mums get upset for all sorts of seemingly irrational reasons, but they come from an instinctive need to protect their newborn. You shouldn’t have gone wandering off with the baby and should be more mindful of the new mums feelings.

I can remember crying my eyes out when I had my pfb and family came to visit. They all passed him around so everyone could have a cuddle, as would normally happen when family come to meet a new baby but I hated it and I was right there with my baby in sight the whole time. It was totally irrational but also totally understandable. It was not a reflection on any of the family members that held my baby.

gotomomo · 23/12/2023 10:36

At 5 months that's quite worrying - does she have pnd? Most mums by 5 months will be only too grateful to have a few minutes sitting without their child whilst they are still in the house with another person.

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/12/2023 10:50

LaurieStrode · 23/12/2023 10:25

Come on. The child is five months old, not newborn. If its mother can't keep up with her housework, that's her problem.

So tired of the notion that everyone must become servants to people who produce offspring.

Show quote history

I literally wrote she doesn't have to give the mum a break.

No one said this mum can't keep up with her housework. Op said she wanted to give her a break. I'm sorry you seem to be confused

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/12/2023 10:52

I can't see how anyone could read my comment as meaning "everyone should become servants to people with offspring". What ridiculous hyperbole - I seem to have touched some kind of nerve, goodness knows how.

SemperIdem · 23/12/2023 19:44

It’s not about you not being good enough, honestly.

When my daughter was a newborn, I visited somewhere with my mum and the baby, where quite a few people in the building knew us both. I turned my back and she’d walked off with the baby, to show her to someone she’d spotted.

Now this is my own mum, really close relationship, no logical reason to be worried. I was internally panic stricken, had to work very hard at remaining calm outwardly because I knew it wasn’t a rational response but I couldn’t calm down until I’d located my baby again.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 19:46

Nobody should make any assumptions about how the dm in this situation feels. At 5 months old dgc was sleeping at our home 2 nights every week at dil's request.. You did nothing wrong as long as she knew where you both were all along..

MerryChristmasToYou · 23/12/2023 19:49

You did nothing wrong OP, but the maternal instincts can be strong, and your SD didn't like you doing what you did. Ask before you do anything similar.
Nobody is being silly.

Friedfriedplantain · 24/12/2023 21:38

If its mother can't keep up with her housework, that's her problem.

So fucking nasty.

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