How do you manage

[SemperIdem]

How do you manage blended family life when your step children’s mum holds none of the same values as you?

My step children are lovely kids, they’re home with us 50% of the time.

Their mum doesn’t value education, rules, boundaries. It really shows in their behaviours they come back to us semi feral, she undermines their father consistently, especially with the eldest. She uses the eldest as a babysitter for her baby with her partner, keeping her off school to “help”.

I parent my child so differently, her dad is on the same page, it’s really hard to reconcile how differently my partner and his ex co-parent. It isn’t amicable at all for them.

I love them but it’s exhausting, there is always something.

It took a while but over time my stepkids learned the different rules and boundaries in our households over. It took DH and I being very consistent in our approach, still tiring though. You can't control what happens at their mum's so you just need to make sure that your expectations are clear and consistent in your home. We even sat down all together at one point and wrote down some family rules that we had all decided on. It's not perfect too the time but they are generally pretty well behaved now while their mum posts videos of them on social media showing them swearing ans smashing up things and generally being pretty wild and doing things they would never do at ours.

We now have full time residency though and they go to see their mum EOW so that gives us a bit of an advantage when it comes to managing and influencing their behaviour.

I would honestly rather we had the children more than the 50% arrangement currently in place.

Their mum discourages everything positive we try to do, be it extracurricular activities of any kind, reading/boardgames rather than screen time. My worst nightmare is them being with us less.

There have been issues around the older two being jealous of the extracurriculars my daughter does. Those are paid for by me or her dad, she doesn’t financially benefit from partner in that way. My step children’s mum won’t take them to anything, even pre-paid activities.

If she is stopping the children going to school could you try and get more than 50:50?

If she’s stopping them going to school I agree I’d be recording all the times they don’t go to school on “her time” and trying for more than 50/50 it sounds like it would be best for the kids in the long run.

You sound like a great step mum

What ages are they?

Has your DH considered increasing his time?

The casual approach to school is really worrying.

But as @Dawndayda says, just keep your boundaries at your house. Structure is so important for children.

Not going to school was actually a part of the reason that we ended up with full time residency (she also discouraged any clubs as well) so it may well be worth going back to court.

I tore into their Mum about absences when we got to 15 because here they count towards getting a place in a decent high school. And both DH and I are very black and white about education.

It helped that all of the kids were at the same school. I also made sure the DSC understood that education was for their benefit so they had to give it their best shot.

Primary - High school in age.

I’ve spoken with my partner about it often and he is getting better at challenging their mum’s poor behaviour but it’s really hard to see happening.

I have quite high standards for my child, and they are my family too, I want them to have the best shot at life, all the same opportunities to reach their full potential and their mum just isn’t interested in any of it. The youngest is very close in age to mine and keenly feels the missing out on extracurriculars, could be absolutely brilliant at one but only goes half the time.

You have to detach a bit and accept that both their parents have a right to parent how they want. It's annoying if you're trying to provide opportunity but if mum wants to stop that then she can on her time.

It’s normal for kids to claim the other parent lets them do whatever the hell they want. “We don’t have a bed time at Dad’s/Dad doesn’t make us tidy our room/Dad let’s us stay up all night drinking and vaping/Dad let’s us have Dominos pizza every night”. I’d take it with a pinch of salt, and just make sure they abide by your rules when they’re with you. That’s all you can do.

At festivepains has given good advice.

The only thing I would advise their dad to do is keep written records so he can show them when they are older that it wasn't him that stopped them doing stuff like their younger half-sibling.

There have been instances amongst my family and friends were some siblings - which includes full siblings - as adults have complained they weren't given the same/similar opportunities to their other sibling(s) when they categorically were. While there aren't records in all cases there are various more neutral adults who can tell them to stop with their BS.

Not when a child is being kept from attending school it's not. That's a reason to involve social services and push for full residency. Obviously with ironclad documentation.

@festivepains

I know you’re right re extracurriculars. It’s just hard to watch them being parented in the most disengaged, lazy way. It’s not about money, their dad would pay. She just can’t be bothered to take them. It’s sad, really.

I can’t see how not sending them to school can be ignored though. It’s impacting the eldest the most, because they can be a “help” with the baby sibling.

I have talked with him about going for more custody on more than one occasion. I think ultimately we will get to a point where he knows he must and it will happen.

I am glad that my exh and I are on the same page when it comes to promoting education and providing opportunities to our child. It means we can co-parent very amicably. I wouldn’t hesitate to seek a greater share of custody if that was not the case.

That’s very simple. I’d resolve the issue by setting out the boundaries, parental styles, visits, extra curriculum activities etc in a c100 form. You can fill it up online psy I think less than £200 and let the judge adjudicate a court order. This type of proceeding ( amicable or not) does not cake longer than 2 months.

C100 form can be found here: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

good luck 🙏😘

I’d resolve the issue by setting out the boundaries, parental styles, visits, extra curriculum activities etc in a c100 form

@LondonUdi you clearly don't have a partner or know anyone who has been to Family Court. They aren't there to resolve differences in the things you have listed.

No parent can be made to take their child to extra curriculum activities if they don't want to let alone ones the child's other parent has booked. There are also different ways of parenting children so boundaries are just classed as a different in parenting styled.

Even if the OP's partner can get school and then social services involved with their child missing school, the partner would still have a fight on their hands.