Anxious about contact increasing

[QuartzJelly]

Has been a nightmare of a year. We used to have 11yo DSD 50:50 (week on week off), I have younger DD and DS (DH is their father).
DH and ex had a big falling out in the run up to DSD starting secondary, as they couldn't agree on arrangements. Ex was withholding DSD for quite a while, and we've only recently started regular contract again (one evening a week and every other Saturday). Now with the school holidays coming, ex is asking for DH to have DSD for one week in the holidays, and they have plans to revisit DSD contact in the new year. DSD isn't bothered either way about holiday plans and just wants it arranged so she gets presents at both homes asap.

I've been married to DH for 7 years (ex left DH for OM when DSD was very small). I have been through absolute hell trying to make everything work for the family - it has been a huge amount of stress and compromise, with loads of behavioural issues (imo) as a result of 50:50.

My children were absolutely devastated when ex started withholding DSD, really struggled at home and at school. As far as I can tell, DSD isn't that bothered as she is quite happy at either home. Things have only just settled into the current pattern. But now DH is keen to have DSD more again (which he was always pushing for) and DSD mum has started to relent on withholding her as DH didn't do what she had demanded.

But I'm just really worried about the impact on my children. First of all I'm worried how it will be to have DSD for a week and have her leave (this was always really hard for them when we had 50:50, and is likely going to be even more hard now that she isn't leaving and coming back in a week for a week as she used to).

I just feel like there is all this talk about what's best for DSD, even though I'm honestly not sure 50:50 was working well (things were getting missed/no consistent boundaries). It seems to me more about what works for the adults (ex now she has stopped punishing DH). But there is no thought at all about the impact all of this has had on my younger children, who have had no choice at all in the situation and have really struggled as a result. I just don't want more upheaval and more change, especially as DSD doesn't seem to have even expressed a view about it.

What would you do/say to DH in this situation?

You can't stop him seeing his daughter more, That would be incredibly unreasonable. I understand what you're saying about the possible impact on your kids, but they have both their parents in a stable home. DSD might not display any repercussions of her parents being split, but it will be in there somewhere. Don't make it uncomfortable for anyone for her to be there. It's her other home, not just somewhere she visits.

I appreciate we all want our children to be happy. Unfortunately this isn't possible without it it impacting someone.

Personally I would manage the impact within the children who are with their parents than a child who is between their parents. There is no happy solution

Your dh is right to prioritise his relationship with his daughter over concerns as these can be managed with support from you both. His daughter won't have that advantage

@WhamBamThankU I've never made it uncomfortable to be here, I've honestly done most of her parenting for the past 7 years.

Look, the thing that isn't said enough is that 50/50 is hard on everyone. Hard on the DCs, hard on the parents, hard on any new partners, hard on any other children around the SC relationship.

You've had a while where it's been not hard and you're not keen to go back to hard. That's perfectly understandable. However, while it's OK to feel the way you feel, you would be incredibly unreasonable to express any of this to a DH who just wants to see their kid more.

@Marblessolveeverything I think my issue is that I am not sure if the original arrangement was better for DSD or if it would actually make her happy. I think they would all be fine with whatever was agreed as long as it was consistent, it's the chopping and changing that I'm most worried about as this has definitely had a greater impact on my kids than my DSD.

@LaviniasBigBloomers it definitely has been extremely hard, as my DC have grown up used to having DSD here 50:50 and took a long time to adapt to the uncertainty when she was being kept away, and only now settled into the pattern they recently put in place.

I think part of my fear is that as ex knows DH really wants to see DSD more she will just send her when it's convenient (e.g. in the holidays when she needs to work) and stop contact again when she feels like it. It's all feeling very unpredictable and all the kids need stability.

I would run with the Christmas week - make it a family visitor to your dc.

Then I would say to DH that you are happy to have DSD more, BUT for the sake of everyone Inc the younger kids you would like him to formalise the pattern through the court so that the everyone knows where they are at and things cannot be changed at anyones whim. I think this would benefit dsd too as being stuck between her parents cannot be a good place for her.

@LittleOwl153 I think that is a good idea. I do think that I need reassurance in some form that any further changes will be set in stone. Some kind of formal agreement which is signed by both parents.

I'm not going to influence DHs contact with DSD, I never have, but I do struggle with my own DC wellbeing being impacted on a whim by DSD mum. From DSD perspective she is just spending more time with mum and not too bothered about seeing my DC less, whereas for my DC they feel like there is a big hole in their family and have had to adapt to that.

I'm honestly not sure I am cut out for this. I did so much for so many years to make a home for DSD and keep her as an equal part of the family/not differentiate between the 3 children. But all of my kindness and care has come back to bite me in the worst way by my own children being hurt. DSD has always had another home where she is centre of attention and she is currently there. My kids had one family and she has always been a big part of it - after all of the favours I have done for DSD mum over the years she is willing to pull apart my children's family to prove a point. After all of the effort I made to make DSD a central part in mine and my children's lives. It's just so selfish that I cannot bear it and I'm not really able to trust that it won't happen again.

it definitely isn’t said often enough how disruptive and hard 50-50 is for everyone. Including the child who lives an entirely itinerant life with no place that is really home. There’s just mum’s house and dad’s house and the child is shifted between them, and has to play along with the ‘two homes’ myth to keep their parents happy.

I grew up with divorced parents. EOW was disruptive enough - and made it so hard to see my friends at the weekend. The thought of having to switch between houses during the week and have a mix of different travel arrangements for school/keep leaving stuff I needed at the other parent’s house would have been abysmal.

Crucially, I’d have had to hide my feeling about it all because it would upset my parents and I’d feel bad for just wanting stability.

All this ‘it’s much better that the children who live with both parents suffer’ stuff is dreadful too. Really awful (and plays into the general MN attitude that second family children matter less). These are children who have never known a stable home. They have always had a home where a half sibling comes and goes. This is not easy and they are not more privileged than the other child.

Finding a contact arrangement that meets all the children’s needs is important. It cannot all be about the SC (or the SC’s parents’ feelings/preferences).

If you want it set in stone- then this is just not going to happen. The best contact arrangements are those that are flexible on all sides with no one taking the piss.

The person flexibility suits the most is the child.

@uneffingbelievable thanks for understanding. You are right that it has never been a stable home. I had hoped that as my children would grow up with DSD being here 50:50 it would just be normal to them. But it really wasn't - it was a huge struggle to get them to accept her leaving and they missed her so much. Especially in holidays where we had her more then she left. It isn't like being DSD who goes from having quality time with one parent one the week, and quality time with the other the next week. For them it was like part of their family was missing for half of the time. I did everything I could to make everything work for everyone. It was a huge amount of compromise and I truly felt it was for the best. But the way DH ex has acted has almost made me regret making such an effort, and honestly doing a lot of the parenting she should have been doing over the years!

I agree that flexibility is important. But it needs to have a basis in a consistent arrangement that isn't just going to be completely withdrawn when ex feels like it. I can't have my children unsettled like this again.

In your situation I would have a serious chat with DH. It’s not right that you are doing all the parenting while she is with you. I’m sure his ex is really annoyed by that too. I’d be ok to send my child to her dads if he parented her but if he didn’t, I’d be thinking well what’s the point???

50-50 where dad leaves the parenting to you is not acceptable. He either needs to step up or there needs to be a different arrangement. Either way, you will be able to focus on your own children more which is the right and appropriate thing to do.

I think I'd be looking at getting DSD to talk to someone independent (child psychologist or social worker or school counsellor maybe) to work out what DSD wants. Does she want it to be 50/50? Maybe she prefers EOW because she has more stability that way? None of the posts have asked what does DSD want.

@ughChristmas yes I agree with you. I actually think she might talk to me about it as I'm not either of her parents and I know she would want to keep them happy. But in this situation it would need to be someone further distanced, maybe her uncle who she sees regularly.

DSD has never expressed an opinion about contact arrangements in the time I have known her, including when given options in holidays/over lockdown.

The easiest thing to do would be for an adult to ask her if she was happier before, or now. And would she like things to be as they were, or somewhere in-between.

But that is something that her parents would need to arrange and I am not sure if they will. I don't want to stick my oar in.

@ughChristmas I didn't focus on what DSD wants in posts as I think to a degree if she doesn't have an opinion, it should be for her parents to make a sensible decision in her best interests. And I have also spent a long time centering DSD feelings, sometimes I now wonder if that was to the detriment of my own children. I want DSD to be happy, but also want stability for all children.

I understand it's not straight forward and your own children matter too. They are just as important.

I wonder if DSD doesn't have an opinion because she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings? That's often the case with children.

You shouldn't be doing the bulk of the parenting of her while she is with you though.

@ughChristmas I agree I should not be doing so much parenting.

The one positive of this nightmare situation is that DSDs mum has taken a more active role in parenting, which must be a good thing for DSD.

I think both parents need to think carefully about what is best for the children involved rather than what works for them.