17yr son doesnt like BF of 7 yrs

[CookieD]

I have two children, boy 17, girl 7. I split from their dad 7 years ago. It was a toxic abusive relationship. My son has a difficult relationship with his dad because of how he can be. I met my current partner 1 year after splitting with their dad. We still dont live together. He is fantastic with my daughter and she loves him and is totally different to their dad-a good man! But my son doesnt like him. He wont spend any time with him, refuses to participate in anything we do together. Ive held off merging out lives together because I know my son will be rude and disrespectful to my partner which isnt fair and also im scared of being forced to choose (not by my partner btw) and having to lose my partner. Im having challenges with my son now, dropped out of college, isnt doing anything, lazy, untidy, smoking weed, no respect for the home etc. Im at my wits end. Im also still struggling as a single parent even though our lives would vastly improve if we moved into my partners home and lived as a unit. Hes doing really well in life and has a much bigger house than ours. I want to live my life, be happy and have a family unit which me, my partner and my daughter have but I always feel guilty about my son even though he excludes himself. Ive spoken many times about what his issue is with my partner and he hasnt got any clear explanation other than to say hes weird. He isnt weird, he just isnt from our background, was raised to be a good person and is straight laced. I dont know what to do anymore as im starting to resent my son (and then i feel guilty about feeling that way). Due to sons behaviour i asked his dad if he could stay there, his dad is very strict and wouldnt let him get away with all of this, my son would likely to refuse to go and his dad said no as son has no respect for him and doesnt listen. I love my son, but im tired of his selfish behaviour, hes nearly an adult and i dont know how much longer i can put my life on hold. What would you do in this situation because i am lost????

Sounds very hard.

Is there room for your son at your partners?

Does your partner get very involved in parenting your son?

I would say at 17 your son is almost an adult and you can give him a choice.

You can sit him down, find out exact what it is that he doesn't like about your partner then move forward by saying you would like for him and his sister to move in with you and there will always be a room for him there and your partner will not get involved in parenting him but will not tolerate disrespect.

You can let him choose OP, but make it clear the door is always open for him to come and live with you there.

Thats good advice, i think this is what i have been thinking but hate to think of him not living with me, even if its his choice. My partner doesnt get involved with parenting him but does find it difficult to see him behave the way he does with me as he comes from a much more traditional sort of upbringing. Its so hard to know what the right thing is, it'll feel like a choosing one over the other no matter what i do

Your son is really struggling, maybe he's been really struggling since the break up or even before if he was raised in a toxic and abusive relationship. Expecting him to go to his dads so you can be a happy family without him is so sad. He's obviously completely lost and really needs support and help in finding his feet again.
Why does he have to like your partner? He's not related and he didn't get to pick him. Why did you stay in a relationship with someone you knew your son didn't like? He probably wasn't ready to see his mum in a new relationship. I feel terrible for him, he's still a child.

You need to have a serious conversation with your ex about your son’s lack of direction and poor attitude, and make a plan for what happens next. Is he likely to go back to education? If not, he needs a job or apprenticeship.

Would your boyfriend even allow your son to move into his?