Help to not end up arguing.

[Plankingplanks]

Hi all ,

I have 3 DS and DH has 1DD, DD doesn't live with us. She is the same age as my DS2 so 17. My DS is in college, his DD didn't bother going in for 2 weeks and got kicked off the course so is currently doing nothing. DH doesn't appear to get angry with her about this.

DS has taken something from our room (not and expensive item). I'm pissed off about it and plan to have a frank conversation with him when I see him as he is at college. DH is also really pissed off but much more visibly so than I am, as I am just thinking about the best way to deal with it and planning that.

I went downstairs and DH was quite accusatory asking "are you not angry"? I said, of course I am, but there's no point getting worked up now, he's at his dad's for the weekend and I'm planning what to say to him.

DH replied "you don't seem angry". Which pissed me off. I said I don't have to seem angry, I am. He then started going on and on "do you think it's ok?" "Do you thinks he can get away with it?" I walked away.

DH then came upstairs and I reiterated that I am angry but I didn't want to spend all day angry and argue. To which he started denying that he had been argumentative downstairs and that he now can't have a conversation with me about the children.

I snapped at him that he doesn't seem angry about his daughter bumming around doing nothing and at least my DS goes to college. This was wrong I know but it is also true and it really pisses me off that I have to come down on my boys like a ton of bricks and yet his daughter gets away with everything.

He said I always bring his DD into it when we argue about kids, and he's right, I do, but only because he seems to hold my kids to a different standard to his DD. How do I stop this happening every time? DD lives 2 hours away but stays with us often. He says as she doesn't live here he can't do anything about it. I think he needs to let me deal with DS in my own way, which clearly works better than his as all my kids go to school/work.

You are right -you deal with your child. if it is something out of your room then he ahs a right to be angry and leave you to deal with it.

As you your final comment - you do not come across as quite superior /arrogant and judgemental - is this relationship going to last?

Sorry you do come across as quite superior and arrogant - not you don't

Gently I can see both sides of why this discussion today has been so frustrating. From DH point of view, DS has come into you & your husbands shared space & taken something that (I assume) belongs to you both, so DH feels personally wronged.

DSD on the other hand has acted like a bum & messed up her education, but this isn’t a personal slight against you, so he probably can’t really see why it was bought up in the same context as DH taking things that aren’t his.

i take it as DH wants validation that DS has behaved badly in a way that has had an effect on DH, but he doesn’t feel DSD has personally wronged you in the same way by messing up college (though i appreciate its bloody annoying if she’s mooching about the house & being funded from you & DH’s shared finances, that’s another conversation though).

it does build up & its really frustrating especially if DH isn’t the resident parent, he’s probably prone to ‘go lightly’ on his DD but expects higher standards from your DC because he lives with them, is that more what this is about at the root of the problem with todays disagreement?

@ChampagneBlossom44 I think you are right. He does go lightly on his daughter as he seems to be scared of upsetting her, whereas I'm supposed to always challenge my kids on every little thing.

He never gets angry with his daughter but I'm supposed to get angry all the time with mine. On this occasion I am really annoyed but I'm trying to work out the best way to approach the subject and I know that anger is not the correct approach. Plus son isn't here so what is the point of getting angry now.

@uneffingbelievable I see where you are coming from, and I may have worded that incorrectly, unfortunately I'm frustrated as hell.

My DS is in college, his DD didn't bother going in for 2 weeks and got kicked off the course so is currently doing nothing. DH doesn't appear to get angry with her about this.

Why do you care if his daughter is going to school or not? How does this impact you?

It does affect me. Her Mum cannot claim child benefit anymore so apparently DH has agreed to pay an extra £100 a month to cover it. Also guess who has had to attend all the meetings with the college and career service because DH and his ex are not confident doing it?

What does he bring to your sons' lives apart from anger? Do they even like him?

Paying an additional £100 for his child doesn't seem like a big deal, it is his child after all.

As for the meetings, stop being a martyr. You absolutely do not have to attend them, and it's baffling why you ever agreed to do so in the first place. Your husband and his ex not being "confident" enough is not your problem. They are adults, they are the parents, they attend the meetings.

I do the meetings because I want the best for her. I don't have to but she asks me to so I do.

Kids and DH get on fine, and he brings a lot to their lives, it's just that when they do something wrong in his eyes he always wants me to deal with it, even if I don't think they have done anything wrong.

Totally wrong you bringing up his daughter in arguments. Clearly your own kids have problems especially if they think it's ok to take something and now your picking on every little thing

@Ladyj84 ypu think anger is the only way I can deal with my son? I didn't say my son had done nothing wrong, I am pissed off about, but I don't have to be angry.

I brought up his daughter because that was a perfect example of when he really should have been angry and yet didn't even confront her about it! Hence I don't have to be angry just because he thinks I should.

You sound like a caring step-parent. It is really sad that neither of the girl's parents are involved with her education.

I rather agree with you that there seem to be double standards. It is something that you and your partner should talk about when you're both feeling calmer.

It is no good his being a Disney Dad with his daughter but enforcing rules strictly with your son's.

I do think it's best when parents rather than step-parents tackle the big stuff. But if you're together you should have shared values and be able to back one another up....

In real life rather than mumsnet life I'd think the majority of people would be frustrated if their children have to be held to a different standard than their DH's and also to be told how they should and shouldn't display anger!

Of course it's not ideal to bring his DD up in every argument over the kids but when you're defending yourself and your own children this is completely understandable.

Have you spoken about the discrepancies when you're not in argument? I would assume you have but could you try again, apologise for bringing his daughter in to this argument but he firm that you won't be dictated to on how you show anger and that before he kicks off with you he at least needs to give you an opportunity to deal with it.

@Plankingplanks I wouldn't attend the meetings by yourself. How can they expect to gain confidence if they pass the buck to you. I would ask one to attend. Don't make that your job. Can you you not discuss college with his daughter?

If DD is not at college she should be working. Then she can make up the shortfall. Or at least meet her mum and dad halfway. Things have consequences.

It's all about challenging things. They don't have to be the norm and you be cross. If he feels ok challenging your son (and I would be annoyed too if something went missing) then you can challenge his daughter about her behaviour surely?

Thank you @scrunch22. Yes we have discussed it before and funnily he uses the same side of the argument that I am now , that there is no point showing DD his anger, he would rather work out how to approach it!! But the difference is he then just doesn't do anything!

I do feel like my kids are held to a different standard to his. Also I know his daughter can be a little shit sometimes (her mum tells me) but because she doesn't live with us and is only like it to her mum he doesn't get involved.

@stomachameleon you are right and sometimes he will attend but her mum never does. I've done all the school parents evenings for years!

She is now looking for apprenticeships, well her and I are together, however DH has decided that he will pay this additional money until she is 19 even if she is earning £10k a year. That is fine, I want the best for her and her mum is skint, however I it does rub a little if I'm honest!

Stand up for your sons OP.

He sounds like a lazy useless father to his daughter and a bully to both you and your son's.

There should only be ONE standard in the house.

It is not his business to be a bully interfering in your sons rearing when he is such a shit father who can't figure out a teacher parent meeting.

Far easier to bully you and have a go at your parenting than to parent his own daughter.

He sounds like an awful loser.

Stand your ground.
I wonder what your sons really think of him.