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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Constant frustration

14 replies

redvelvet77 · 06/12/2023 20:13

Is anyone's partner so desperate of any form of relationship with their children that they allow themselves to be so disrespected by their child?

My partners children are vile to him and he says nothing. They are late teens so know better. He then feels sorry for himself their relationship is near to non existent. They just ask him for money ALL the time.

OP posts:

socks1107 · 06/12/2023 20:31

Until recently yes, but he's finally snapped/

I stepped away and let him deal with it as me in the mix made tensions worse. Without me getting involved he saw it for himself as I stopped trying to protect him

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 06/12/2023 20:33

How long did it take from them to finally snap?

OP posts:

socks1107 · 06/12/2023 21:25

A long time, late teens now. And it was actually them that behaved horribly then cut contact because we wouldn't tolerate the behaviour , but my husband is now recognising what was going on for a long time and it's hard on him. It's not easy

LeakyRain · 07/12/2023 13:54

I think a lot depends on their history.

You say their relationship is near to non-existent, why don't they see him?

Yes, late teens should know better but they weren't always late teens, what was their relationship like through out the rest of their teenage years?

NiceUnusualDifferent · 07/12/2023 14:42

I think my DCs dad's girlfriend would say the same. Shame she only has his version of what's happened rather than an accurate one

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 07/12/2023 18:38

They found about an affair he'd had when he was still married to their mum. She had an affair also. They both stayed for the children but damaged them in the process.

Eldest has no respect for him. Calls him all names and in next sentence asks for money. He is so desperate for anything he gives money.

OP posts:

Wonderingforever · 09/12/2023 00:03

Well yeah that ll do it.

They don't respect him but think he owes them a certain level of support as their parent. And since they lived with their parents they will have formed their own opinions of him as a person and a parent.

Affairs have consequences, especially when children are involved. My father had one, my parents stayed together. I love him but I don't respect him. I remember how he treated my mother during that time. It completely changed my view of him as a person and it never really recovered. I was an adult.

Teens have even less ability to deal with situations like that.

He is afraid they will cut him out completely which is understandable.

Has he spoken them openly about their anger at him?

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 12/12/2023 23:30

More issues with the other step child now...

Thought they saw another woman's name on their dad's phone and told their sibling.

Sibling tells me. I say I think they're playing a sick game with me as it's not true.

Step child takes offence and now doesn't want to see me.

Apart from run what do I do in this situation please?

OP posts:

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 12:01

Don’t feed into the drama. Say “thanks for telling me” then discuss it in private with your husband. Limit your contact with them (how old are they?) and keep out of it.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 13/12/2023 13:06

@Crababbles they are 19 and 15

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 16/12/2023 09:50

Yes, similar in my case.

They treat him like an absolute servant and barely speak to him while in the room, but completely all over him for money and asking for expensive things.

Different background / circumstances - exW had been violent to DP for a decade, after he eventually left she even tried again (attacked him in front of their daughter when he was collecting them 2 years after the split, this time he eventually went to the police and she got a caution...).
No matter, the kids are completely in 'her camp' as such, so sad that she's turned them against their father, at least she could have kept the fucked up edness between the 2 of them...
DSS then started hitting DP himself, of course DP minimised it.

Money wise even it's a similarly uneven situation, DP pays all their costs and spousal maintenance for life (different jurisdiction), exW doesn't work tho kids are 14 and almost 18.

I can try and forget about the past but seeing them treat him so contemptuously while getting him to do everything for them, and ask for everything on a plate is so sad. I think it would be if I witnessed it with anyone, let alone that I love DP.

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:09

Aw that sounds hard

givenupcaring92 · 19/12/2023 20:08

i dont really understand my husbands relationship with his children. he was a single dad for 10 years and raised 3 boys... i know he worked hard to provide for them and when we met these boys were adults, they had no work ethic, lied, were lazy and had no respect for their dad. he has very little contact with them, and when i ask him about this, he says 'its just how we are'. no matter what they do, in his eyes they can do no wrong.. they lie to him, they disrespect him, its horrid to watch and he just takes it... all i can put it down to is guilt! he feels guity that they didnt grow up with a mum... ive had to just accept it, leave him too it. most of the time we are ok, but some times its too much and we fight about it. i have daughters and i cannot imagine a day without contact from them...

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 19/12/2023 23:28

@givenupcaring92 you are wise. Yes I have to just accept it. I don't think I could ever be treated like that by my own children either.

I know they must be embarrassed at their awful behaviour deep down. Yes guilt plays a big part in why they allow the constant fall outs and demands.

I try not to think about it but it's difficult when you see someone you love being treated so badly and have to deal with the sadness but at the same time they aren't willing to change it.

OP posts:

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