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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can it work?

28 replies

Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 17:13

Hi 👋

My partner and his Son moved in a year or so ago with me and my daughter. It went pretty well for quite a while.. seemed to all enjoy spending time together and made efforts to blend.

In the last few months we have become increasingly separate and he deals with his kid and me with mine.

Both the kids live with us full time.

I have started to dislike his Son the more I've got to know him. He has no friends at all and seems to create a lot of drama and enemies at school.

He is very clingy around his Dad and at almost 15 it's not right really. He makes things up and lies and I feel terribly but I am really struggling to find anything I like about him. My daughter is slightly younger but has a very busy social life and attends activities outside of school and is increasingly out the house living life.

My SS doesn't go anywhere or do anything, I'm worried for the future now that he may just be a bit of a bum and never move out etc. he is rude to teachers and can't seem to get along with anyone at school.

Ive found myself avoiding him and not wanting to be home when it's just us. I feel really bad and don't know what to do.

My partner doesn't know and I don't think I could tell him but part of me wants them to move out.

My partner knows somethings up but how can I tell him the truth. Feel really stuck.

OP posts:
Livedandlearned · 27/11/2023 17:20

Your daughter is lucky she enjoys school and social activities. Some children don't.

Floofydawg · 27/11/2023 18:42

I think you need to tell him as it'll only get worse the older he gets and the longer it goes on. If you would be happier if they moved out then that's what needed to happen.

I had a similar set-up - outgoing child vs SS who goes nowhere. My 'child' has left home and SS16 is still here but the saving grace is it's not full time and he will go to uni in less than 2 years.

Laurdo · 27/11/2023 19:00

How does your partner deal with his son when he behaves badly? That is the key to knowing whether this will work out or not.

I have 2 16yo DSSs. It's a difficult age. They're lazy, think they're smart when they're not and try to lie their way out of trouble. The reason it's not a big issue in our house is because my DH is very firm with them and doesn't tolerate their bullshit. He calls them out on shitty behaviour and disciplines them accordingly.

I know I don't have to worry about having 2 grown men sponging off us in future because my DH won't tolerate and he's already told them he'll help them fill out a housing application form of they don't like the rules here.

However if your DP doesn't deal with his sons behaviour properly then I'm afraid your resentment towards his son and your DP is just going to get worse.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 19:03

@Floofydawg thanks for reply. SS is definitely not going to uni and tbh it's unlikely he will even be able to hold down a job. He is very happy doing absolutely nothing and I find it worrying that he can't seem to form any friendships. He's not shy at all, I fear it's just his personality people don't jel with and the fact he can be argumentative and agressive for no apparent reason at times.

My partner knows all this about him and is under no delusion. He worries a lot about his future.

I just feel awful basically saying he's your problem and it's not for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 19:10

@Laurdo my partner does give him consequences for lies and bad behaviour but most of his bad behaviour is at school not at home. Although SS doesn't care at all about consequences, another thing I find odd. You can tell him no screens for a week and he will just mope about reading or sleeping.
It's my feelings towards him which are becoming a problem.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 27/11/2023 19:11

I just feel awful basically saying he's your problem and it's not for me.

You shouldn't feel awful - it's a lot to take on, and it's not for everyone.

FloweryName · 27/11/2023 19:16

He’s probably very unhappy and doesn’t feel motivated to do well at school. Moving into someone else’s home with his Dad must have been incredibly hard on him and I don’t think it’s fair for you to compare him with your daughter. She still lives in her own home, not someone else’s.

Livinghappy · 27/11/2023 19:17

I guess the living together has been a successful trial as you know that you are not compatible.

What is the situation with his mum, does SS see her? Where was your partner living before?

It is likely that at 15 he isn't going to dramatically change, especially if he does engage with school which means educationally he may struggle.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 19:41

@FloweryName thanks for reply. He has always had these issues but it's something his Dad thought he would grow out of but it's becoming worse and more noticeable as he gets older. I know I shouldn't compare them, I guess it's hard not too to see the difference between a responsible, active, social child and one who is the basically the opposite. It's the lack of motivation and not seemingly caring about anything which is hard and concerns me for the future. How Dad says he thinks he is incapable and I think he may excuse him with this excuse later down the line when he doesn't get a job, move out etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 19:45

@Livinghappy thanks for reply. He was Living with just his Dad for many years. His Mum is not in picture. Basically walked out when he was 4. Obviously that has had an impact on him. He was and is very on board with the whole living together. He doesn't have any issues with it at all, he enjoys it as I think outside the house he is quite lonely.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 27/11/2023 19:49

You have to like and care about your step kids for it to work, if you can’t, you need to call it promptly. It’s not for everyone and he does sound tricky. They need to move out.

It sounds like you didn’t all get to know each other as well as you should have done. Just don’t let that happen again as it can be damaging for the kids.

If your partner changes your mind, then you and he need to have a conversation about how to work with SS to get him to a better place. Right now he is being failed by his dad by the sound of it.

HVPRN · 27/11/2023 19:55

FloweryName · 27/11/2023 19:16

He’s probably very unhappy and doesn’t feel motivated to do well at school. Moving into someone else’s home with his Dad must have been incredibly hard on him and I don’t think it’s fair for you to compare him with your daughter. She still lives in her own home, not someone else’s.

Yep. The boy has ACEs. His mum left. The new 'step' parent isn't interested either. Children pick up on stuff. He is not attention seeking with his behaviour, he is seeking attention. Connect. Be a better role model. Be positive, say what he can do. Not all children are sociable. Also, the early years has a profound effect on your social-emotional development on who you are later and as you grow. Only when you start to unpick this, can you heal/create new thought processes. So help with his healing. Help him find a Sunday job. Have a family 'night' with board games/computer games - basically group connection. Ask him one positive thing about his day over tea - be met with grumbles at first but make it fun and daft.

Or have the conversation that it's not working. Have them move out and he will find his own path.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 19:59

@theduchessofspork thanks for your reply- to be fair to his Dad he has tried to get him into sports, the gym, football, rugby almost anything but his Sons not interested. As for his social skills there is not much he can do, he seems to look for trouble and drama and make it his business. He has given up trying to get him to do homework, SS just takes the detention and is fine with that. I guess it's tough because I've tried so hard with my daughter and am seeing her thrive and feel like I don't know where to begin with him or if I even want to.

OP posts:
SageLavenderThyme · 27/11/2023 20:02

Has DSS ever had any therapy or psychological support? I could be totally off the mark but is he depressed?

I have known young men who deal with trauma and depression by avoiding everything and lying to keep the peace

Exasperatednow · 27/11/2023 20:05

Ditto what Sage said * *

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 20:05

@HVPRN thanks for reply. I understand what you are saying. It's not what I was expecting and it's not something I would have taken on being totally honest. I think a child with the issues he has needs the unconditional love only a parent can really give.
He did get a Sunday job, quit after a week. We did have lots of family time in this lady year, card nights, movies etc. it's something that's died down recently though. I always ask about his day and show interest. He tells me he's had a really good day and later will find out he's told a teacher to fuck off, got a detention and had a fight! I know obviously he's not going to tell me any of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 20:06

@SageLavenderThyme thanks for reply. He has counselling at school.

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 27/11/2023 20:08

He's looking for attention. We forget that any attention will do, even negative.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/11/2023 20:11

He is 15, you can hardly know third level is off the cards!

He needs support and counselling, at 15 he is peak age where childhood trauma kicks up a notch. So while his mother may not be the picture for years his eyes are opening more to it and he starts to question it more. Children usually blame themselves and play to that narrative.

He needs support to navigate the next stage. Stop comparing him to a child who has her mother and is socially adjusted.

Exasperatednow · 27/11/2023 20:51

What type of counselling? What is his Dad doing?

It's OK for you to realise it's not for you and his Dad needs to access more support for him (whether you are there or not). I'm wondering family therapy? For him and his Dad.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 27/11/2023 22:20

@Exasperatednow thanks for reply
I'm not sure what kind of counselling other than it's at school and weekly.

I'm not sure how to explain this to my partner, it's going to be so hurtful and upsetting for him to hear.
They are not in a financial situation to access family therapy. They have a good relationship and my partner really does try to guide and support him to following healthy routines and gives good advice about school and friendships but it never makes any difference.

OP posts:
SageLavenderThyme · 27/11/2023 23:56

@Rainorshine09

From what you've written it seems likely to me that DSS has some deeper emotional issues underlying his behaviour. It would be easy to say this could be to do with having his mother leave his life at a young age. He sounds like a young man who really needs some proper emotional support - beyond that which his dad can provide. If that is the case, I'm not sure counselling would do it - he would need to see a psychologist at very least. I would worry that without deeper emotional issues being properly addressed, this could become harder for him to address later in life.

As others mentioned, it's not a direct comparison between the two children.

That being said - it's ultimately not your role to drive this.

In terms of the broader situation, from what I've read, blended families take around 7 years to finally find their equilibrium. It sounds to me as if everyone made an effort to blend at the start, but then things kind of reverted to their usual setting. That isn't surprising really as these things take a long time to evolve, which takes a lot of change and reflection along the way - blended family dynamics are so complicated and often not what we expect them to be when we start!

I would have a good think about: what you need to feel comfortable in this situation? and what you are willing to accept within this family setup? Would you be happier if anything specific was done differently, and is that something that could potentially be done differently? Then when you have established that, it would be time to discuss this with your partner - assuming you can identify ways this situation could work for you. If you conclude that there is no real way you could be comfortable or happy as one household, unfortunately yes that would mean discussing either moving out or breaking up.

I feel for you on this as step dynamics are so so hard to navigate.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/11/2023 11:07

@SageLavenderThyme it is really difficult. Like you said it's not how I imagined. I didn't foresee the issues with his Son although he told me about them they all sounded quite minor until I was living with them long term and have realised the implications they will have in the future.
It's also so hard to admit to myself that I don't like him.

I can't think of specifically anything that could change in order for me to feel better.

I also feel like I've put in all the hard work with my daughter and am enjoying seeing her develop into a increasingly independent young woman. She has not had it easy with her Dad, a strained relationship and seeing him suffer with severe mental health issues.
I feel like I don't want to put in the commitment that is needed to help his Son and honestly wouldn't even really know where to start

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 02/12/2023 10:25

It all came to a head last night. I basically said I love him and want to continue our relationship but living apart. It went down very badly, he basically said I'm kicking him out and he has no where to go. Then he got angry and now he's not talking to me. I feel like it's the best thing for everyone just right now feels terrible 😔

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 02/12/2023 10:52

It is the best thing OP.

You are a person too, not just a support human for someone else.