Jealous of my son

[Nexttimewillprobablybethesame]

Married for 10 years. Step mum to DH 3 children. Ages 13, 15, 19.

I have 2 from previous marriage, ages 16 and 21.

We have 1 child together, aged 7.

Everyone has gotten on well over the years, not always been easy, but up until recently I felt we had, relatively successfully, brought our two families together.

Unfortunately however, as the children are getting older, the dynamics are changing and issues which could previously be put down to basic bickering are holding more weight.

The biggest issue that stands out is currently is jealousy of my youngest son. He is naturally academic, sporty, just started college, works part time, and is generally a nice, kind, popular lad.

DH children are not as academic, and despite all attending the same schools, have the same opportunities, same input from both DH and myself, constant reinforcement, all encouraged and facilitated to have their own hobbies and interests, and to take part in extra-curricular activities, none of them are particularly motivated and they are becoming increasingly jealous of my children's academic achievements.

Recently, it is not only DH children who have become increasingly jealous of my children, but so has my DH and I find myself overlooking more and more snarky digs.

As with many step parents I have generally over-compensated with DH children in order to make them feel welcome, loved, etc. On many occasions at the expense of my own children.

We were a joint initiative, working together to put all of the children first.

There are increasingly snide remarks about my children by his children. Most recently, my sons birthday was ignored by his step siblings (DH has previously encouraged all our children buy each other a small, token gift for birthdays)
and they are now actively ignoring him when in the same room.

They continue to engage with me as normal, chatting, hugs, phone calls, days out, mums taxi service, etc. However, I am becoming increasingly concerned as they are outwardly blanking my son while expecting me to sit down and have a chat about their day.

As my DH has similar sentiments, I am concerned that if he doesn't talk through these issues they are only going to get worse.

As any academic divide will only be more evident as the children get older, I am in a position where I am not particularly looking forward to my eldest graduating degree apprenticeship next year, as any achievements of my children are downplayed to save "hurt feelings" on the part of theirs.

That doesn't sound sustainable to me. Sorry but your DS shouldn't have to live in that environment or deal with those kind of feelings towards him. I would have a very serious chat with DH, you need to stand up for your DS hard here.

How often are your DP's 3 kids round OP? Surely the 19 year old doesn't stick to a strict arrangement anymore & may be off to uni themselves?

You need to have a word with your DH as if he enables this behaviour it will only get worse. If it comes from him and his kids see him actively encouraging your son etc. then I'm confident these snide remarks will soon stop...but as usual I feel this is DH problem, not a DSC problem...

I'd stop offering hugs and lifts to any child who snubs your child. If they make him feel unwelcome he might move out. How dare they hug you and snub him under your nose. I'd simply go and chat to your son and ignore the nasty children doing the snubbing until they realise what they are doing is unkind. When your DS passes his degree apprenticeship make a fuss of him, organise for everyone to go out for a family meal. Don't let his hard work.amd achievements get underplayed because his kids don't work as hard.

All children have lived with us since we bought a home together after we married.
My eldest relocated for a degree apprenticeship. DH eldest moved to uni last year but dropped out and moved into Aunts house after a few months (we found out after the fact).
Visits to mums are when it's convenient for her.
All the children were happy initially, they very rarely even bickered in the early days. I think everyone was so committed to "us" working that everyone tried hard to be on their best behaviour.

The older the children get, the more the rivalry is evident.
DH children don't always get along with each other either, but they quickly forgive, forget and move on.
There's increasingly a sense of "my kids" "your kids", when it was always "our kids".
I feel very uncomfortable, and our youngest is stuck in the middle. Any praise I give my children is low-key when we are alone. I don't want anyone to feel inadequate, but my DS is already talking about moving out after college.
I don't want my dislike of the situation turning into bitterness towards DH children, but feel its not too far off that.

You have blended 6 kids together and put them on equal footing with each other when they are not. You are not their mum, they have a mum and close aunt and a dad. Your DC have you, and I take it thier own dad.

Your DC should be your priority, and your DH's DC should be his. Within this the children should be getting what they need from their own parents. Your DC have had to split you 6 ways. It seems like you have done a good job with your own. How the others have turned out is not your problem.

Your SC are bullies enabled by their bully father. Your DC has said they want to move out. Unfortunately he also knows that he cannot do this for 18 months. What a miserable time he is having of it. He may even start toning down his efforts so not to attract attention.

They do it because they can. They are getting away with it. Why haven't you gone ballistic yet? I don't understand why you are throwing your own DC under a bus to keep the peace family wide. Your DH needs reading the riot act and told he either starts acting like an adult or he can leave. If he cared about your DC half as much as you have clearly cared about theirs, he wouldn't be so petty and jealous.

I've done my best to avoid confrontation, but I'm now realising I've set everyone's level of expectation. The expectation is that I do everything for everyone and don't complain when there's a valid complaint to be made, just in case it looks like I'm giving my children preferential treatment.
My children are not close to their dad. He works abroad and visits are sporadic. He doesn't spoil them, there are no expensive Christmas and birthday presents to be jealous of.
It feels like his children have all the benefits of an additional mum, but mine are becoming increasingly sidelined.
I'm aware I need to address the issue, I just don't want our youngest to end up the product of another "broken home".

Wow, this made me feel so sad and angry. Your poor son. It sounds like you are beginning to wake up, but you need to wake up to this ten times more and put a stop to this immediately by any means necessary.

I'm aware I need to address the issue, I just don't want our youngest to end up the product of another "broken home".

I'd rather live with one parent than live with a Step Dad and Step Siblings who picked on me. I know this for a fact, as my own parent remarried and they had 3 older SDC than me. To this day, I hate them and have nothing to do with them and I didn't live with them as they were older and left home.

If your DC is in lower 6th, and is academic, then they will probably be going to Uni in Sept 25. You have until then to turn your relationship around with this child and make sure their home life is secure otherwise they will leave, and not come back in the holidays to stay with you as they will want to avoid their SD and S Siblings.

I have 2 teen boys. It is a constant uphill slog to get them to the point where they are confident and self assured. This is quite a tricky time for them.

The expectation is that I do everything for everyone and don't complain when there's a valid complaint to be made, just in case it looks like I'm giving my children preferential treatment.

So, basically your DC have got nothing from this blended set up, just the shit end of the stick, whilst his DC have had 4 adults (you, their mum, aunt and dad) running round after them like R2 bloody D2.

You need to tell your DH how it is. That you are not happy that your DC are getting the scraps when his have had all the same opportunities and more. That it is not your fault if your DC are achieving more than his, and you don't see why they should hide their talents under a bush. Tell him you are very seriously unhappy with how your DC has been treated, and that he has said he wants to leave, and if he does, you will hold him and his DC responsible for it. I would mean it to. Put the absolute shitters up your DH.

I'm sorry but you should have called time on this way before you were actively not looking forward to your son's graduation. Your poor kids.

But the youngest isn't a stepchild or step sibling. He's the dads child and the kids half sibling.

But OP, I do agree that this can't continue for your middle child. He's being bullied in his own home and if you don't put a stop to that, nobody will. And you'll come off worst as your son will blame you for allowing it.

I know having your youngest together makes that harder, but he shouldn't see his sibling treated like that by anyone, never mind his own family.

Do you want him to end up like your DH and his older kids? I'm sure you don't.

Imagine if your own 21 year old was treating your 16 year old in this way and behaving so awfully towards him, but still chatting to you and hugging you. How would you respond then? That's how you should be responding to your step children. You've been their step mother since they were all very young. You don't need to be in the "accommodating them to make them welcome" zone anymore. You should expect higher standards of behaviour from them.

But as for your husband, that he is treating your son in this way is disgusting behaviour. I could not tolerate bullying from parent to child at all, whether step parent or not. He needs to snap out of that now.

Can I just say that I LOVE your 'joint initiative' approach - that is just how it should be! It hurts my heart when I see step parents on here, othering their SDCs, admitting to avoiding them, complaining about being asked to include them FOR ONCE and asking why they should ever look after them when their DH isn't around, even just on one occasion and without it inconveniencing them in the slightest. It's so so sad

Thank you. I 100% went into this with the best of intentions, and so did my DH. I adored all our children, they were all "good" kids. I genuinely enjoyed the whole family dynamic, busy, fun, and the challenges that came with it.
I didn't do it for "thanks", but I have felt increasingly unappreciated and taken for granted. DH may feel similarly.
Neither of us had the best start in life, and we've both been independent from a young age. We both have our faults, but its not worth arguing over every minor detail.
Unfortunately, as the children are getting older, the minor issues are becoming more magnified. I'm aware, on my part, I'm lacking the patience I once had, with everyone.
We've had lengthy discussions how its easier, in some respects, to tolerate your own child's faults, than the others. We've worked through various issues, but there are issues I can only see getting worse, and I'm getting tired.
My older son had some difficulties adjusting to new home and school originallly so, I took the lead on his issues as I didn't want him to end up resenting DH.
I've never felt particularly comfortable reprimanding DH children, particularly as they already have a mum, so DH took the lead with laying ground rules on his part, but struggled to maintain consistency between the 2 households.
It was difficult, as mum was very much in the picture, albeit at a distance. While DH has open animosity towards their mum, I have made a point of remaining neutral, while having very different ideas of how to raise children.
Logically, I can see where I went wrong, I should have been confident enough to step in and reinforce rules instead of quietly simmering. However, I was avoiding the "it's always my kids that are in trouble". Lots of lessons to be learned but it feels too late to change the dynamics.
As the children are growing older, I have more time on my hands and have spent more time thinking. I am becoming one of those stepmums who actively avoid their stepchildren. I keep thinking, why should they get all the best of me and my kids get whatever is left. I'm not proud of it, but I'm pretty sick of my children drawing the short straw and being the focal point of so much jealousy.
My dilemma is where to go from here.

So it sounds like you've prioritised the feelings of your husband and his children above your own, and that now having an affect. If your kids have never felt supported by you, you don't have much time to try and change that. The other kids need to be pulled up when they ar bullying your son, and he needs to see that someone is actually on his side

God your poor son, he is being bullied in his own home.

I would set new ground rules and have consequences ready for if they're broken. I'd also be ready to put my son first if things don't improve...

It might be that it’s a numbers game, 2 against 3 has now become 1 against 2 so he is a bit isolated at home now that his brother is at Uni.
The rest problem is your husband who should be standing up for your son and putting his children in their place.
I couldn’t stay in a place where my child was being bullied, if uour husband won’t step up I would leave.

I really feel for you, it sounds like you put so much into this family, with great generosity and open-heartedness.

I read a lot on MN about how self-centred young adults can be, and it sounds like this is part of the problem here. Can you talk to your DSS and ask them what is going on? "Can you help me understand what is going on between you and DS16 - it feels like there is a funny atmosphere." Also explain how that makes you feel. And it sounds like a really serious chat with DH is needed - it sounds like you are able to be a good team on lots of issues, he needs to understand that you need to be a team on this too.

Can you also plan in some nice activities/time together with your own kids so that you (and they) really feel like they are getting the best of you?

My dilemma is where to go from here

At some point we women, whether we are step mums or mums, need to turn around and say, "I am not happy. Why is it that everyone else's feelings are taken into consideration. Everyone else gets what they want" and the one I have used recently, "Who is caring for ME? Who has MY back? Who is nurturing ME?"

You need to say your version of this. What is holding you back?

Someone on here posted a brilliant analogy a while ago. It was about boat rockers. It said something like; You don't want to rock the boat, but it is not actually you rocking it, it is someone else, and you are the one steadying it all the time.

You need to tell your DH that "I am not happy. I have put so much into this family, and looked after all the DC, not just my own, and the repayment I am getting is that my own DC is unhappy and wants to leave. I am upset, I am unhappy and it has to change, or I will have to reassess whether this is in MY and my DC's best interests to carry on this way".

It is up to your DH to deal with his DC, and fix this and his own behaviour.

Maybe because I'm aware that no one actually has my back, and thinking about it makes me quite sad for myself given all the sacrifices I have (willingly) made, and maybe now are beginning to regret.
It's certainly not in my sons best interests to keep avoiding the obvious.
I've probably been more concerned about the impact on our youngest if I bring the issue into the open, as he certainly doesn't have the opportunity to move on for another few years yet!
I was, mistakenly, hoping the problems would blow over without any great drama if I stayed neutral.
Unfortunately, it's just too big and obvious to ignore and I'm embarrassed that I've been such a coward.

I've probably been more concerned about the impact on our youngest if I bring the issue into the open

What is concerning here actually is that you feel that if you speak up, then that might mean the end of your marriage. Why wouldn't your DH listen to your concerns and want things to change so that there are no issues in your marriage? He and his DC are in the wrong here, not you.

Are his DC teenage girls? I ask because they can be quite awful when teens. Most boys don't notice what is going on around them at that age.

It sounds like you’ve been a pushover and a dogsbody to your stepchildren. Your poor sons.

You are the adult and you are in charge here. You don’t let children do whatever they like. I’m sorry but your role in all this seems a bit wet and weak to me.

You support and parent your children. You advocate for your children. They are the only ones who will “have your back” in your old age - not your current husband and definitely not your stepC, so stop letting your own sons suffer. Your sons may resent you for not protecting them.

Your own children must be your priority.

…but look how it has turned out for OP.

She has been a thankless dogsbody.
She is taken for granted.
No one is prioritising her son.
Her step kids are bullying her son.
Step kids don’t reciprocate the love and care you give.

Not a great approach it would seem!

Sibling rivalry is quite normal in all families, not just blended ones.

Could you sit all the older kids down together and tell them that you and DH have noticed some tension between them any bad feelings need to be hashed out?

I’m not sure if academic jealousy could be at root of all this. There might be something going on between them that you’re not aware of.

Definitely don’t underplay your son’s graduation. We weren’t allowed to talk about mine because my SM was jealous my DM and DD attended it together and we went for dinner after. It’s a shitty feeling. He deserves his day after all that hard work.

This!! Your poor kids. I don’t understand how you can just stand by and haven’t had stern words at home yet. I wouldn’t take any of this behaviour at all. My kids are my priority- no man or marriage is worth their unhappiness.