Changed name as some details may be outing but been around forever...penguin bollards etc.
I will preface this with this is my second relationship where partner has a child already. I am still very close to my existing step kids. We are still family as ex and I share a daughter and she is very close to her brother and sister from her dad. We had issues but nothing like current dp's situation and I am not sure my advice/support is helping.
So dp has a 16 year old with his ex wife. Separated for over 10 years, she had an affair and then shortly after did a moonlight flit and moved over 200 miles away from where her and dp had lived. Her and affair guy are still together, married and have another child.
Dp and his son have an ok relationship, he maintained eow contact until covid. His son has a serious condition that out him in the extremely vulnerable category and so his mum stopped all physical contact. Infinitely sensible and dp was supportive of this, maintained bi weekly facetime calls and chats as and when his son wanted. He pays more than CMS requires as well as contributing towards other costs etc.
As son has got older contact has naturally reduced as all 16 year old have better things to do than hang out with their dad. Dp has maintained dialy phone/text contact.
In June we went down to see his son for father's day, I offered to stay away and give them their own time (I don't always go anyway so not unusual) but his son was insistent I went. Whilst we were having dinner he was having a moan about his mum and college options etc. Making comments like mum not giving a toss, wasn't interested in him, only cared about his younger sibling etc. He became quite agitated and visibly distressed about it all.
Now I have been round the block enough to know there are always 2 sides so never really commented on any of it other than to say that she was his mum and whilst he may not agree with the things she was saying. He owed her the respect to listen and consider her opinions.
I know how hard parenting a child with a chronic condition is, I have one myself. irrespective of anything else she has raised him well and mostly he is a good lad. He can often be aggressive both verbally and physically, dp puts it down to hormones, but I think there is more to it and think his condition is poorly managed amd causing the issues.
Recently dp has had emails and calls from school because his son has exceptionally poor attendance and they are concerned he will fail his gases as he is not doing his school work.
Dp rang his ex to talk about it and was told that their son is 16, she is not getting involved, he has a plan for next steps and she is leaving him to it. He will come to her if he needs her. She has then backed this up in text messages which dp has shown me. He has argued with her that as his parents they need to be taking this more seriously and she has basically told him she isn't going to discuss it and that dp should only be dealing with his son.
She has refused to talk to school. Blames his condition and has claimed the truancy is actually illness and hospital appointments. Dp contacted the hospital who expressed their concerns that the condition is badly managed and causing wider health issues including aggression. They were very clear he has not been as ill as mum is claiming and that everything dp has been told for the last few years is BS. They are telling him the condition is fine, all under control etc. It absolutely isn't the case.
Dp has asked my advice. I have suggested that his son is 16 and whilst almost an adult he is not yet one and dp needs to be the parent not the friend and needs to not just let it slide for sn easy life.
His ex has shown their son the messages from his dad saying he is concerned and that they need to try and work together to get their son back on track. she has told dp that their son is pissed off about his dad "interfering". Neither of them are now speaking to dp.
This is a regular thing. The second dp doesn't give either of them their own way the ghosting starts, until his son wants to go out and has no money then he will be in touch before expecting money from his dad.
Where do we go? I want to tell dp that he needs to stop letting his son bribe him as it isn't healthy but dp is devastated his son is ghosting him.
I feel like dp is damned whatever he does.
Does he keep pushing that his son needs to pay attention to school and hospital concerns or does he shut up and let them carry on.
The condition isn't directly life threatening but left tunmanaged it very much could do irreparable damage or at worst death.